Emotional Hostage Takers

My condolences to anyone that is related to or must regularly deal with an Emotional Hostage Taker (EHT). These individuals are usually female, however (in this day of the feminized male) I see it also occurring in some men.

What's an Emotional Hostage Taker?

An EHT is a person that demands all others be consumed with meeting their emotional needs. As a parent, and EHT will teach the children to never think for themselves and will convince them that any act of autonomy is an attack against their poor, poor mother. As a wife, this woman will demand that her husband have no outside contacts without her presence. She will emasculate him and then play the victim when he becomes angry over her manipulations. She will 'punish' her husband for having any hobbies, conversations or interests that don't revolve around her. She expects to be the center of the universe in her home.

As a co-worker, she is alternately a bully and a victim. She will collect long lists of other people's wrongs and hold them until she needs to use them as a weapon against anyone that threatens to call her to account for her own actions. If she is in a position of authority, she will work to get rid of anyone that cannot be intimidated. As a worker, she will not strive to do her best, only to best those around her. The object is not to do excellent work, but to appear skilled by being compared to those who present no real competition. When all else fails, she will become emotionally distraught, accuse others of creating a hostile work environment and threaten legal action -- alternately bullying and playing the victim.

As an extended family member, this is the person that ruins every get-together. She is adept at laying traps and collecting evidence to support her false accusations. An innocent comment that someone would like some salt is retold as a vicious attack on her cooking skills. Any statement can be twisted by the EHT to cast doubts on the speaker's motives. If an elderly adult expresses concern over a child for any reason, this woman will angrily swoop in and disrespect her elders in the guise of defending her turf. In order to compete with other moms in the family, she will look for ways to portray them as mean, unfriendly, harsh or poor mothers in comparison to herself. Her husband will not be allowed to make plans or converse with anyone unless it is with her approval or in her presence. Sometimes, in order to appear innocent of the strife she cultivates, she will require that her husband fight her battles for her. This means family members will often be left wondering what prompted an angry retort from an otherwise peaceful man.

The children of this woman will avoid telling her details regarding any occasion. She is threatened by any event that occurs outside of her supervision. If she has a best friend, that person will be VERY quiet by necessity.

If she doesn't change, the EHT will eventually drive all family members away. At the end of life, her habits will likely be so ingrained that she will be incapable of seeing anything wrong with the cruelties that have served her so well. This is a person that doesn't trust others will care for her without being coerced into it. Those who care but won't be manipulated eventually leave her to stew in her own juices.

It's one thing to look to loved ones to comfort and soothe us when times are difficult. However, it is quite another to demand that others feelings always come second to your own. If you've caught yourself walking down this path, it's worth your most valiant effort to turn away and with the help of all of Heaven's resources, refuse to go there any longer.



Emotional Hostage-Taking
by Sea Gisondo

I'm sorry love for everything I've done
I manipulate with tears to til I'm sure that I have won
I'm sorry dear for often seeing red
For reconstructing every little word you said to me

Out to be a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've said
Sometimes I think I'm right and get inflated in the head
I'm sorry love for getting out of hand
I know that you forgive me but just try to under
Stand what I say, it's not meant that way

As a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for being such a bitch
For pointing out each fault of yours and finding every glitch
I admire your adeptness to forgive
To accept the dirty truth and just get on and
Live and give

Nothing is a storm stronger than the ocean
I have to stop taking you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've done

***

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes~
***

False Accusers Showing True Colors

You'd love my friend Chrissy. She was raised as a well loved child by some incredible people. As a result, she always assumes you have the best intentions. When someone's feelings get hurt and they start to pout it goes right over her head. That's because Chrissy just can't imagine a world where people would intentionally try to hurt her feelings or would think that of her. She just knows you like her.

I need to spend more time with Chrissy and her family!

Me? I come from the kind of family where if someone asks you for a favor, you are then accused of being rude because you granted the favor. I shouldn't be, but I'm just amazed by the lengths some people will go to to accuse someone else of being mean or hurtful.

Like I said, I need to spend more time with Chrissy's family. Encounters like the one I described just leave me feeling dirty.

To defend my actions only makes it look like my actions need to be defended. The implication that I had exposed personal details publicly is still there. The fact that others made the matter public is not given any weight.

Whew! Insecure females are tiresome!

I like what a wise man once said, "They tell you who they're working for by what they do."

False accusers aren't working for the winning team. . . . That would explain why they aren't corrected by the Father. He only corrects His own.

