Monarchy Versus Husbandry

When deciding on a husband, I am finding that one of the MOST important things to do is to discover what his real thoughts are about the husband and wife relationship. How does he think the ideal couple relates to each other? How would he most like to relate to his wife and children?

Of course, a woman may not be the one to get this information out of a young interested man. He will only be trying to find the words to impress her. For him, words are the tool used to acquire the desired prize (the woman). He's not about to reveal any truth that he imagines would impede his progress. So, this knowledge will come from some keen observation and investigation -- not so much from long, intimate conversation.

Why is this so important?

Because there is a fallacy that is being promoted that the ideal husband functions as a king or monarch in his home. Anyone taking the time to read the Bible will learn the history of how monarchies were first formed. It was a heathen practice by groups that worshiped idols. When the newly formed nation of Israel first asked God to give them a king, God called them an adulterous people. He had invested the time and effort to teach them how to function as a united people. He had led them, provided for their needs and protected them. Now, they wanted to be like everyone else. They'd rather have a king than be faced with the intensity of a close relationship to Him, a theocracy.

Rightly so, God was offended. [Thomas Paine's booklet COMMON SENSE does a nice Bible study on the topic.]

God calls the man who has a wife a husband. Again, a brief reading of Scripture will reveal that the word husband is not used interchangeably with the word king. While Christ is called the King of kings. Husbands are not. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave His very life for it. In relationship to the Church, Christ is called a husband and the Church is his bride.

A husbandman is one that works hard to make things grow. He is not a slave to his own ego. He is not addicted to entertainments and distractions. He is one that relishes the opportunity to prove himself a good steward of that which has been entrusted. He rejoices to see new growth and encourages it. He works towards harvest time and brings in the return from the fields. He stores the increase and the overflow blesses those who are near him. He NEEDS a help meet to join him in the task and he relishes the good that comes when two hearts come together as one to make something MORE.

In a nutshell, that's what a husbandman is. He embarks on a journey that cultivates the wife and children entrusted to him into something more than any of them could have become alone. He does not selfishly take from others, he plants good seed for harvest time. He does not carelessly spend, he invests. He does not remain idle, because he sees that the seasons are passing. He considers the future and prepares himself and his household. He is a husband man.

A monarch, on the other hand, is insulated from the effects of his decisions. He passes down edicts that restrict his subjects, not himself. He receives information from fawning advisers that often have their own agendas and attempt to move and sway the king to their own advantage. He separates people from their possessions and fills his coffers with that which he has conquered and taken. He leads people into battle and orders the lives of individuals he does not know. His power and position is achieved by vanquishing his enemies and political intrigue. He is a prisoner of his own office and must secure his position by eliminating those who appear smarter or stronger than he. His people are required by law to honor him, but he cannot force them to love him. He is a figurehead, not an intimate. He is alone.

Children's cartoons sing the praises of growing up to be king. Very few people take the time to remind their sons what it means to be a husband. Grown men are going around defending their their 'honor,' trying to establish miniature monarchies. Too few are embracing husbandry. Families are suffering as a result. What every family needs is a husband. Too few husbands are accepting that role, choosing instead to punish members of the household that do not support the monarchy.

Do you answer a question honestly when asked? A husbandman is glad for the information because it gives him insight and feedback necessary to plan how to adjust and move forward. A monarch will be offended that you deign to say anything other than that which flatters his false image of himself. If you tell a monarch the truth, you risk punishment. If you tell a husbandman the truth, he will use the information to bring about a better end.

This carries over into other areas. Having a problem with the kids? A husbandman will want to know so that your efforts will be joined and the harvest not lost. A monarch will demand that you go away and not bother him with such trivia.

Are you lonely? A husbandman will take you with him into the fields where you will work together and talk and commune. A monarch will be offended that you expect him to be concerned with your needs when you should be serving him.

It goes on. In some circles it's gotten so perverse that believers tell women and children that they are under the authority of any man that decides to boss them around. No longer are we the bride of Christ, but we are now part of some religious hierarchy filled with little tyrants and fiefdoms. Little kings rule over their households and answer to bigger religious kings that tell them how to do everything from spend their money to how to run the show in the bedroom.

The high calling of husbandman has been set aside for the pomp and circumstance of kings with no clothes. In their clamoring to be first, they have made themselves last and taken their families with them.

Look at what a man is most proud of in his life. Has he been able to touch lives in a way that make them more than they were before they met him? Has the increase been in genuine accomplishments and investments of time an talent that showed a return, or has he accumulated power and awards at others' expense? Is he a husbandman to those around him or is he a monarch? Choose carefully when you select a husband.

Consider the different roles and response of a husbandman versus a monarch. Visit an estate, farm or plantation. If the place full of failing plants and sickly animals and you are charged with investigating why the conditions are so bad, you would find the person in charge and ask him what had happened. If you have stumbled upon a monarch, he will first be offended that you have noticed a flaw and then that you assumed it was his responsibility. He will bluster and say whatever is required to make you leave his presence. Often, you will find him running over a tattered list of excuses that includes blaming the plants and animals for being of inferior stock. He will never be convinced that the results have anything to do with his efforts.

If you have found the husbandman, you will likely see him in the middle of an urgent effort to discover the cause himself and/or solve the problem. He will have already contacted any advisers and be in the process of implementing any remedies available to him. Your concern will cause him to want to enlist your help before all that is precious to him is lost. THAT is a husbandman. He is INVESTED in his family and will not rest in his efforts to provide and protect.

Find yourself one of those, ladies. If you can, watch the entire documentary named A MAN NAMED PEARL. This man took the discarded plants from a neighborhood nursery and turned his property into a botanical showplace. A monarch could never have done what this willing caring man accomplished.

Submission in Rebels Clothing

Something weird happened to Christian women when I wasn't looking. . .
I don't know what led to it, but it's . . . well . . . weird.

When I was a girl, submission in marriage looked like what I saw Mrs. C doing. Mrs. C was married to an illiterate farmer that drove a produce truck. They both loved Jesus and she had spent her young adulthood working in a sewing factory. From the time my dad was a boy sweeping up at the factory until I was a young girl myself, you never heard Mrs. C. speak a word of idle gossip. She and her husband showed up at church like it was the greatest privileged and raised their girls to love all things related to God and His service.

Her husband didn't have lots of nice clothes, but Mrs. C knew how to make any garment look incredible. She would wash his bib overalls until they were spotless and then iron and starch them until they could stand on their own. She knew how to get his work shirts spotless white before there were special products and fancy washers to do the work for her. Mrs. C's husband might not have shown up to church in a suit and tie, but no man could compare to the love and attention that went into those overalls and shirts.

