Saturday, October 15, 2011

Monarchy Versus Husbandry

When deciding on a husband, I am finding that one of the MOST important things to do is to discover what his real thoughts are about the husband and wife relationship. How does he think the ideal couple relates to each other? How would he most like to relate to his wife and children?

Of course, a woman may not be the one to get this information out of a young interested man. He will only be trying to find the words to impress her. For him, words are the tool used to acquire the desired prize (the woman). He's not about to reveal any truth that he imagines would impede his progress. So, this knowledge will come from some keen observation and investigation -- not so much from long, intimate conversation.

Why is this so important?

Because there is a fallacy that is being promoted that the ideal husband functions as a king or monarch in his home. Anyone taking the time to read the Bible will learn the history of how monarchies were first formed. It was a heathen practice by groups that worshiped idols. When the newly formed nation of Israel first asked God to give them a king, God called them an adulterous people. He had invested the time and effort to teach them how to function as a united people. He had led them, provided for their needs and protected them. Now, they wanted to be like everyone else. They'd rather have a king than be faced with the intensity of a close relationship to Him, a theocracy.

Rightly so, God was offended. [Thomas Paine's booklet COMMON SENSE does a nice Bible study on the topic.]

God calls the man who has a wife a husband. Again, a brief reading of Scripture will reveal that the word husband is not used interchangeably with the word king. While Christ is called the King of kings. Husbands are not. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave His very life for it. In relationship to the Church, Christ is called a husband and the Church is his bride.

A husbandman is one that works hard to make things grow. He is not a slave to his own ego. He is not addicted to entertainments and distractions. He is one that relishes the opportunity to prove himself a good steward of that which has been entrusted. He rejoices to see new growth and encourages it. He works towards harvest time and brings in the return from the fields. He stores the increase and the overflow blesses those who are near him. He NEEDS a help meet to join him in the task and he relishes the good that comes when two hearts come together as one to make something MORE.

In a nutshell, that's what a husbandman is. He embarks on a journey that cultivates the wife and children entrusted to him into something more than any of them could have become alone. He does not selfishly take from others, he plants good seed for harvest time. He does not carelessly spend, he invests. He does not remain idle, because he sees that the seasons are passing. He considers the future and prepares himself and his household. He is a husband man.

A monarch, on the other hand, is insulated from the effects of his decisions. He passes down edicts that restrict his subjects, not himself. He receives information from fawning advisers that often have their own agendas and attempt to move and sway the king to their own advantage. He separates people from their possessions and fills his coffers with that which he has conquered and taken. He leads people into battle and orders the lives of individuals he does not know. His power and position is achieved by vanquishing his enemies and political intrigue. He is a prisoner of his own office and must secure his position by eliminating those who appear smarter or stronger than he. His people are required by law to honor him, but he cannot force them to love him. He is a figurehead, not an intimate. He is alone.

Children's cartoons sing the praises of growing up to be king. Very few people take the time to remind their sons what it means to be a husband. Grown men are going around defending their their 'honor,' trying to establish miniature monarchies. Too few are embracing husbandry. Families are suffering as a result. What every family needs is a husband. Too few husbands are accepting that role, choosing instead to punish members of the household that do not support the monarchy.

Do you answer a question honestly when asked? A husbandman is glad for the information because it gives him insight and feedback necessary to plan how to adjust and move forward. A monarch will be offended that you deign to say anything other than that which flatters his false image of himself. If you tell a monarch the truth, you risk punishment. If you tell a husbandman the truth, he will use the information to bring about a better end.

This carries over into other areas. Having a problem with the kids? A husbandman will want to know so that your efforts will be joined and the harvest not lost. A monarch will demand that you go away and not bother him with such trivia.

Are you lonely? A husbandman will take you with him into the fields where you will work together and talk and commune. A monarch will be offended that you expect him to be concerned with your needs when you should be serving him.

It goes on. In some circles it's gotten so perverse that believers tell women and children that they are under the authority of any man that decides to boss them around. No longer are we the bride of Christ, but we are now part of some religious hierarchy filled with little tyrants and fiefdoms. Little kings rule over their households and answer to bigger religious kings that tell them how to do everything from spend their money to how to run the show in the bedroom.