Moving Forward in When Others Want to Pull You Down

Lots of families have malicious gossipers. If one of these persons disagrees with you, you won't be asked to clarify or support your opinion. Instead the incident will be recounted in an altered version of the conversation where you are made to appear intolerant, accusatory, arrogant or display some other ugly trait.

I recall adults in my childhood who would attack me verbally and otherwise, imagining that they were supporting my parents who were saddled with such an awful child. The truth was that they had believed efforts to malign my character. People ask me why I never told an adult what was happening in my home when I was growing up, and I laugh at the implication that any adult would have believed me. My parents had convinced them that I was not to be trusted.

Today, most people that know my parents understand that they are the way they are and take their comments with a grain of salt. A younger family member is also this way and is better at masking her hostility and deception, and this can cause some difficulty.

If you meet her, it won't take long before this woman displays this trait. At the first sign of sympathy, she will begin to detail the many faults and crimes of her husband. Being human, he has his fair share. She tells all from the perspective of a person who is completely innocent of any contribution to her difficulties. Her mother (by her account) was horrible to her and has never properly apologized for the trauma caused by expecting her daughter to do household chores. She elevates her position as a wife, mother, sister, etc. by giving examples of the many failures around her. Her critical eye doesn't miss much and with time, she can easily give the worst motives to the most genuine comment or action.

I wasn't surprised when I heard she had wagged her tongue about me. She had sought me out for my opinion on a matter I've researched. I provided her with the information I had, reassured her that I thought she was doing her best under the circumstance and suggested that she try one of several options.

I left it at that.

However, that conversation has been retold in this way: She did not ask my opinion. I simply walked up to her and pronounced my judgment, impugning abilities and motives in an accusatory way.

Now, I know that this woman has problems. I know that she has falsely represented her parents, her husband, my parents and anyone else that ever suggested that there might be another approach to her decision making process. I've listened to her embellish the mistakes of others until they appeared criminal. I also know that when she asks me for advice, it is more often a craftily laid trap to give her ammunition. I know these things, and I still care about her and her children. And it still hurts to know that she takes the time to gossip and paint me as a monster.

I do feel a little better to know that no one that knows me believes her. I'm glad they would let me know.

How do you move forward when this happens in your family?

Well, I haven't the time or the energy to bother correcting a misbehaving adult. I've offered her my time and attention whenever she requested it and given many opportunities for her to leave her bad habits behind until I have finally decided to decline opportunities to visit. Thankfully, she lives too far away to visit often. I regret not having a closer relationship with her family, but I can't expend time and emotion trying to work around the drama related to all of that at the expense of my own family. Mostly, I'm just thankful for the miles that separate us. If she were physically closer, it would be more difficult.

I love her. I love her family. I love their children. Moving forward in this instance means not making myself or my family an easy target. Family doesn't always mean friendly. Those that should love and support you often don't. So, I'll be even more guarded. I'll not offer any advice, even when asked. I'll be cool, demure, nod and smile with one eye on the nearest exit when I'm in her presence.

Life's just too short to spend it building bridges others are trying to rip apart.

So whether you are struggling to leave behind the ones that refuse to join you on the journey, or wondering if it's worth it to lay aside the hurts and grievances, I invite you to join me. Set aside the things that humans fight and posture over. We have something better to move towards. Let's move forward!

Sweep Around Your Own Front Door -- Adult Siblings

Relating to siblings as adults is not a simple matter. Some people embrace adulthood. Others avoid it by rehashing their childhoods again and again in an effort to extract apologies from everyone that they think wronged them.

While you can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family. This means you will spend a lifetime being related to people that may or may not ever get over themselves. Add to this the fact that these individuals marry others that have struggles of their own.

This is (overall) not a problem for me. However, as I've aged, tolerating perpetual victims has become more of a challenge. When you've endured loss and come out the other side, you just want to celebrate and be grateful to be alive. Additionally, if you have grown to the point that you make an effort to focus on the blessings in your lives, it's difficult to be around those that like to take inventory of the disappointments.

In my family's dynamic, I am often left trying to perform a balancing act. My parents are racist and malicious gossips. They offer opinions and directions to adults as though they are given to a toddler. They regularly disrespect others and disrupt gatherings with their bickering. My job is to honor them, not to approve of them.

Younger siblings have found that it is easier to love parents from afar and have moved their families to other states and counties. However, some siblings went to the effort of packing up and taking their angst to their new addresses. This means that if they ever visit my parents, they come with unresolved histories and the expectation that their absence has somehow humbled these people. These are the same parents that have spent a lifetime defending their indefensible actions.