She made the most of what she had. She loved her husband and children faithfully. She focused on his strengths, took pride in his accomplishments and didn't let on that she noticed the rest. That's what submission USED to look like. The richest man in our circle never had such a wife as Mrs. C.

But that was then.

Today, there are women that are working hard to lead their homes from the position of submission. The goal seems to be to create an atmosphere where the husband will become 'all that he should be.' It's almost like, 'See honey? I did this and this and this so that you could become the man of my dreams.' It's a manipulation rather than something done from the position of faith and devotion to God and marriage. It's a systematic wearing down of a man's freedom to lead as a man -- for the good or bad.

When did we decide that the best way for a man to be a man was for him to acquiesce to a female's whims? When did we decide that the highest calling for a man was to follow the ups and downs of a woman's emotions? HOW is that manly?

Someone got things all upside down and inside out when I wasn't looking.

Here's the truth that women like Mrs. C and generations before me knew:

Honoring and submitting to a man isn't for wimps. It takes guts and resources that you are sure you don't have from time to time. Giving a man the final say in matters of marriage means that from time to time you will disagree, but you will follow. It also means that you have a mind of your own. If you didn't it wouldn't be submitting to follow. YOU will have to process how it plays out in your marriage. You'll have to sift through the stuff of life and determine what is honoring and what is just setting him up for failure so that he will 'see things your way' next time. You'll have to take your heart again and again before the God of this universe and ask Him to show you where you've fallen short. It's a process that is only possible when you are driven by your love and devotion to the God who calls you to it.

Throughout the body I'm hearing from pulpits how ministers expect wives to prod their husbands into church services. Wives are called to give of their time, money, and other resources without the agreement of their husbands. Rather than honoring the order created by God, there are all sorts of work-arounds that are camouflaged as submission.

For the record, IT ISN'T SUBMISSION WHEN:
* You engage in bad behavior -- or avoid doing what you should -- and THEN claim your husband told you to do it.
* You attempt to sidestep the consequences of your own actions by claiming your husband instructed you in the matter -- when he only agreed to avoid the inevitable argument.
* You tell your husband just enough information so that he will decide to do what you wanted him to do.
* You withhold or offer your favor to your husband to try and direct his actions.
* In matters where your husband directs, you do the opposite and claim God told you to do so.
* You order your household after teachings that you found, approved and convinced your husband to rubber stamp instead of building on your husband's preferences.

Submission isn't a game. It's a calling. It's not a way to wheedle the things you need or want out of your man. It's how we honor God and the man He made husbands to be.

*shaking head* I don't know.

Maybe the fear of the Lord just isn't common any more. Maybe a lot of people are getting their teachings from some place other than Scriptures. I suspect that there are a lot of power hungry individuals that are grasping at the authority God bestowed on husbands, thinking they can re-route it their own way. I've seen men in leadership trying to tell other men's wives how/where/what to do in their own homes. I've seen women judging other women on their clothing, food or health choices. Rather than Scriptures being our final authority, we've gone to living by a list of principles and standards that have taken on a life of their own.

Like I said, something weird happened to women when I wasn't looking.
I hope you are the exception to this trend.

False Accusers Showing True Colors

You'd love my friend Chrissy. She was raised as a well loved child by some incredible people. As a result, she always assumes you have the best intentions. When someone's feelings get hurt and they start to pout it goes right over her head. That's because Chrissy just can't imagine a world where people would intentionally try to hurt her feelings or would think that of her. She just knows you like her.

I need to spend more time with Chrissy and her family!

Me? I come from the kind of family where if someone asks you for a favor, you are then accused of being rude because you granted the favor. I shouldn't be, but I'm just amazed by the lengths some people will go to to accuse someone else of being mean or hurtful.

Like I said, I need to spend more time with Chrissy's family. Encounters like the one I described just leave me feeling dirty.

To defend my actions only makes it look like my actions need to be defended. The implication that I had exposed personal details publicly is still there. The fact that others made the matter public is not given any weight.

Whew! Insecure females are tiresome!

I like what a wise man once said, "They tell you who they're working for by what they do."

False accusers aren't working for the winning team. . . . That would explain why they aren't corrected by the Father. He only corrects His own.

Immodest Minds

I grew up in a home that required the females to wear skirts and dresses. Because there was no money for new clothes, this meant that we were limited to hand me downs. Sewing wasn't a past time that was taught and no materials were provided for alterations.

I attended a public schools. My experiences involved answering questions posed by curious teachers and classmates that viewed my clothes as an odd choice for the casual school day. Physical education teachers received written accusatory explanations from my father on why I wouldn't be allowed to wear shorts or other appropriate clothing for gym. Instead, I wore thick sweat pants on even the hottest days.

You would think that this glaring difference in dress would have been a neon sign flashing that I was not available for lurid advances. It didn't. Placing me within a community of people that had different standards only meant that I was daily ridiculed for clothing choices I didn't make and for my parents' condemning attitude. This isolated me so that the only ones which approached me with kindness were those who pitied me or who were trying to manipulate me.

Men and boys that had been aroused by images and glimpses of girls' privates on display through revealing clothing were on the prowl for someone to fulfill their compulsive fantasies. They were looking for someone that no one liked, that likely wouldn't tell, that no one would believe if she told. They wanted something they thought was 'unused.' Like a predator picking out the straggler, the young, the weakest, the unprotected -- they found me.

Whether it was the perverted neighbor who wanted to see if he could look in my window, the old man that wanted to give me my first French kiss, or the boy that wanted to see how far he could go, I found myself fending off these advances at home, family gatherings, church and school.

I still believe in modesty. However, here's where I think many people fail in their efforts:

1) MODESTY ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE OUTSIDE -- Modesty isn't just about how you dress, but how you present yourself. You can be fashionable AND attractive AND modest. For a female, feeling good about what you wear gives you a confidence that predators avoid. They would never try the stuff they do with a confident girl. Her clothing shows that she is cared for and cares for herself. Someone is watching out for her.

2) MODESTY DOESN'T HAVE A UNIFORM -- If you adopt a standard that is completely foreign to your culture, rather than a modest form of dress that is accepted in your culture, then you attract attention for all the wrong reasons. You make yourself stand out as odd because of your strange dress rather than because of your devotion to your faith. This is decidedly immodest.

