Some friendships are very influential. We like what this person likes because this is a very important relationship. This is a very tight sphere of influence and it has a direct influence on our day-to-day outlook. Other friendships are very wide and broad. This may be someone that we met only once and occasionally call or write. We like this person, but we don't get the opportunity to socialize often. Then there are those medium-sized spheres of friendships that we might meet or see more often, possibly at work or at community gatherings. Each of these people have varying influence upon our decisions and choices.Within the spheres of friendships, there are also varying levels of permeability. This means that some relationships are more one-way. Doctors are an example of this. They know some of the most intimate details about their patients while remaining relative strangers to the patient. There are some people in our lives that we are there to serve. Others are there for us. It is the rare relationship that is both in a close sphere AND quite permeable, allowing us to bear each others burdens. The relationships which allow us to encourage the other person with the expectation that this individual will gladly reciprocate when we are in need is seldom found and should be cherished.
Marriage was designed to be one of these types of small spherical, permeable friendships, exclusive of others. Yet, unless you find yourself married to someone with this same ideal, it is a fruitless endeavor in frustration to demand or expect it. There are many men that are raised with the idea that allowing emotional intimacy with a woman is equal to being a mama's boy or showing weakness. In the moments when he is vulnerable, he is more likely to become angry that a woman was witness to it and withdraw further.
So, what are you to do? You find yourself at a point in life when your dearest girlfriend or possibly your spouse has demonstrated to you that the relationship is for his or her benefit only. They enjoy the benefits of your favor without wishing to be concerned with your welfare. As a young woman, I would have told you to stop wasting your time with these self-centered people and to just walk away. However, time has taught me that there is another alternative.
Recognize that each relationship has its limitations. What does that look like?
I have a dear friend that calls me frequently with requests for advice, offering me details of her life. She knows a lot of factual information about my life, but not very much about me as a person. At least, not nearly so much as I know of hers after years of listening. This relationship is limited by her inability to extend concern for my interests except where they overlap her own. She expects that I will help her regain a perspective on her struggles and we share humor. However, I've learned to not expect her to reach beyond that on my behalf. If urgent matters occur in my life, she cannot view them in any way but through the lens of her own life. Since she knows little of my heart, her assumption is always that my motives mirror her own. Better said, if she were to send you a text or email which didn't get an immediate response, her assumption would be that you were ignoring her, rather than that you were busy. This is a one-way relationship. As long as I recognize this, we get along splendidly because I don't get hurt by unmet expectations.
This is the same in my relationship to my mother. She likes me well enough, but never has much to discuss other than to ask me a few details of my life. After the preliminaries, she launches into details about people I've never met, or seldom see. She tells me long accounts of conversations that don't concern or interest me and includes her pronouncements and declarations of wisdom on subjects that are all foreign to me. I smile and nod and ask few questions. That's all she really needs. Someone to listen. It doesn't occur to her to ask about how events are impacting me, my heart, or my feelings. Again, it's a one-way relationship.
It can work much the same way in marriage. It's the hurt of failed expectations that often kill a marriage. Let the spouse tell you by his actions what you can expect from the relationship. This will often save you from the emotions that make it impossible to continue living with someone that causes such pain when your expectations go unmet.
But, these are all lessons that come with experience. How can they benefit the young? I wish I had known this as a young person because I would have had a better perspective on who or what should be trusted with my heart. You don't trust someone with your heart when the relationship is one-way. You allow those in the one-way friendships to speak, express, bluster, blow, whatever and you just listen.
You don't go out and get a different hair-do, outfit, or make a major purchase based solely upon their counsel because you realize that their advice is offered in the context of a one-way relationship. Their concern is not for your welfare; it is that your agreement makes them feel better about their own choices. This type of person might get upset that you didn't get the color she recommended, but it will be short-lived. They will need a listening ear again soon and you will be back into favor.
This is also not the person that gets the largest voice in matters that concern your physical safety, welfare or your future. The one-way friendship is limited in its scope and can only offer opinions that benefit the one-way friend. There is no self-sacrifice for the benefit of another. When life is painful, when the storm is blowing, when things seem most precarious -- you may have to seek the advice of someone with whom you are less familiar.
The best advice may sometimes come to you from those who are in those wide spheres of friendship. They seem more distant, but that may only be because they are less demanding and less self-centered. However, if you take the time to look, you may find that these are the kind people who give without expectation of receiving in return. Their council is considered and thoughtful and given with an eye to the future. They do not give their advice lightly, nor are they belligerent or forceful. They may be firm, but they aren't bullies. They give freely and do not demand. These are the ones better trusted with your heart -- with the puzzles of your life.
You needn't cut off the ones that are one-way. Just recognize them and do not place demands on those relationships that they weren't designed to bear. See selfish designs for what they are and guard your heart. Flatterers are plentiful, but they are a snare to the soul.
Watch the inconsistencies and mark them. Do you enjoy listening to her talk of others? Guess who she speaks of when you are not there. Do you sympathize with the suffering victim that endures injustices from his parents? Guess who he will rebel against when you are his wife. Do you have a soft and sympathetic heart because you've known hurt yourself? Then watch and be sure that those you help are truly in need and not just those that recognize this trait in you and use it to their own advantage.
An easy and simple way to do this is to love God's truth and His word. Measure others by it, and you'll see the inconsistencies. You'll be able to trust this objective measure to your own benefit. And this will allow you to let others be what they are: one-way, permeable, wide, medium or tight.
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