Add to this the fact that there seems to be some expectation placed upon older siblings to act as a go-between. I regularly disappoint others in this area. I don't carry tales or take sides. It also doesn't help that I choose to treat adults as adults. I'm have sympathy for childhood struggles. I agree that children should be loved, provided for and protected. I am not, however, the righter of all wrongs. I will not be beating up my parents emotionally or otherwise to make someone else feel better.

It's regrettable that families have financial struggles. However, I refuse to use my resources to help family members whose children enjoy luxuries denied to my own because we live within our means (or try to). We don't take expensive trips. It's each family's prerogative to spend their days and resources traveling to various activities. It's my prerogative to not empty my pantry in order to support another's lifestyle choices.

The fact that I'm not taking sides, not attacking my parents, and not shelling out hard earned money to fend of self-made crisis means that I am often not very popular among some siblings. Apparently, they have looked at me, my time and my resources as items owed them from a substitute parent. It's easier to take out their frustrations on me. . . . And I'll admit that I'm not very cooperative.

The road goes both directions. I've traveled for gatherings, made calls, opened my home, etc. The doors are still open at my house, but I no longer beg and plead for others to take the time. I finally got smart and realized that if I wore myself out to get them to spend time with me, I hadn't won a very good prize when all I got for the trouble was an afternoon of listening to complaints or witnessing disrespectful behavior towards old people.

Relationships shouldn't be the equivalent of picking at an infected wound. We need to learn how to apply some salve and let things heal. There might be a scar, but that's life. Why throw away our future and all of our todays playing the victim? My only conclusion is that it just hasn't gotten painful enough for some people. They haven't reached the bottom; it hasn't gotten bad enough for them to turn around and start living.

The message here is:
For parents -- If you want to have a relationship with adult children, respect them as adults and use your manners.
For siblings -- Get over yourself. You aren't the only person with a painful childhood. Did someone molest, abuse, neglect, hurt your feelings? Here's a news flash, the children you grew up with all experienced the same things, but they aren't waiting on you to fix their screw ups and they aren't blaming their problems on you. If you're mad at mom & dad, don't expect big sis or brother to be mad too. It's time to grow up.
For SIL's --
A. Your husband isn't a mess because he had siblings that didn't know how to parent him. If he's lied to you about other things, he's probably lying about his childhood. He isn't a pitiful victim, but he will play that card as long as you let him.
B. Just because we aren't willing to help you emasculate your husband doesn't mean we think he's right. We aren't the enemy.
C. We would love to be your friend, but we aren't going to take sides against our brother just to make you feel better. Quit trying to drag us into and blame us for your marital problems.
D. We have a shared history. Please stop being jealous when we laugh or talk together. Don't punish us because your spouse neglects you and the children. An hour with us only proves that he COULD spend time with you if he WOULD. It's not our fault that he doesn't, and he will only avoid us if you make it an issue. We aren't the reason that he doesn't do what he should. We aren't blaming you, please stop blaming us.
For Older Siblings -- Life's too short to waste it chasing around younger brothers and sisters trying to maintain a relationship when they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Reach out, but direct your focus to your own immediate family ties and friendships. Invest yourself in that which gives the greatest return.

“Let everyone sweep in front of his own door,
and the whole world will be clean.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When it comes to siblings, that's good advice!

The Me He Cannot See

There are times in our lives when we realize that the ones we love most are unable to see us or acknowledge our needs. To become bitter over such a reality is the response that only hurts us. Someone once described bitterness as the act of drinking poison and waiting on the other person to get sick. We are the only ones that suffer.

One of the kindest persons in my life is also someone that cannot see past her bewildered angst and hurt enough to stop doing harmful things. She has survived so much, but cannot celebrate the life that remains. She has the ability to insert criticisms into the most casual conversations and bring a chill to warm exchanges. While serving others and tending their needs, she seems oblivious to their feelings. She is my mother.

My husband is another one of those persons. We had a much needed conversation recently where I asked him to please acknowledge me when I spoke so that I would know he had heard me. His habit had been to respond to my questions, statements or comments with silence. I could never tell if he heard, agreed, disagreed, or had thoughts on the topic. This is more often about inconsequential items, but lately it had been in regard to things like home security and safety.