3) RUN IN CIRCLES THAT RESPECT YOUR STANDARDS -- Even if it's a small circle, it is important to have a support group for your children that includes kids their same gender and age which are sharing the same challenges. If attending a school, find one with a dress code that mirrors your own. Tossing a child into a hostile arena to defend herself on a daily basis without support is just wrong. Few adults would subject themselves to the same abuse AND if they did, they would be sure to have strong support at home. The bottom line is that if it is important enough for you to set as a standard, it's important enough for you to go to the trouble of protecting your family. Put your money where your faith is and take the time to provide a support system for the ones you are supposed to protect.

4) DON'T THINK THAT DRESSES PROTECT FEMALES FROM PERVERTS -- Too many "men" blame the female form for their own slimy thought life. Such a male sees every glimpse of a woman's body as an invitation to 'go there' in his own mind. This twisted thinking produces a man that is convinced he's not capable of controlling himself (he would if a police officer showed up). He excuses his behavior by telling himself that the females were 'asking for it.' In this society, men need to be taught how to avoid and deal with temptation like MEN -- Honorable MEN. Prepare your daughter to deal with the reality that a lot of supposedly god-fearing men are mentally masturbating throughout the day with any image presented to them. All it takes is a moment alone with a female that has a poor self image. A man with such garbage filling his mind will see a dress as an open invitation to get his hands and anything else roaming. He will tell your modestly dressed daughter it is her fault for being too alluring.

5) KNOW WHY YOU DRESS MODESTLY -- You are trying to help good men avoid temptation and keep some things only for your husband's eyes. You aren't there to demonstrate to others the error of their way or elevate yourself in their presence. If your head is in the right place, you shouldn't be checking to see if others noticed how 'godly' you appeared or compare yourself to others. If you've gained the spotlight by your appearance, you've drawn it away from the One you claim to serve. If you are using modest dress to get attention, then you are using modest garments for immodest purposes.

6) DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A PLEASANT EXPRESSION -- One of the arguments for modest dress is that the eye be drawn to the face rather than the figure. Wearing a smile rather than a scowl is one way to accomplish this. The nicest fashions can easily be seen as dowdy and unattractive if the wearer appears perpetually unhappy. Let your joy show!

7) WEAR CLOTHING APPROPRIATE FOR THE ACTIVITY -- You can be feminine and modest while participating in athletics, outdoor activities, formal occasions and many others. However, you would NOT wear the same outfit to each of those. Have clothing that is suitable for the purpose. You wouldn't wear the same clothing to do the gardening as you would to attend a wedding or graduation. Inappropriate dress is also immodest because it only serves to draw attention to the wearer.

8) TEACH YOUR BOYS TO BEHAVE AS GENTLEMEN -- This includes their thought life. If you exist in this world at this time, your sons will be bombarded with inappropriate images. Everywhere they go they will meet women who have no idea how men struggle to avoid looking at the body parts being accentuating with poor clothing choices. You have the opportunity to teach them how to win the battle to treat every human being with dignity and respect rather than as an opportunity to use them (or the sight of them) as a tool for their own pleasure. I think too many people focus on how women should or shouldn't present themselves while neglecting to teach their boys how to deal with real temptation. In my day, good manners meant treating others with dignity -- no matter their station, race or clothing choices. A man that treats woman like a lady -- even if she doesn't present herself like one -- is a wonderful example of devotion to one's faith.

I nearly cheered when I saw this video from India

These are just a few things I wish I had been taught as a child and known as a young adult. Instead, I spent a long time wearing the wrong things for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in an effort to meet some imposed standard of modesty. I would have done better to focus on serving my Savior with my choices and enjoying the freedom that comes with that focus.

Losing to Win

No matter how competitive they are, there's no way to win at a husband's expense without causing yourself to lose.

I know. I know. Many husbands are so competitive that they are forever posturing and looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their 'superiority' over their wives. It's a very wise woman that can know this is a lie and yet allow her husband to posture for this imaginary position. I'm talking practicality here -- a calculated acquiescence. In legal terms, acquiescence means to knowingly stand by without raising any objection to the infringement of your rights.

The trick is to do this without bitterness. Understand that a man that has had to compete and find his place in this world doesn't always know how to turn that off when he gets home. There are assorted ways to discourage this behavior, but taking offense and pointing out his flawed approach/reasoning will only drive a wedge between you. This results in him not only feeling like less of a man (because a woman bested him), but now he is defensive over his approach (which has worked in sports, the workplace, school, and everywhere else).

Think for a minute about the women that men find naturally attractive. At critical points and moments, they express a weakness or need that the male can meet. A woman that knows a man well will eventually learn his weaknesses. There will be times when a wife will find herself and her husband at a point of need that is also his weakness. You can either emphasize that weakness by challenging him and besting him, or you can mitigate the potential damage by diffusing the situation.

If you insist on demonstrating your superiority, you will emasculate him, make him feel foolish and do damage to the marital relationship. Here is the point where you ask yourself which is more important: your marriage or making sure your husband knows how great you are.

If you've got a good man and you're a smart cookie, you'll choose the marriage.

There are also times when being determined to prove you are right will cost you even more. I recently read of a woman that is married to a man that thinks his job is to smooth her feathers at every turn rather than address the issue. This means that when one of their children is ill, if she goes to him for advice or guidance, he will only try to reassure her that the child is not really sick. In one instance he even chided her for taking a child to the emergency room late at night. The child was experiencing a dangerous loss of blood.

Knowing this about her husband means that this wife -- while she loves and respects her husband -- does not involve him when it comes to taking care of the children's medical emergencies. She's on her own in this regard. She accepts this and proceeds as is required.

Would it be nice to have a husband that addresses the issues at hand rather than always protecting his emotional tender spots? Yes, but realize that this is the way they are made. They have a visceral need to feel 'manly' and 'superior.' If you take that away from them, you lose EVERY TIME.

Admittedly, some men do such a good job of demonstrating their lack of admirable traits that a wife's mere presence is enough to threaten them. A kind and good wife will stand in stark contrast to a bombastic, impatient brute. Seeing her be patient when he knows he deserves to be screamed at is enough to drive some men over the edge, but that isn't the wife's fault. A man at war with his own conscience will simply take it out on whoever is available. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about the wife that tries to get her husband to see the 'error' of his ways by showing him how wrong he is. You might prove him wrong, but you'll also give up sex, romance, companionship, friendship and a lot of other perks that come with a good marriage. By pointing out the obvious, you'll become the enemy and no longer his ally.

Are there some men that crave their wives honest opinions? Do some husbands want open conversation and a real challenge to talents and abilities? Yes, but even these need to know they can hold their own. When you have the option of allowing him to win convincingly, do so. You will benefit.