The high calling of husbandman has been set aside for the pomp and circumstance of kings with no clothes. In their clamoring to be first, they have made themselves last and taken their families with them.

Look at what a man is most proud of in his life. Has he been able to touch lives in a way that make them more than they were before they met him? Has the increase been in genuine accomplishments and investments of time an talent that showed a return, or has he accumulated power and awards at others' expense? Is he a husbandman to those around him or is he a monarch? Choose carefully when you select a husband.

Consider the different roles and response of a husbandman versus a monarch. Visit an estate, farm or plantation. If the place full of failing plants and sickly animals and you are charged with investigating why the conditions are so bad, you would find the person in charge and ask him what had happened. If you have stumbled upon a monarch, he will first be offended that you have noticed a flaw and then that you assumed it was his responsibility. He will bluster and say whatever is required to make you leave his presence. Often, you will find him running over a tattered list of excuses that includes blaming the plants and animals for being of inferior stock. He will never be convinced that the results have anything to do with his efforts.

If you have found the husbandman, you will likely see him in the middle of an urgent effort to discover the cause himself and/or solve the problem. He will have already contacted any advisers and be in the process of implementing any remedies available to him. Your concern will cause him to want to enlist your help before all that is precious to him is lost. THAT is a husbandman. He is INVESTED in his family and will not rest in his efforts to provide and protect.

Find yourself one of those, ladies. If you can, watch the entire documentary named A MAN NAMED PEARL. This man took the discarded plants from a neighborhood nursery and turned his property into a botanical showplace. A monarch could never have done what this willing caring man accomplished.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Submission in Rebels Clothing

Something weird happened to Christian women when I wasn't looking. . .
I don't know what led to it, but it's . . . well . . . weird.

When I was a girl, submission in marriage looked like what I saw Mrs. C doing. Mrs. C was married to an illiterate farmer that drove a produce truck. They both loved Jesus and she had spent her young adulthood working in a sewing factory. From the time my dad was a boy sweeping up at the factory until I was a young girl myself, you never heard Mrs. C. speak a word of idle gossip. She and her husband showed up at church like it was the greatest privileged and raised their girls to love all things related to God and His service.

Her husband didn't have lots of nice clothes, but Mrs. C knew how to make any garment look incredible. She would wash his bib overalls until they were spotless and then iron and starch them until they could stand on their own. She knew how to get his work shirts spotless white before there were special products and fancy washers to do the work for her. Mrs. C's husband might not have shown up to church in a suit and tie, but no man could compare to the love and attention that went into those overalls and shirts.

She made the most of what she had. She loved her husband and children faithfully. She focused on his strengths, took pride in his accomplishments and didn't let on that she noticed the rest. That's what submission USED to look like. The richest man in our circle never had such a wife as Mrs. C.

But that was then.

Today, there are women that are working hard to lead their homes from the position of submission. The goal seems to be to create an atmosphere where the husband will become 'all that he should be.' It's almost like, 'See honey? I did this and this and this so that you could become the man of my dreams.' It's a manipulation rather than something done from the position of faith and devotion to God and marriage. It's a systematic wearing down of a man's freedom to lead as a man -- for the good or bad.

When did we decide that the best way for a man to be a man was for him to acquiesce to a female's whims? When did we decide that the highest calling for a man was to follow the ups and downs of a woman's emotions? HOW is that manly?

Someone got things all upside down and inside out when I wasn't looking.

Here's the truth that women like Mrs. C and generations before me knew:

Honoring and submitting to a man isn't for wimps. It takes guts and resources that you are sure you don't have from time to time. Giving a man the final say in matters of marriage means that from time to time you will disagree, but you will follow. It also means that you have a mind of your own. If you didn't it wouldn't be submitting to follow. YOU will have to process how it plays out in your marriage. You'll have to sift through the stuff of life and determine what is honoring and what is just setting him up for failure so that he will 'see things your way' next time. You'll have to take your heart again and again before the God of this universe and ask Him to show you where you've fallen short. It's a process that is only possible when you are driven by your love and devotion to the God who calls you to it.