I outlined my reasons for needing him to let me know he had heard me if I spoke to him, and he sat in silence, feeding my feelings of worthlessness. I asked him for a response and he said, "I'm listening." Then he further explained, "I'm trying to keep things level. I believe actions speak louder than words."

To that, I replied that I agreed. His actions told me that I was not worthy of acknowledgement. His actions told me that he was perpetually angry with me. His actions told me that he would not disclose his thoughts to me because I am not part of him. His actions were cruel.

It was like a light bulb moment of sorts. His refusal to engage had not been seen (by him) as an action. In an attempt to avoid all potential conflict, he did not know he had isolated me. He could not see my need. In a world where only his comfort or feelings exist, I had become invisible. His behavior worked for him at a high cost to me.

As is often the case, it was one of those concrete moments that shed light on the problem with his approach. There's nothing like a large project involving power tools and 90 degree weather to demonstrate the folly in not answering someone when they ask you if you've got a good hold on something.

This post then is an encouragement to isolated wives that the cruelty of enforced isolation is sometimes nothing more than an adult trying to protect themselves from anticipated and imagined attacks. If he had an overbearing mother, you may be dealing with it for years, so it's better to see it for what it is and not let bitterness take root. For men, I'll kindly suggest that the universe has not rallied all of its forces to come against you. The person that shares your life, your bed and your children isn't the enemy and you aren't her victim.

For young women, mark how a young man responds to his mother. Even if she IS a bitter angry shrew and deserves his disdain, she won't live forever and the habits learned in his childhood for coping with her will be applied to his wife, whether she deserves it or not. If you see him discounting or mocking her, do not choose this man. Men learn about women first from their mother. No matter that you are not her. No matter that you are her polar opposite. He will emotionally respond to you as the kind of female his mother is (or was). If she belittled, criticized, cajoled, and condemned him, he will be very tempted to work out all of that pent up frustration with you BECAUSE you aren't her, you are safe, and he can. It's easier to take out life's frustrations on someone that has vowed to never leave.

So, when choosing a husband, look carefully at his family of origin. See how the mother in the home is perceived by those living with her. If she is seen as critical or shrewish, keep looking. Those perceptions will determine how the son's future wife is perceived by her husband.

Loving a Bitter, Angry Person

It's amazing how much progress you can sometimes make without realizing it. What I am writing here is just a point along the way. I've not yet arrived, but looking back, I've certainly traveled a LONG way!

Love is such an enriching part of marriage. It colors everything. Love is the oil that makes the rough places smooth, that soothes the hurt and makes the bumps and bruises of this life a little easier to take. Just as God loves us, He asks us to love each other. When we do as He has commanded, when we follow the Creator's instructions, this institution He has designed works wonderfully!

I'm a romantic at heart. I can see the romance in painting a room together, a cup of coffee without having to ask, and someone offering to do something for me 'just because.' Grand gestures make me suspicious of the motives behind them. I guess that this is because it's just easier to throw money at something hoping to make yourself look better than it is to consistently extend kindnesses.

Then again, I've also seen people that would extend kindnesses as a way of getting a free pass for bad behavior. The neighbor lady that 'just wants to help' may offer to clean your kitchen and organize your cupboards only as a way of keeping you captive long enough to collect juicy tidbits for gossip. If you are upset with her later for telling tales, she will feign hurt that you didn't think better of her after all she's done for you.

Yes, I'm a romantic, but I'm also a realist.

I know what it is to love and love well. I've had glimpses of what it is to be loved well. I am the wife of a man that cares much about how he provides for his family, and I can tell you that I love him with all my heart. I've cared for him through sickness and health. I've borne him children, learned to cook his favorite foods and read his various moods. This is the man I've grown old with. I love his work worn hands and the years of toil they represent. I love the feel of his arms around me and his breath against my neck. I long for times of solitude with him when he only sees me, and I don't have to compete with the cares of the day.

Every day I rise with the hope of his embrace.

I do not expect it, however.

As we have aged, my husband has grown angry and bitter. Mostly, he is a fearful man. Most of those fears are unnamed ones. He doesn't give them voice. Instead, as difficulties or challenges arise in his work day or at home, he just glowers and growls. He doesn't like people much . . . and I'm a people.

We don't talk because it makes him angry to have a conversation. This means that he lives mostly inside of his own head. He is an observer without context. He sees things around him and assumes that he knows how they got that way, what led to the circumstance. He determines whether this is good or acceptable and then he becomes angry. Most of the time, we blindly try to please him by guesswork. Since it makes him angry to explain things, we aren't really sure what he wants. Sometimes, we get things JUST RIGHT! That's a time for celebration.