What does this mean in practical terms? In practical terms, you'll need to regularly evaluate his limitations. Does he lack self control in an area? Don't tempt him where you know he will fall. This means you don't even ask about whether or not to put filters on your internet connection when you KNOW he might be tempted by certain sites. You don't ask him about splurging on something when you know he can't handle money. Hire someone to do the things you know he consistently can't or won't do. THEN compliment him on how well he has provided. Just because you had to find a round about way to get it done doesn't mean he can't get the praise he craves. It will also be easier for you to be generous in your praise when you've had things taken care of rather than setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather than stewing over how/whether/if/when he could/should change, you can focus on his attributes.

And that's what makes every marriage work, really. We can sit around and pick each other apart with criticisms, or we can be grateful for the merits of our spouse. Life's too short to spend it hoping the person you love will come to his senses and see things your way. If he did, he'd be a woman. Let it go. You aren't his mother. Enjoy being his wife.

Moving Forward in When Others Want to Pull You Down

Lots of families have malicious gossipers. If one of these persons disagrees with you, you won't be asked to clarify or support your opinion. Instead the incident will be recounted in an altered version of the conversation where you are made to appear intolerant, accusatory, arrogant or display some other ugly trait.

I recall adults in my childhood who would attack me verbally and otherwise, imagining that they were supporting my parents who were saddled with such an awful child. The truth was that they had believed efforts to malign my character. People ask me why I never told an adult what was happening in my home when I was growing up, and I laugh at the implication that any adult would have believed me. My parents had convinced them that I was not to be trusted.

Today, most people that know my parents understand that they are the way they are and take their comments with a grain of salt. A younger family member is also this way and is better at masking her hostility and deception, and this can cause some difficulty.

If you meet her, it won't take long before this woman displays this trait. At the first sign of sympathy, she will begin to detail the many faults and crimes of her husband. Being human, he has his fair share. She tells all from the perspective of a person who is completely innocent of any contribution to her difficulties. Her mother (by her account) was horrible to her and has never properly apologized for the trauma caused by expecting her daughter to do household chores. She elevates her position as a wife, mother, sister, etc. by giving examples of the many failures around her. Her critical eye doesn't miss much and with time, she can easily give the worst motives to the most genuine comment or action.

I wasn't surprised when I heard she had wagged her tongue about me. She had sought me out for my opinion on a matter I've researched. I provided her with the information I had, reassured her that I thought she was doing her best under the circumstance and suggested that she try one of several options.

I left it at that.

However, that conversation has been retold in this way: She did not ask my opinion. I simply walked up to her and pronounced my judgment, impugning abilities and motives in an accusatory way.

Now, I know that this woman has problems. I know that she has falsely represented her parents, her husband, my parents and anyone else that ever suggested that there might be another approach to her decision making process. I've listened to her embellish the mistakes of others until they appeared criminal. I also know that when she asks me for advice, it is more often a craftily laid trap to give her ammunition. I know these things, and I still care about her and her children. And it still hurts to know that she takes the time to gossip and paint me as a monster.

I do feel a little better to know that no one that knows me believes her. I'm glad they would let me know.

How do you move forward when this happens in your family?

Well, I haven't the time or the energy to bother correcting a misbehaving adult. I've offered her my time and attention whenever she requested it and given many opportunities for her to leave her bad habits behind until I have finally decided to decline opportunities to visit. Thankfully, she lives too far away to visit often. I regret not having a closer relationship with her family, but I can't expend time and emotion trying to work around the drama related to all of that at the expense of my own family. Mostly, I'm just thankful for the miles that separate us. If she were physically closer, it would be more difficult.

I love her. I love her family. I love their children. Moving forward in this instance means not making myself or my family an easy target. Family doesn't always mean friendly. Those that should love and support you often don't. So, I'll be even more guarded. I'll not offer any advice, even when asked. I'll be cool, demure, nod and smile with one eye on the nearest exit when I'm in her presence.

Life's just too short to spend it building bridges others are trying to rip apart.

So whether you are struggling to leave behind the ones that refuse to join you on the journey, or wondering if it's worth it to lay aside the hurts and grievances, I invite you to join me. Set aside the things that humans fight and posture over. We have something better to move towards. Let's move forward!

The Me He Cannot See

There are times in our lives when we realize that the ones we love most are unable to see us or acknowledge our needs. To become bitter over such a reality is the response that only hurts us. Someone once described bitterness as the act of drinking poison and waiting on the other person to get sick. We are the only ones that suffer.

One of the kindest persons in my life is also someone that cannot see past her bewildered angst and hurt enough to stop doing harmful things. She has survived so much, but cannot celebrate the life that remains. She has the ability to insert criticisms into the most casual conversations and bring a chill to warm exchanges. While serving others and tending their needs, she seems oblivious to their feelings. She is my mother.

My husband is another one of those persons. We had a much needed conversation recently where I asked him to please acknowledge me when I spoke so that I would know he had heard me. His habit had been to respond to my questions, statements or comments with silence. I could never tell if he heard, agreed, disagreed, or had thoughts on the topic. This is more often about inconsequential items, but lately it had been in regard to things like home security and safety.

I outlined my reasons for needing him to let me know he had heard me if I spoke to him, and he sat in silence, feeding my feelings of worthlessness. I asked him for a response and he said, "I'm listening." Then he further explained, "I'm trying to keep things level. I believe actions speak louder than words."

To that, I replied that I agreed. His actions told me that I was not worthy of acknowledgement. His actions told me that he was perpetually angry with me. His actions told me that he would not disclose his thoughts to me because I am not part of him. His actions were cruel.

It was like a light bulb moment of sorts. His refusal to engage had not been seen (by him) as an action. In an attempt to avoid all potential conflict, he did not know he had isolated me. He could not see my need. In a world where only his comfort or feelings exist, I had become invisible. His behavior worked for him at a high cost to me.

As is often the case, it was one of those concrete moments that shed light on the problem with his approach. There's nothing like a large project involving power tools and 90 degree weather to demonstrate the folly in not answering someone when they ask you if you've got a good hold on something.

This post then is an encouragement to isolated wives that the cruelty of enforced isolation is sometimes nothing more than an adult trying to protect themselves from anticipated and imagined attacks. If he had an overbearing mother, you may be dealing with it for years, so it's better to see it for what it is and not let bitterness take root. For men, I'll kindly suggest that the universe has not rallied all of its forces to come against you. The person that shares your life, your bed and your children isn't the enemy and you aren't her victim.