Throughout the body I'm hearing from pulpits how ministers expect wives to prod their husbands into church services. Wives are called to give of their time, money, and other resources without the agreement of their husbands. Rather than honoring the order created by God, there are all sorts of work-arounds that are camouflaged as submission.

For the record, IT ISN'T SUBMISSION WHEN:
* You engage in bad behavior -- or avoid doing what you should -- and THEN claim your husband told you to do it.
* You attempt to sidestep the consequences of your own actions by claiming your husband instructed you in the matter -- when he only agreed to avoid the inevitable argument.
* You tell your husband just enough information so that he will decide to do what you wanted him to do.
* You withhold or offer your favor to your husband to try and direct his actions.
* In matters where your husband directs, you do the opposite and claim God told you to do so.
* You order your household after teachings that you found, approved and convinced your husband to rubber stamp instead of building on your husband's preferences.

Submission isn't a game. It's a calling. It's not a way to wheedle the things you need or want out of your man. It's how we honor God and the man He made husbands to be.

*shaking head* I don't know.

Maybe the fear of the Lord just isn't common any more. Maybe a lot of people are getting their teachings from some place other than Scriptures. I suspect that there are a lot of power hungry individuals that are grasping at the authority God bestowed on husbands, thinking they can re-route it their own way. I've seen men in leadership trying to tell other men's wives how/where/what to do in their own homes. I've seen women judging other women on their clothing, food or health choices. Rather than Scriptures being our final authority, we've gone to living by a list of principles and standards that have taken on a life of their own.

Like I said, something weird happened to women when I wasn't looking.
I hope you are the exception to this trend.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Emotional Hostage Takers

My condolences to anyone that is related to or must regularly deal with an Emotional Hostage Taker (EHT). These individuals are usually female, however (in this day of the feminized male) I see it also occurring in some men.

What's an Emotional Hostage Taker?

An EHT is a person that demands all others be consumed with meeting their emotional needs. As a parent, and EHT will teach the children to never think for themselves and will convince them that any act of autonomy is an attack against their poor, poor mother. As a wife, this woman will demand that her husband have no outside contacts without her presence. She will emasculate him and then play the victim when he becomes angry over her manipulations. She will 'punish' her husband for having any hobbies, conversations or interests that don't revolve around her. She expects to be the center of the universe in her home.

As a co-worker, she is alternately a bully and a victim. She will collect long lists of other people's wrongs and hold them until she needs to use them as a weapon against anyone that threatens to call her to account for her own actions. If she is in a position of authority, she will work to get rid of anyone that cannot be intimidated. As a worker, she will not strive to do her best, only to best those around her. The object is not to do excellent work, but to appear skilled by being compared to those who present no real competition. When all else fails, she will become emotionally distraught, accuse others of creating a hostile work environment and threaten legal action -- alternately bullying and playing the victim.

As an extended family member, this is the person that ruins every get-together. She is adept at laying traps and collecting evidence to support her false accusations. An innocent comment that someone would like some salt is retold as a vicious attack on her cooking skills. Any statement can be twisted by the EHT to cast doubts on the speaker's motives. If an elderly adult expresses concern over a child for any reason, this woman will angrily swoop in and disrespect her elders in the guise of defending her turf. In order to compete with other moms in the family, she will look for ways to portray them as mean, unfriendly, harsh or poor mothers in comparison to herself. Her husband will not be allowed to make plans or converse with anyone unless it is with her approval or in her presence. Sometimes, in order to appear innocent of the strife she cultivates, she will require that her husband fight her battles for her. This means family members will often be left wondering what prompted an angry retort from an otherwise peaceful man.

The children of this woman will avoid telling her details regarding any occasion. She is threatened by any event that occurs outside of her supervision. If she has a best friend, that person will be VERY quiet by necessity.

If she doesn't change, the EHT will eventually drive all family members away. At the end of life, her habits will likely be so ingrained that she will be incapable of seeing anything wrong with the cruelties that have served her so well. This is a person that doesn't trust others will care for her without being coerced into it. Those who care but won't be manipulated eventually leave her to stew in her own juices.