More often, though, I miss the elusive mark. I keep trying and have become quite skilled at this 'pin-the-tail-on-his-wants' game (or is it Marco Polo?). The difficulty is that after a lifetime of convincing himself that he MUST be afraid and that he MUST be angry, these emotions have become a sort of security blanket. As awful as it must be for him to feel this way, it is familiar; it is comfortable.

The sad part of it all is that I've had to let go of my notions of what it is to be a wife and to be loved. That feminine and soft side of me has faded away and a hard, practical woman has taken her place. The woman that would lavish so many daily extras, affection and good things on this man if he would just let her, was stifled and squelched long ago.

I wake each day. I don't get my hug. I move on. Life awaits.

There are more good reasons to stay in this marriage than there are reasons to leave. In fact, you might even say that I've already been 'put away.' However, I've retained my address and my children have grown up in an intact home. They don't have to juggle holidays or figure out where to go for special occasions. There's one single address.

The truth is that as love is defined in Scriptures, I've accepted that my husband does not love me . . . and I'm not much liked or wanted in my own home, either.

How do you get up every day and face that? How do you manage to put one foot in front of another when your heart is broken, caring for someone that despises you and scowls at the sight of you?

Well, it isn't easy. It is doable however. A lot of it has to do with knowing who you are and who your spouse is.

I am a loved child of the Most High, created for His use and purpose. I am a help meet to a man that has believed too many lies about himself to know the truth about me. That's okay. Life is short. I can love him in this life, and he can come to understand truth in the next. It's not my job to enlighten him.

Are there times when I want the meanness to stop? Would it be a relief to wake each day and finally see a friendly face? Yes! So, I keep some animals around. That way, something is available for a cuddle or offers me a friendly greeting. They even seem to soften my husband a bit. I take my kindnesses when they are offered and give thanks for them. I hurt. I admit that. But life is about more than how much I've been hurt.

Life is about living and living it well. Life is about realizing that you have a purpose even if those closest to you don't believe it's true. It's about knowing you deserve to be loved, even when you are not. To do the noble thing is not to do the convenient or the easy thing. To love when it's free and easy is nothing more than the most base among us would do. That kind of love is only self-serving.

But when we love in spite of the unloveliness . . . That is a thing of beauty. It's the flower that blooms in the snow, the sparrow that sings in the storm.

My husband is angry. He does not love me.

I love him. I love him. I love him. By God's grace, I love him. And God loves me!

Help Meet to a Husbandman

There is a lot of information in various circles of believers regarding how God organized the family structure. Much has been written using the words authority, headship, patriarchal, etc. My own life experience has proven that there are far more sick variations that twisted minds have devised than there are genuine, loving homes and marriages that seek to honor the Creator.

When God created man He placed him in the garden and told him to tend it. In this environment, Adam learned what it meant to be keeper of his domain. It was in this context that woman was created, given to him as a wife. Man was called her head.

Later, God describes the relationship as that of Christ to the church -- her Savior and Redeemer.

I heard a very wise man once say that anyone can tear down and destroy, but it takes a real man to build. If you examine the word husband, it is a derivative of the word husbandman. Just as a husbandman tends the plants, land and animals in his domain, creating an environment where they can flourish and bear fruit -- a husband tends to those in his domain, that they may flourish and become . . . more. More of what they could or should be given the things they need to GROW.

Do husbands have power? Do they have authority? Are they in charge?

Of course. They have the same power, authority and influence as the work worn farmer returning from the fields. His domain bears witness to his influence, the wisdom of his decisions and the power of his labor. In the examples of Scripture -- those heads which God favors -- they are those which are husbandmen. The story of the good steward tells of how God measures stewardship -- by the return. Go to the calloused-handed farmer and tell him about the glories of his headship over his land and he will laugh wryly at your pictures of absolute dictatorship. He knows what it takes to be a successful husbandman. And that is what it takes to be a husband that God honors.

Why is this important? Because the efforts that wives make to honor a man within his own home are offerings of grace, nothing less. He is her savior, her husbandman. She is his help meet, a daughter of the Most High. Those that fear God would do well to remember that our conduct reflects our true belief.

I've seen beautiful, vivacious, talented and gifted women ground beneath the heel of arrogant, selfish, demeaning attempts at manhood. A few decades of that treatment and they begin to wane in many ways -- especially the physical. If this kind of man were a dairyman, he would leave his stock to feed and milk themselves and then berate them for looking poorly. Anyone with sense would see the foolish dairyman for what he is, but we chide and berate wives that have endured the same treatment for the sake of Christ.