For young women, mark how a young man responds to his mother. Even if she IS a bitter angry shrew and deserves his disdain, she won't live forever and the habits learned in his childhood for coping with her will be applied to his wife, whether she deserves it or not. If you see him discounting or mocking her, do not choose this man. Men learn about women first from their mother. No matter that you are not her. No matter that you are her polar opposite. He will emotionally respond to you as the kind of female his mother is (or was). If she belittled, criticized, cajoled, and condemned him, he will be very tempted to work out all of that pent up frustration with you BECAUSE you aren't her, you are safe, and he can. It's easier to take out life's frustrations on someone that has vowed to never leave.

So, when choosing a husband, look carefully at his family of origin. See how the mother in the home is perceived by those living with her. If she is seen as critical or shrewish, keep looking. Those perceptions will determine how the son's future wife is perceived by her husband.

Mining For Gold

As we worked a boy told me how there were things he would never do the way his parents did. I listened to his noble goals and remembered feeling the same way for much of my youth.

We continued working while he talked, and I considered my response.

I held up two of the tools we were using. I told him, 'We learn so many things from our parents. It's easy to see the flaws and mistakes. For instance, you might say that your parents used one of these tools and things didn't go so well for them, so you have determined to never use that tool. Instead you will use this one. However, what seldom occurs to any of us is that neither tool is a good choice. When we choose our actions by avoiding someone's failure, we forget that there are uncountable ways to do something wrong. Often we just end up choosing another version of wrong.'

His eyes grew wide with alarm. How could any of us do better if we are only choosing between uncountable versions of the wrong way to do things?

I let that sink in for a while and then continued.

'I believe that God gives us parents not so that we can critique their mistakes. That would take us a lifetime. Instead, life is like attending a school where the subjects aren't named. Our first instructors are our parents and our opportunity is to learn from them the things they did correctly. We sift out the bits of grit and sand in search of the gold which is the things they got right. Then we build upon that and do better than they did.'

I thought about my own bitter parents. My childhood memories are punctuated with images of a mother given to emotional rages and a withdrawn, critical father. They were so often locked in their own power struggles that we children were left unprotected and insecure. Then I returned to our conversation.

'My parents did some things very well. My mother was a very compassionate woman. She would take us children with her as she drove people to church who were blind and had no family to care for them. She would take meals to others, wash their feet and cut their hair. My father had such a head for figures, he never needed a calculator. He loved the precision of mathematics, music and art. He delighted in the orderliness of creation and how a well tended seed would germinate, grow and yield an increase. Mother loved to sing. Father loved to learn. They did these things well.'

The boy considered my words. 'Do you mean that I could do things BETTER than my dad? HOW?' He seemed afraid to hope.

'Because,' I told him, 'God made you the son of a man that did some things with excellence. You have the opportunity to see those things lived out in real life. You can learn how do do them by learning from his example. Then, you will be able easily do as well as he did. With effort, you will become even more skilled at things it took him a lifetime to master. But these things only come to those that are willing to embrace the good, not just on reject the bad.'

'If you want to take a course in mechanics, you don't go to the gymnasium to find an instructor. Some of us have parents that have no idea how to train children, how to love a spouse, how to be patient, how to express love . . . That doesn't mean they weren't good at SOMEthing. You just have to find out what that something was and learn from it. There are always more things a parent is NOT good at than things a parent IS good at doing.

'Running around declaring how we will never do whatever the way our parents did is a trap. We end up avoiding a particular mistake while creating a new version of the same error. Mine for the gold and let God fill in the gaps. Trust the design of the Creator. He knows what He's doing -- even if He uses some of the most curious people to get it done.'

The boy smiled. 'I think you've got a lot of gold,' he said.

I smiled back and thought, I could have had more if I had known these things at his age.

Help Meet to a Husbandman

There is a lot of information in various circles of believers regarding how God organized the family structure. Much has been written using the words authority, headship, patriarchal, etc. My own life experience has proven that there are far more sick variations that twisted minds have devised than there are genuine, loving homes and marriages that seek to honor the Creator.

When God created man He placed him in the garden and told him to tend it. In this environment, Adam learned what it meant to be keeper of his domain. It was in this context that woman was created, given to him as a wife. Man was called her head.

Later, God describes the relationship as that of Christ to the church -- her Savior and Redeemer.

I heard a very wise man once say that anyone can tear down and destroy, but it takes a real man to build. If you examine the word husband, it is a derivative of the word husbandman. Just as a husbandman tends the plants, land and animals in his domain, creating an environment where they can flourish and bear fruit -- a husband tends to those in his domain, that they may flourish and become . . . more. More of what they could or should be given the things they need to GROW.

Do husbands have power? Do they have authority? Are they in charge?

Of course. They have the same power, authority and influence as the work worn farmer returning from the fields. His domain bears witness to his influence, the wisdom of his decisions and the power of his labor. In the examples of Scripture -- those heads which God favors -- they are those which are husbandmen. The story of the good steward tells of how God measures stewardship -- by the return. Go to the calloused-handed farmer and tell him about the glories of his headship over his land and he will laugh wryly at your pictures of absolute dictatorship. He knows what it takes to be a successful husbandman. And that is what it takes to be a husband that God honors.

Why is this important? Because the efforts that wives make to honor a man within his own home are offerings of grace, nothing less. He is her savior, her husbandman. She is his help meet, a daughter of the Most High. Those that fear God would do well to remember that our conduct reflects our true belief.

I've seen beautiful, vivacious, talented and gifted women ground beneath the heel of arrogant, selfish, demeaning attempts at manhood. A few decades of that treatment and they begin to wane in many ways -- especially the physical. If this kind of man were a dairyman, he would leave his stock to feed and milk themselves and then berate them for looking poorly. Anyone with sense would see the foolish dairyman for what he is, but we chide and berate wives that have endured the same treatment for the sake of Christ.

Instead, I suggest that we look to the example of a true help meet -- Abigail. Her husbandman was a churlish man. He did not look well to the ways of his domain. Those charged to his care had their very lives endangered by his careless habits. Abigail did not gloss over the truth of his actions. She accepted them for what they were and stood in the gap when lives were at stake. She saw that all they had been given was a charge from the Almighty, and she dared not squander that which had been placed within her hands to protect and tend. So, when Nabal would have let others die for the sake of his belligerence, his help meet, Abigail, took action that turned the tide. She did not add to the sin of his actions.