It's one thing to look to loved ones to comfort and soothe us when times are difficult. However, it is quite another to demand that others feelings always come second to your own. If you've caught yourself walking down this path, it's worth your most valiant effort to turn away and with the help of all of Heaven's resources, refuse to go there any longer.



Emotional Hostage-Taking
by Sea Gisondo

I'm sorry love for everything I've done
I manipulate with tears to til I'm sure that I have won
I'm sorry dear for often seeing red
For reconstructing every little word you said to me

Out to be a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've said
Sometimes I think I'm right and get inflated in the head
I'm sorry love for getting out of hand
I know that you forgive me but just try to under
Stand what I say, it's not meant that way

As a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for being such a bitch
For pointing out each fault of yours and finding every glitch
I admire your adeptness to forgive
To accept the dirty truth and just get on and
Live and give

Nothing is a storm stronger than the ocean
I have to stop taking you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've done

***
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes
~
***

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

False Accusers Showing True Colors

You'd love my friend Chrissy. She was raised as a well loved child by some incredible people. As a result, she always assumes you have the best intentions. When someone's feelings get hurt and they start to pout it goes right over her head. That's because Chrissy just can't imagine a world where people would intentionally try to hurt her feelings or would think that of her. She just knows you like her.

I need to spend more time with Chrissy and her family!

Me? I come from the kind of family where if someone asks you for a favor, you are then accused of being rude because you granted the favor. I shouldn't be, but I'm just amazed by the lengths some people will go to to accuse someone else of being mean or hurtful.

Like I said, I need to spend more time with Chrissy's family. Encounters like the one I described just leave me feeling dirty.

To defend my actions only makes it look like my actions need to be defended. The implication that I had exposed personal details publicly is still there. The fact that others made the matter public is not given any weight.

Whew! Insecure females are tiresome!

I like what a wise man once said, "They tell you who they're working for by what they do."

False accusers aren't working for the winning team. . . . That would explain why they aren't corrected by the Father. He only corrects His own.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Immodest Minds

I grew up in a home that required the females to wear skirts and dresses. Because there was no money for new clothes, this meant that we were limited to hand me downs. Sewing wasn't a past time that was taught and no materials were provided for alterations.

I attended a public schools. My experiences involved answering questions posed by curious teachers and classmates that viewed my clothes as an odd choice for the casual school day. Physical education teachers received written accusatory explanations from my father on why I wouldn't be allowed to wear shorts or other appropriate clothing for gym. Instead, I wore thick sweat pants on even the hottest days.

You would think that this glaring difference in dress would have been a neon sign flashing that I was not available for lurid advances. It didn't. Placing me within a community of people that had different standards only meant that I was daily ridiculed for clothing choices I didn't make and for my parents' condemning attitude. This isolated me so that the only ones which approached me with kindness were those who pitied me or who were trying to manipulate me.

Men and boys that had been aroused by images and glimpses of girls' privates on display through revealing clothing were on the prowl for someone to fulfill their compulsive fantasies. They were looking for someone that no one liked, that likely wouldn't tell, that no one would believe if she told. They wanted something they thought was 'unused.' Like a predator picking out the straggler, the young, the weakest, the unprotected -- they found me.

Whether it was the perverted neighbor who wanted to see if he could look in my window, the old man that wanted to give me my first French kiss, or the boy that wanted to see how far he could go, I found myself fending off these advances at home, family gatherings, church and school.

I still believe in modesty. However, here's where I think many people fail in their efforts:

1) MODESTY ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE OUTSIDE -- Modesty isn't just about how you dress, but how you present yourself. You can be fashionable AND attractive AND modest. For a female, feeling good about what you wear gives you a confidence that predators avoid. They would never try the stuff they do with a confident girl. Her clothing shows that she is cared for and cares for herself. Someone is watching out for her.

2) MODESTY DOESN'T HAVE A UNIFORM -- If you adopt a standard that is completely foreign to your culture, rather than a modest form of dress that is accepted in your culture, then you attract attention for all the wrong reasons. You make yourself stand out as odd because of your strange dress rather than because of your devotion to your faith. This is decidedly immodest.