Instead, I suggest that we look to the example of a true help meet -- Abigail. Her husbandman was a churlish man. He did not look well to the ways of his domain. Those charged to his care had their very lives endangered by his careless habits. Abigail did not gloss over the truth of his actions. She accepted them for what they were and stood in the gap when lives were at stake. She saw that all they had been given was a charge from the Almighty, and she dared not squander that which had been placed within her hands to protect and tend. So, when Nabal would have let others die for the sake of his belligerence, his help meet, Abigail, took action that turned the tide. She did not add to the sin of his actions.

A true help meet, helps a man tend that which has been entrusted to him. She doesn't increase his error. She mitigates it so that eternal purposes are honored. She is not his judge. She is his helper. She tends and cares for his domain that there might be an increase in things physical, mental, emotional and physical.

Sometimes, the task of a help meet is to quietly believe the truth even when her husband has believed a lie. Some husbands will want wives that act as their conscience, their mother, their taskmasters, their managers, etc. There are far more men that would much prefer to leave off the responsibilities of husbandship. They chase after selfish means and motives to the hurt of those left in their charge. They shift about for someone to carry their load and take the blame.

We wives aren't to be at odds with them. Leave God to be the righteous judge. Rather we are to walk in the light of truth, not in religious customs, and trust that God will make provision as we honor Him and His design for the family. There may well be men that will never step into the role God has ordained, but our challenge as wives is to live in such a way that our husband COULD step into that role if he WOULD. Let's not be a stumbling block by adding to their excuses for rebellion.

And, for the record ladies, we ARE emotional creatures. If we did not need men to work to create an environment where we could flourish, God would not have ordained it so. Rather than beat each other up for feeling frustrated, upset, bewildered and even angry with the challenges we face following an imperfect husband, it's high time we encouraged each other along the way. It's time we took our emotions to God and acknowledged them rather than trying to pretend they don't exist by sedating ourselves with inappropriate relationships, food, careless spending, bitterness, etc.

Will we find that God's resources can meet our need? Will we trust that the supply will be there when it is most required? Or will we follow the temptation to surrender to the despair? Will we declare victory during the raging storm? Or will we sink into silent hopelessness? We may not choose the circumstance, but I do believe God is waiting to give us hope in those circumstances.

Go to God and tell Him the truth about what you are feeling and LISTEN to His response. Admit your part in it and work on yourself. Another cigarette, another drink, another piece of chocolate -- none of these help to do anything but to distract you from the real issue. You feel used, neglected, unloved. Tell Him and remember His words. You may not have a husbandman, but that isn't because God wouldn't love to give you one. . . . and He has made provision for those that are left as widows -- even widows within their own marriage.

I know even as I write these words that there are some 'suffering saints' that have made a career of religious martyrdom, criticizing their men and holding them up to ridicule. If you are one of those, you won't likely recognize this about yourself. All the more reason to pray with humility. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. Those things that we so casually condemn in others, He will not bear lightly in our own lives. If we could see it in others as an error, the obvious question is why we did not deal with it in our own.

So, if you are hurt or hurting, be sure that you are not increasing the damage done by the one to whom you've pledged yourself. Sometimes we have to honor the dishonorable so that he can see some things for himself. A husbandman learns what works best with his domain by seeing the results of his effort. Let him learn and allow the chafing of the process to do a good work in you also.

Do not believe the lie that you are less. Even if your man has believed this lie, you needn't trust it. Expect more from yourself and from him. Live each day as though THIS will be the day your efforts bear fruit in your home. . . one day you will be right.

Remember that monarchies were first devised by unbelieving and rebellious men. Pray for your husband if he determines to be the lord of his castle rather than God's husbandman. Pray that God will become his Lord and that his heart will be returned to that which pleases God and bears fruit in the home. Show him the daily ministry of undeserving grace.

With God's strength and aid, may our husbands all be true husbandmen. May they look back over the result of their labors, praising God for the increase.

Death Before Birth

As I write this, my heart is breaking. There aren't words to describe what I'm feeling. My first grandchild will never draw breath on this earth. Before this little one was born, there is death.

The circumstances that surrounded this news were bad -- even if the child had survived.

I feel so impotent. So much of this life has been an exercise in trying to be heard. To count. To matter.