A true help meet, helps a man tend that which has been entrusted to him. She doesn't increase his error. She mitigates it so that eternal purposes are honored. She is not his judge. She is his helper. She tends and cares for his domain that there might be an increase in things physical, mental, emotional and physical.

Sometimes, the task of a help meet is to quietly believe the truth even when her husband has believed a lie. Some husbands will want wives that act as their conscience, their mother, their taskmasters, their managers, etc. There are far more men that would much prefer to leave off the responsibilities of husbandship. They chase after selfish means and motives to the hurt of those left in their charge. They shift about for someone to carry their load and take the blame.

We wives aren't to be at odds with them. Leave God to be the righteous judge. Rather we are to walk in the light of truth, not in religious customs, and trust that God will make provision as we honor Him and His design for the family. There may well be men that will never step into the role God has ordained, but our challenge as wives is to live in such a way that our husband COULD step into that role if he WOULD. Let's not be a stumbling block by adding to their excuses for rebellion.

And, for the record ladies, we ARE emotional creatures. If we did not need men to work to create an environment where we could flourish, God would not have ordained it so. Rather than beat each other up for feeling frustrated, upset, bewildered and even angry with the challenges we face following an imperfect husband, it's high time we encouraged each other along the way. It's time we took our emotions to God and acknowledged them rather than trying to pretend they don't exist by sedating ourselves with inappropriate relationships, food, careless spending, bitterness, etc.

Will we find that God's resources can meet our need? Will we trust that the supply will be there when it is most required? Or will we follow the temptation to surrender to the despair? Will we declare victory during the raging storm? Or will we sink into silent hopelessness? We may not choose the circumstance, but I do believe God is waiting to give us hope in those circumstances.

Go to God and tell Him the truth about what you are feeling and LISTEN to His response. Admit your part in it and work on yourself. Another cigarette, another drink, another piece of chocolate -- none of these help to do anything but to distract you from the real issue. You feel used, neglected, unloved. Tell Him and remember His words. You may not have a husbandman, but that isn't because God wouldn't love to give you one. . . . and He has made provision for those that are left as widows -- even widows within their own marriage.

I know even as I write these words that there are some 'suffering saints' that have made a career of religious martyrdom, criticizing their men and holding them up to ridicule. If you are one of those, you won't likely recognize this about yourself. All the more reason to pray with humility. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. Those things that we so casually condemn in others, He will not bear lightly in our own lives. If we could see it in others as an error, the obvious question is why we did not deal with it in our own.

So, if you are hurt or hurting, be sure that you are not increasing the damage done by the one to whom you've pledged yourself. Sometimes we have to honor the dishonorable so that he can see some things for himself. A husbandman learns what works best with his domain by seeing the results of his effort. Let him learn and allow the chafing of the process to do a good work in you also.

Do not believe the lie that you are less. Even if your man has believed this lie, you needn't trust it. Expect more from yourself and from him. Live each day as though THIS will be the day your efforts bear fruit in your home. . . one day you will be right.

Remember that monarchies were first devised by unbelieving and rebellious men. Pray for your husband if he determines to be the lord of his castle rather than God's husbandman. Pray that God will become his Lord and that his heart will be returned to that which pleases God and bears fruit in the home. Show him the daily ministry of undeserving grace.

With God's strength and aid, may our husbands all be true husbandmen. May they look back over the result of their labors, praising God for the increase.

Death Before Birth

As I write this, my heart is breaking. There aren't words to describe what I'm feeling. My first grandchild will never draw breath on this earth. Before this little one was born, there is death.

The circumstances that surrounded this news were bad -- even if the child had survived.

I feel so impotent. So much of this life has been an exercise in trying to be heard. To count. To matter.

As a child and young adult, I had two reoccurring nightmares. In one, I was a little girl at the wheel of a vehicle hurtling out of control. My feet couldn't reach the pedals to hit the brake. All I could do was steer, desperately trying to save my life and the life of those in the car. I would awake before the crash.

The other dream was always about some looming disaster. I had knowledge of it and was certain of its accuracy. However, in the dream as I try to get people to leave the burning building, move to higher ground, escape the bad guys, etc. no one will believe me. If secrecy is needed, the ones I am trying to get to safety stand and laugh and ask me loudly what it is I wanted them to know.

The second variety of dreams lasted longer into my adulthood.

I no longer have those dreams because I know that it is up to the others whether or not they listen . . . And I'm not in charge of the driving. However, as I sit here now I wonder if I had been able to capture the heart of my own child . . . if I had been better able to convey the truth . . . if . . . if . . . if. . . .

Would the rebellion that led to this day and the death of this grandchild never have occurred? I'm not driving the car. I didn't set it in motion, but I have to wonder if I might have better conveyed the urgency and influenced things to a more secure road.

The generation before me delight in badmouthing and gossip. The generation after me loves rebellion. The ones they listen to are brighter, more colorful -- They are younger, wiser, more cunning and devious. They lace their lies with enough truth to make their poison sweet and the bliss of their embrace clouds the reality of death.

This walk is not an easy one. This grief is rending my soul. Yet, I cannot deny the One Who died for me. May God have mercy. May this life not end before repentance and reconciliation. May there be a time when my children know Him as their Lord and Savior and may the generations to come reap a better part than that which I have known.

Oh please, let it be so . . .

Loneliness

I should follow-up my last post with one on the loneliness that is often present in this life. When you find yourself surrounded by those who are so consumed with themselves that they also consume you, it can be heartbreaking.

I'm not talking about the sadness that comes with the disappointment when you realize you thought someone cared more than they actually did. I'm referring to the realization that there may be only 1 or 2 persons (if that) who care for your heart. I'm referring to human persons here and not to the Almighty.

This can be sad because humans are frail beings and prone to die on occasion. As we age, those few persons that cared for our heart can leave this life. Additionally, circumstances change. We relocate or are called away to reside at great distances from those who are dear to us. These things and other things can bring about circumstances that find us bereft of any immediate contact with heart friends.

It's a sad thing to find ourselves as the window dressing of someone else's life. We provide a framework for their adventures and respond to their requirements, but there is none to care for us. Forget the silly simpering pitty partiers. That's just a waste of good breath and precious time.

But . . . do NOT forget that you are God's precious creation. You ARE here for HIS divine purpose. You are valuable to HIM, though no one else has taken the time to know your favorite color, song, or activities. Do not place value upon yourself based upon the ability of those around you to recognize that value. Rather, look to the One who made you and died for you. Unworthy though you are, you mattered enough for Him to woo you and draw you unto Himself.

So, it's okay to be sad for the loss and long for someone that wants to know your thoughts, preferences and perception.