3) RUN IN CIRCLES THAT RESPECT YOUR STANDARDS -- Even if it's a small circle, it is important to have a support group for your children that includes kids their same gender and age which are sharing the same challenges. If attending a school, find one with a dress code that mirrors your own. Tossing a child into a hostile arena to defend herself on a daily basis without support is just wrong. Few adults would subject themselves to the same abuse AND if they did, they would be sure to have strong support at home. The bottom line is that if it is important enough for you to set as a standard, it's important enough for you to go to the trouble of protecting your family. Put your money where your faith is and take the time to provide a support system for the ones you are supposed to protect.

4) DON'T THINK THAT DRESSES PROTECT FEMALES FROM PERVERTS -- Too many "men" blame the female form for their own slimy thought life. Such a male sees every glimpse of a woman's body as an invitation to 'go there' in his own mind. This twisted thinking produces a man that is convinced he's not capable of controlling himself (he would if a police officer showed up). He excuses his behavior by telling himself that the females were 'asking for it.' In this society, men need to be taught how to avoid and deal with temptation like MEN -- Honorable MEN. Prepare your daughter to deal with the reality that a lot of supposedly god-fearing men are mentally masturbating throughout the day with any image presented to them. All it takes is a moment alone with a female that has a poor self image. A man with such garbage filling his mind will see a dress as an open invitation to get his hands and anything else roaming. He will tell your modestly dressed daughter it is her fault for being too alluring.

5) KNOW WHY YOU DRESS MODESTLY -- You are trying to help good men avoid temptation and keep some things only for your husband's eyes. You aren't there to demonstrate to others the error of their way or elevate yourself in their presence. If your head is in the right place, you shouldn't be checking to see if others noticed how 'godly' you appeared or compare yourself to others. If you've gained the spotlight by your appearance, you've drawn it away from the One you claim to serve. If you are using modest dress to get attention, then you are using modest garments for immodest purposes.

6) DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A PLEASANT EXPRESSION -- One of the arguments for modest dress is that the eye be drawn to the face rather than the figure. Wearing a smile rather than a scowl is one way to accomplish this. The nicest fashions can easily be seen as dowdy and unattractive if the wearer appears perpetually unhappy. Let your joy show!

7) WEAR CLOTHING APPROPRIATE FOR THE ACTIVITY -- You can be feminine and modest while participating in athletics, outdoor activities, formal occasions and many others. However, you would NOT wear the same outfit to each of those. Have clothing that is suitable for the purpose. You wouldn't wear the same clothing to do the gardening as you would to attend a wedding or graduation. Inappropriate dress is also immodest because it only serves to draw attention to the wearer.

8) TEACH YOUR BOYS TO BEHAVE AS GENTLEMEN -- This includes their thought life. If you exist in this world at this time, your sons will be bombarded with inappropriate images. Everywhere they go they will meet women who have no idea how men struggle to avoid looking at the body parts being accentuating with poor clothing choices. You have the opportunity to teach them how to win the battle to treat every human being with dignity and respect rather than as an opportunity to use them (or the sight of them) as a tool for their own pleasure. I think too many people focus on how women should or shouldn't present themselves while neglecting to teach their boys how to deal with real temptation. In my day, good manners meant treating others with dignity -- no matter their station, race or clothing choices. A man that treats woman like a lady -- even if she doesn't present herself like one -- is a wonderful example of devotion to one's faith.

I nearly cheered when I saw this video from India



These are just a few things I wish I had been taught as a child and known as a young adult. Instead, I spent a long time wearing the wrong things for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in an effort to meet some imposed standard of modesty. I would have done better to focus on serving my Savior with my choices and enjoying the freedom that comes with that focus.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Losing to Win

No matter how competitive they are, there's no way to win at a husband's expense without causing yourself to lose.

I know. I know. Many husbands are so competitive that they are forever posturing and looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their 'superiority' over their wives. It's a very wise woman that can know this is a lie and yet allow her husband to posture for this imaginary position. I'm talking practicality here -- a calculated acquiescence. In legal terms, acquiescence means to knowingly stand by without raising any objection to the infringement of your rights.