As a child and young adult, I had two reoccurring nightmares. In one, I was a little girl at the wheel of a vehicle hurtling out of control. My feet couldn't reach the pedals to hit the brake. All I could do was steer, desperately trying to save my life and the life of those in the car. I would awake before the crash.

The other dream was always about some looming disaster. I had knowledge of it and was certain of its accuracy. However, in the dream as I try to get people to leave the burning building, move to higher ground, escape the bad guys, etc. no one will believe me. If secrecy is needed, the ones I am trying to get to safety stand and laugh and ask me loudly what it is I wanted them to know.

The second variety of dreams lasted longer into my adulthood.

I no longer have those dreams because I know that it is up to the others whether or not they listen . . . And I'm not in charge of the driving. However, as I sit here now I wonder if I had been able to capture the heart of my own child . . . if I had been better able to convey the truth . . . if . . . if . . . if. . . .

Would the rebellion that led to this day and the death of this grandchild never have occurred? I'm not driving the car. I didn't set it in motion, but I have to wonder if I might have better conveyed the urgency and influenced things to a more secure road.

The generation before me delight in badmouthing and gossip. The generation after me loves rebellion. The ones they listen to are brighter, more colorful -- They are younger, wiser, more cunning and devious. They lace their lies with enough truth to make their poison sweet and the bliss of their embrace clouds the reality of death.

This walk is not an easy one. This grief is rending my soul. Yet, I cannot deny the One Who died for me. May God have mercy. May this life not end before repentance and reconciliation. May there be a time when my children know Him as their Lord and Savior and may the generations to come reap a better part than that which I have known.

Oh please, let it be so . . .

Loneliness

I should follow-up my last post with one on the loneliness that is often present in this life. When you find yourself surrounded by those who are so consumed with themselves that they also consume you, it can be heartbreaking.

I'm not talking about the sadness that comes with the disappointment when you realize you thought someone cared more than they actually did. I'm referring to the realization that there may be only 1 or 2 persons (if that) who care for your heart. I'm referring to human persons here and not to the Almighty.

This can be sad because humans are frail beings and prone to die on occasion. As we age, those few persons that cared for our heart can leave this life. Additionally, circumstances change. We relocate or are called away to reside at great distances from those who are dear to us. These things and other things can bring about circumstances that find us bereft of any immediate contact with heart friends.

It's a sad thing to find ourselves as the window dressing of someone else's life. We provide a framework for their adventures and respond to their requirements, but there is none to care for us. Forget the silly simpering pitty partiers. That's just a waste of good breath and precious time.

But . . . do NOT forget that you are God's precious creation. You ARE here for HIS divine purpose. You are valuable to HIM, though no one else has taken the time to know your favorite color, song, or activities. Do not place value upon yourself based upon the ability of those around you to recognize that value. Rather, look to the One who made you and died for you. Unworthy though you are, you mattered enough for Him to woo you and draw you unto Himself.

So, it's okay to be sad for the loss and long for someone that wants to know your thoughts, preferences and perception.

Different Kinds of Friends

Friendships are a complicated enterprise. As a young girl/woman, I was of the opinion that people fell into two basic categories: friends and not friends. Looking back, I now realize that it's not so limited. Relationships are more like spheres that vary in size. They range from tight to loose. We needn't necessarily end or cut off friendships if we recognize this fact. I think it is when we fail to understand the spherical nature of friendships, that we find ourselves needing to cut people out of our lives -- because we don't know how to recognize the lines of influence.

Some friendships are very influential. We like what this person likes because this is a very important relationship. This is a very tight sphere of influence and it has a direct influence on our day-to-day outlook. Other friendships are very wide and broad. This may be someone that we met only once and occasionally call or write. We like this person, but we don't get the opportunity to socialize often. Then there are those medium-sized spheres of friendships that we might meet or see more often, possibly at work or at community gatherings. Each of these people have varying influence upon our decisions and choices.

Within the spheres of friendships, there are also varying levels of permeability. This means that some relationships are more one-way. Doctors are an example of this. They know some of the most intimate details about their patients while remaining relative strangers to the patient. There are some people in our lives that we are there to serve. Others are there for us. It is the rare relationship that is both in a close sphere AND quite permeable, allowing us to bear each others burdens. The relationships which allow us to encourage the other person with the expectation that this individual will gladly reciprocate when we are in need is seldom found and should be cherished.