Different Kinds of Friends

Friendships are a complicated enterprise. As a young girl/woman, I was of the opinion that people fell into two basic categories: friends and not friends. Looking back, I now realize that it's not so limited. Relationships are more like spheres that vary in size. They range from tight to loose. We needn't necessarily end or cut off friendships if we recognize this fact. I think it is when we fail to understand the spherical nature of friendships, that we find ourselves needing to cut people out of our lives -- because we don't know how to recognize the lines of influence.

Some friendships are very influential. We like what this person likes because this is a very important relationship. This is a very tight sphere of influence and it has a direct influence on our day-to-day outlook. Other friendships are very wide and broad. This may be someone that we met only once and occasionally call or write. We like this person, but we don't get the opportunity to socialize often. Then there are those medium-sized spheres of friendships that we might meet or see more often, possibly at work or at community gatherings. Each of these people have varying influence upon our decisions and choices.

Within the spheres of friendships, there are also varying levels of permeability. This means that some relationships are more one-way. Doctors are an example of this. They know some of the most intimate details about their patients while remaining relative strangers to the patient. There are some people in our lives that we are there to serve. Others are there for us. It is the rare relationship that is both in a close sphere AND quite permeable, allowing us to bear each others burdens. The relationships which allow us to encourage the other person with the expectation that this individual will gladly reciprocate when we are in need is seldom found and should be cherished.

Marriage was designed to be one of these types of small spherical, permeable friendships, exclusive of others. Yet, unless you find yourself married to someone with this same ideal, it is a fruitless endeavor in frustration to demand or expect it. There are many men that are raised with the idea that allowing emotional intimacy with a woman is equal to being a mama's boy or showing weakness. In the moments when he is vulnerable, he is more likely to become angry that a woman was witness to it and withdraw further.

So, what are you to do? You find yourself at a point in life when your dearest girlfriend or possibly your spouse has demonstrated to you that the relationship is for his or her benefit only. They enjoy the benefits of your favor without wishing to be concerned with your welfare. As a young woman, I would have told you to stop wasting your time with these self-centered people and to just walk away. However, time has taught me that there is another alternative.

Recognize that each relationship has its limitations. What does that look like?

I have a dear friend that calls me frequently with requests for advice, offering me details of her life. She knows a lot of factual information about my life, but not very much about me as a person. At least, not nearly so much as I know of hers after years of listening. This relationship is limited by her inability to extend concern for my interests except where they overlap her own. She expects that I will help her regain a perspective on her struggles and we share humor. However, I've learned to not expect her to reach beyond that on my behalf. If urgent matters occur in my life, she cannot view them in any way but through the lens of her own life. Since she knows little of my heart, her assumption is always that my motives mirror her own. Better said, if she were to send you a text or email which didn't get an immediate response, her assumption would be that you were ignoring her, rather than that you were busy. This is a one-way relationship. As long as I recognize this, we get along splendidly because I don't get hurt by unmet expectations.

This is the same in my relationship to my mother. She likes me well enough, but never has much to discuss other than to ask me a few details of my life. After the preliminaries, she launches into details about people I've never met, or seldom see. She tells me long accounts of conversations that don't concern or interest me and includes her pronouncements and declarations of wisdom on subjects that are all foreign to me. I smile and nod and ask few questions. That's all she really needs. Someone to listen. It doesn't occur to her to ask about how events are impacting me, my heart, or my feelings. Again, it's a one-way relationship.

It can work much the same way in marriage. It's the hurt of failed expectations that often kill a marriage. Let the spouse tell you by his actions what you can expect from the relationship. This will often save you from the emotions that make it impossible to continue living with someone that causes such pain when your expectations go unmet.

But, these are all lessons that come with experience. How can they benefit the young? I wish I had known this as a young person because I would have had a better perspective on who or what should be trusted with my heart. You don't trust someone with your heart when the relationship is one-way. You allow those in the one-way friendships to speak, express, bluster, blow, whatever and you just listen.

You don't go out and get a different hair-do, outfit, or make a major purchase based solely upon their counsel because you realize that their advice is offered in the context of a one-way relationship. Their concern is not for your welfare; it is that your agreement makes them feel better about their own choices. This type of person might get upset that you didn't get the color she recommended, but it will be short-lived. They will need a listening ear again soon and you will be back into favor.

This is also not the person that gets the largest voice in matters that concern your physical safety, welfare or your future. The one-way friendship is limited in its scope and can only offer opinions that benefit the one-way friend. There is no self-sacrifice for the benefit of another. When life is painful, when the storm is blowing, when things seem most precarious -- you may have to seek the advice of someone with whom you are less familiar.

The best advice may sometimes come to you from those who are in those wide spheres of friendship. They seem more distant, but that may only be because they are less demanding and less self-centered. However, if you take the time to look, you may find that these are the kind people who give without expectation of receiving in return. Their council is considered and thoughtful and given with an eye to the future. They do not give their advice lightly, nor are they belligerent or forceful. They may be firm, but they aren't bullies. They give freely and do not demand. These are the ones better trusted with your heart -- with the puzzles of your life.

You needn't cut off the ones that are one-way. Just recognize them and do not place demands on those relationships that they weren't designed to bear. See selfish designs for what they are and guard your heart. Flatterers are plentiful, but they are a snare to the soul.

Watch the inconsistencies and mark them. Do you enjoy listening to her talk of others? Guess who she speaks of when you are not there. Do you sympathize with the suffering victim that endures injustices from his parents? Guess who he will rebel against when you are his wife. Do you have a soft and sympathetic heart because you've known hurt yourself? Then watch and be sure that those you help are truly in need and not just those that recognize this trait in you and use it to their own advantage.

An easy and simple way to do this is to love God's truth and His word. Measure others by it, and you'll see the inconsistencies. You'll be able to trust this objective measure to your own benefit. And this will allow you to let others be what they are: one-way, permeable, wide, medium or tight.

Demanding While Undeserving

It's easier to demand what you don't have

than it is to accept you are undeserving
of the blessings lavished upon you.

There are many things I don't have that I would like to demand.
I want to demand things on behalf of my children.
I don't have enough room to list the assorted demands
I'd like to place upon my spouse. *blush*

Hey, I'm even smart enough to know that I shouldn't make selfish demands. While others might demand leisure, ease and prosperity, I would go for things I see as needs -- items which are good by anyone's measure. I might even demand we all give peace a chance.

