Losing to Win

No matter how competitive they are, there's no way to win at a husband's expense without causing yourself to lose.

I know. I know. Many husbands are so competitive that they are forever posturing and looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their 'superiority' over their wives. It's a very wise woman that can know this is a lie and yet allow her husband to posture for this imaginary position. I'm talking practicality here -- a calculated acquiescence. In legal terms, acquiescence means to knowingly stand by without raising any objection to the infringement of your rights.

The trick is to do this without bitterness. Understand that a man that has had to compete and find his place in this world doesn't always know how to turn that off when he gets home. There are assorted ways to discourage this behavior, but taking offense and pointing out his flawed approach/reasoning will only drive a wedge between you. This results in him not only feeling like less of a man (because a woman bested him), but now he is defensive over his approach (which has worked in sports, the workplace, school, and everywhere else).

Think for a minute about the women that men find naturally attractive. At critical points and moments, they express a weakness or need that the male can meet. A woman that knows a man well will eventually learn his weaknesses. There will be times when a wife will find herself and her husband at a point of need that is also his weakness. You can either emphasize that weakness by challenging him and besting him, or you can mitigate the potential damage by diffusing the situation.

If you insist on demonstrating your superiority, you will emasculate him, make him feel foolish and do damage to the marital relationship. Here is the point where you ask yourself which is more important: your marriage or making sure your husband knows how great you are.

If you've got a good man and you're a smart cookie, you'll choose the marriage.

There are also times when being determined to prove you are right will cost you even more. I recently read of a woman that is married to a man that thinks his job is to smooth her feathers at every turn rather than address the issue. This means that when one of their children is ill, if she goes to him for advice or guidance, he will only try to reassure her that the child is not really sick. In one instance he even chided her for taking a child to the emergency room late at night. The child was experiencing a dangerous loss of blood.

Knowing this about her husband means that this wife -- while she loves and respects her husband -- does not involve him when it comes to taking care of the children's medical emergencies. She's on her own in this regard. She accepts this and proceeds as is required.

Would it be nice to have a husband that addresses the issues at hand rather than always protecting his emotional tender spots? Yes, but realize that this is the way they are made. They have a visceral need to feel 'manly' and 'superior.' If you take that away from them, you lose EVERY TIME.

Admittedly, some men do such a good job of demonstrating their lack of admirable traits that a wife's mere presence is enough to threaten them. A kind and good wife will stand in stark contrast to a bombastic, impatient brute. Seeing her be patient when he knows he deserves to be screamed at is enough to drive some men over the edge, but that isn't the wife's fault. A man at war with his own conscience will simply take it out on whoever is available. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about the wife that tries to get her husband to see the 'error' of his ways by showing him how wrong he is. You might prove him wrong, but you'll also give up sex, romance, companionship, friendship and a lot of other perks that come with a good marriage. By pointing out the obvious, you'll become the enemy and no longer his ally.

Are there some men that crave their wives honest opinions? Do some husbands want open conversation and a real challenge to talents and abilities? Yes, but even these need to know they can hold their own. When you have the option of allowing him to win convincingly, do so. You will benefit.

What does this mean in practical terms? In practical terms, you'll need to regularly evaluate his limitations. Does he lack self control in an area? Don't tempt him where you know he will fall. This means you don't even ask about whether or not to put filters on your internet connection when you KNOW he might be tempted by certain sites. You don't ask him about splurging on something when you know he can't handle money. Hire someone to do the things you know he consistently can't or won't do. THEN compliment him on how well he has provided. Just because you had to find a round about way to get it done doesn't mean he can't get the praise he craves. It will also be easier for you to be generous in your praise when you've had things taken care of rather than setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather than stewing over how/whether/if/when he could/should change, you can focus on his attributes.

And that's what makes every marriage work, really. We can sit around and pick each other apart with criticisms, or we can be grateful for the merits of our spouse. Life's too short to spend it hoping the person you love will come to his senses and see things your way. If he did, he'd be a woman. Let it go. You aren't his mother. Enjoy being his wife.