Marriage was designed to be one of these types of small spherical, permeable friendships, exclusive of others. Yet, unless you find yourself married to someone with this same ideal, it is a fruitless endeavor in frustration to demand or expect it. There are many men that are raised with the idea that allowing emotional intimacy with a woman is equal to being a mama's boy or showing weakness. In the moments when he is vulnerable, he is more likely to become angry that a woman was witness to it and withdraw further.

So, what are you to do? You find yourself at a point in life when your dearest girlfriend or possibly your spouse has demonstrated to you that the relationship is for his or her benefit only. They enjoy the benefits of your favor without wishing to be concerned with your welfare. As a young woman, I would have told you to stop wasting your time with these self-centered people and to just walk away. However, time has taught me that there is another alternative.

Recognize that each relationship has its limitations. What does that look like?

I have a dear friend that calls me frequently with requests for advice, offering me details of her life. She knows a lot of factual information about my life, but not very much about me as a person. At least, not nearly so much as I know of hers after years of listening. This relationship is limited by her inability to extend concern for my interests except where they overlap her own. She expects that I will help her regain a perspective on her struggles and we share humor. However, I've learned to not expect her to reach beyond that on my behalf. If urgent matters occur in my life, she cannot view them in any way but through the lens of her own life. Since she knows little of my heart, her assumption is always that my motives mirror her own. Better said, if she were to send you a text or email which didn't get an immediate response, her assumption would be that you were ignoring her, rather than that you were busy. This is a one-way relationship. As long as I recognize this, we get along splendidly because I don't get hurt by unmet expectations.

This is the same in my relationship to my mother. She likes me well enough, but never has much to discuss other than to ask me a few details of my life. After the preliminaries, she launches into details about people I've never met, or seldom see. She tells me long accounts of conversations that don't concern or interest me and includes her pronouncements and declarations of wisdom on subjects that are all foreign to me. I smile and nod and ask few questions. That's all she really needs. Someone to listen. It doesn't occur to her to ask about how events are impacting me, my heart, or my feelings. Again, it's a one-way relationship.

It can work much the same way in marriage. It's the hurt of failed expectations that often kill a marriage. Let the spouse tell you by his actions what you can expect from the relationship. This will often save you from the emotions that make it impossible to continue living with someone that causes such pain when your expectations go unmet.

But, these are all lessons that come with experience. How can they benefit the young? I wish I had known this as a young person because I would have had a better perspective on who or what should be trusted with my heart. You don't trust someone with your heart when the relationship is one-way. You allow those in the one-way friendships to speak, express, bluster, blow, whatever and you just listen.

You don't go out and get a different hair-do, outfit, or make a major purchase based solely upon their counsel because you realize that their advice is offered in the context of a one-way relationship. Their concern is not for your welfare; it is that your agreement makes them feel better about their own choices. This type of person might get upset that you didn't get the color she recommended, but it will be short-lived. They will need a listening ear again soon and you will be back into favor.

This is also not the person that gets the largest voice in matters that concern your physical safety, welfare or your future. The one-way friendship is limited in its scope and can only offer opinions that benefit the one-way friend. There is no self-sacrifice for the benefit of another. When life is painful, when the storm is blowing, when things seem most precarious -- you may have to seek the advice of someone with whom you are less familiar.

The best advice may sometimes come to you from those who are in those wide spheres of friendship. They seem more distant, but that may only be because they are less demanding and less self-centered. However, if you take the time to look, you may find that these are the kind people who give without expectation of receiving in return. Their council is considered and thoughtful and given with an eye to the future. They do not give their advice lightly, nor are they belligerent or forceful. They may be firm, but they aren't bullies. They give freely and do not demand. These are the ones better trusted with your heart -- with the puzzles of your life.

You needn't cut off the ones that are one-way. Just recognize them and do not place demands on those relationships that they weren't designed to bear. See selfish designs for what they are and guard your heart. Flatterers are plentiful, but they are a snare to the soul.

Watch the inconsistencies and mark them. Do you enjoy listening to her talk of others? Guess who she speaks of when you are not there. Do you sympathize with the suffering victim that endures injustices from his parents? Guess who he will rebel against when you are his wife. Do you have a soft and sympathetic heart because you've known hurt yourself? Then watch and be sure that those you help are truly in need and not just those that recognize this trait in you and use it to their own advantage.

An easy and simple way to do this is to love God's truth and His word. Measure others by it, and you'll see the inconsistencies. You'll be able to trust this objective measure to your own benefit. And this will allow you to let others be what they are: one-way, permeable, wide, medium or tight.