The thing is, while I'm making those demands and seeing them go unmet, I'm robbing myself of something precious. I'm like the little child that walks past all of the toys in my room and proclaims I haven't anything to play with, or the growing boy that stares at a kitchen full of food and states that there isn't anything to eat, or the teenaged girl with a closet full of clothes that declares she hasn't anything to wear.

As a young woman, I would hear all of the things that I should have without asking or demanding and I would become angry. Focused on these unmet needs/rights/necessities/etc. I would demand them from the people/places/things that had already neglected these things. Predictably, I would be disappointed. While I was busy demanding and running off to fix things with my own talents/abilities/strength, I had forgotten to do an inventory of the things I already had.

I was so busy jousting at windmills that weren't interested in my crusade that I was not willing to admit I had been blessed, and greatly so. In fact, I had received an abundance that I could not have secured on my own behalf or known to ask for if given the opportunity. There were those who crossed my path that I could have blessed with my abundance. But I took the coward's way.

It is easier to make angry demands, to fearfully clutch at that which is just beyond our grasp. We are afraid that if we don't do this, we won't get the biggest slice, the choice selection, the best place in line. To be content is to run the risk that we will be overlooked . . . by whom? It is so much more difficult to hold ourselves accountable for our blessings -- to realize that Someone hasn't overlooked what is most important and that someone else would be grateful to share them.

Am I lonely? Someone out there needs a friend. Find them.
Am I bored? I have talents that need to be put to use.
Are my days empty? Someone is overwhelmed and needs a hand.
Has my world come crashing down? Give the person next to you a hand.
They're hurting too and in need of a little hope.
Am I weak? It's time to discover a different kind of strength.
If I'm weeping, I should share the tissues.

The difference between demands and gratitude can make ALL the difference.
Rather than picking through the rubble of our lives and trying to make sense of it all, it's time to check on our neighbor and help them get to higher ground. Just as we received what we needed today, we will receive what we need tomorrow from the same wise One that took care of us yesterday. Wherever we are, in the midst of pain or grief, we have still been blessed. Grieve, mourn and do an inventory.

A wise person once told me not to let the holidays just happen to me. I was to be alone that year. The lonely holidays would be a reminder of all that had gone terribly wrong leading up to that point. There wasn't money to make a special meal, send cards or buy the trappings that accompany the celebration. Days stretched before me in which I could easily have drowned in despair as I reflected on it all. Instead, I found a place to volunteer to serve meals. All day, I offered smiles and helped people find seats. I offered them the things that I knew I needed.

Then, one woman changed my perspective. She was there with her three small children all under the age of 5 or so. I helped her juggle plates and little hands and got them all settled. She looked at me and told me how that her husband had left her alone with the children and she had just been diagnosed with cancer. All day, I had been thinking that these people were more fortunate than me. At that point, I grew up a little and realized that I wasn't the only person struggling, that my difficulties weren't even the worst in the world. I realized that I didn't have a patent on suffering. Bad things happen. People hurt. We can ease one another's burden with what little we have: time, a smile, a touch, a look, a word.

Hold your blessings with an open hand. You can see them better that way -- and you can more easily share them.

Die On What Hill?

From my earliest memories, I can recall having a strong sense of right and wrong. I was a child and a young adult that could become so focused on the details that the big picture would fade into irrelevance. When I perceived that something just wasn't right, I was like a dog with a bone -- gnawing at the thing until it could no longer be ignored.

Once during a drawing class, I lost my corrective lenses. These couldn't be replaced immediately as I was an impoverished student at the time. The result was that I was left trying to render images of a model I could barely see. To my chagrin, the teacher was thrilled with the result. Because I could no longer see the details of the features, I was forced to focus on the stance of the model, the play of the light and the general 'feel' of the form before me. Before, my renderings had been tight and controlled. Now, they were loose, intuitive and calligraphic. I was forced to reflect upon the image as a whole. My nearsightedness meant that I had to look at the big picture, because I could no longer gnaw on the little details.

Why is that important tonight?

It's important because I find that I care for good people that get hurt. These aren't self-destructive dolts that go out and enjoy their 15 minutes of fame by chasing headlines. Rather, these are good people that do good things for good reasons and are falsely accused. The indignity of it -- the wrongness of it -- makes me want to stand up and proclaim THIS IS NOT RIGHT!

These are the individuals that reach out to the least of these. They are not afraid to offer hope to the hopeless or defend the defenseless. The very ugliness they stand against, they are accused of promoting.

I am tempted to wrestle with the false accusers. I want to refute them line for line, and I could . . . but then I remember that art class. I ask myself, what is my focus?

And the reality is that sometimes it's just fun to beat them at their own game. It's satisfying to watch the bad guys fall, to jump in the fray and hand it back to them enjoying the momentary victory.

What IS the focus then?

The people I most admire and respect are not great individuals in their own merit. Rather they are great because of the One they serve. I so admire and respect them because I know that they do what they do because they want to redeem the time, to reach just one more person, to make an eternal difference for just one more family. They are less concerned with what anyone thinks of them than they are with what others think of their message -- their message of hope.

When I look at the big picture, the details fade from view. I realize they are right. It's not so important that they have the respect of strangers. What's important is that they have a platform from which they can share their story of hope. . . Not that I can refute all of the lies, but that I can share the truth.

My friends are consumed with the mission of reaching a lost and dying world for Christ and being allowed to share the truth.

Once upon a time, I would have been shouting from a mountaintop about how this is NOT right. I would have been telling anyone who would listen how these people are good people and demonstrating that the negative stuff is taken out of context, or outright lies.

That was then, though. With time, you learn that all details aren't worth quibbling over. That some hills aren't worth the loss of life to take. . . . And that the message is more important than the assorted messengers.

This is one I wish I'd have learned sooner rather than later.

A Beginning

There certainly is a lot for us to discuss, isn't there? So much is happening to you. So much is going to happen to you. . . . and the events of life are bearing down on you whether or not you are ready for them.

Breathtaking twists and turns await. Things you can't anticipate, things you'd never knowingly choose, but that's just how life comes to us. My hope is that you'll not lose the wonder even when you are tempted to give up -- that you will be reminded that life's greatest gifts often come in packages that break our hearts.

Life is a series of lessons after all. Here is where I recall those lessons. I know I cannot tell these things to my younger self. (OH! How I wish I could!) I already know how the story turns out for me. But maybe there is another younger self out there somewhere who needs to know that there is life on the other side, that there are red flags you can recognize and that some things just don't matter in the grand scheme of things -- even if it seems like life is coming to a screeching halt and all your dreams will never come true.

May your journey be enriched. May you reach greater heights and experience joys I can only imagine.