The trick is to do this without bitterness. Understand that a man that has had to compete and find his place in this world doesn't always know how to turn that off when he gets home. There are assorted ways to discourage this behavior, but taking offense and pointing out his flawed approach/reasoning will only drive a wedge between you. This results in him not only feeling like less of a man (because a woman bested him), but now he is defensive over his approach (which has worked in sports, the workplace, school, and everywhere else).

Think for a minute about the women that men find naturally attractive. At critical points and moments, they express a weakness or need that the male can meet. A woman that knows a man well will eventually learn his weaknesses. There will be times when a wife will find herself and her husband at a point of need that is also his weakness. You can either emphasize that weakness by challenging him and besting him, or you can mitigate the potential damage by diffusing the situation.

If you insist on demonstrating your superiority, you will emasculate him, make him feel foolish and do damage to the marital relationship. Here is the point where you ask yourself which is more important: your marriage or making sure your husband knows how great you are.

If you've got a good man and you're a smart cookie, you'll choose the marriage.

There are also times when being determined to prove you are right will cost you even more. I recently read of a woman that is married to a man that thinks his job is to smooth her feathers at every turn rather than address the issue. This means that when one of their children is ill, if she goes to him for advice or guidance, he will only try to reassure her that the child is not really sick. In one instance he even chided her for taking a child to the emergency room late at night. The child was experiencing a dangerous loss of blood.

Knowing this about her husband means that this wife -- while she loves and respects her husband -- does not involve him when it comes to taking care of the children's medical emergencies. She's on her own in this regard. She accepts this and proceeds as is required.

Would it be nice to have a husband that addresses the issues at hand rather than always protecting his emotional tender spots? Yes, but realize that this is the way they are made. They have a visceral need to feel 'manly' and 'superior.' If you take that away from them, you lose EVERY TIME.

Admittedly, some men do such a good job of demonstrating their lack of admirable traits that a wife's mere presence is enough to threaten them. A kind and good wife will stand in stark contrast to a bombastic, impatient brute. Seeing her be patient when he knows he deserves to be screamed at is enough to drive some men over the edge, but that isn't the wife's fault. A man at war with his own conscience will simply take it out on whoever is available. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about the wife that tries to get her husband to see the 'error' of his ways by showing him how wrong he is. You might prove him wrong, but you'll also give up sex, romance, companionship, friendship and a lot of other perks that come with a good marriage. By pointing out the obvious, you'll become the enemy and no longer his ally.

Are there some men that crave their wives honest opinions? Do some husbands want open conversation and a real challenge to talents and abilities? Yes, but even these need to know they can hold their own. When you have the option of allowing him to win convincingly, do so. You will benefit.

What does this mean in practical terms? In practical terms, you'll need to regularly evaluate his limitations. Does he lack self control in an area? Don't tempt him where you know he will fall. This means you don't even ask about whether or not to put filters on your internet connection when you KNOW he might be tempted by certain sites. You don't ask him about splurging on something when you know he can't handle money. Hire someone to do the things you know he consistently can't or won't do. THEN compliment him on how well he has provided. Just because you had to find a round about way to get it done doesn't mean he can't get the praise he craves. It will also be easier for you to be generous in your praise when you've had things taken care of rather than setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather than stewing over how/whether/if/when he could/should change, you can focus on his attributes.

And that's what makes every marriage work, really. We can sit around and pick each other apart with criticisms, or we can be grateful for the merits of our spouse. Life's too short to spend it hoping the person you love will come to his senses and see things your way. If he did, he'd be a woman. Let it go. You aren't his mother. Enjoy being his wife.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Moving Forward in When Others Want to Pull You Down

Lots of families have malicious gossipers. If one of these persons disagrees with you, you won't be asked to clarify or support your opinion. Instead the incident will be recounted in an altered version of the conversation where you are made to appear intolerant, accusatory, arrogant or display some other ugly trait.

I recall adults in my childhood who would attack me verbally and otherwise, imagining that they were supporting my parents who were saddled with such an awful child. The truth was that they had believed efforts to malign my character. People ask me why I never told an adult what was happening in my home when I was growing up, and I laugh at the implication that any adult would have believed me. My parents had convinced them that I was not to be trusted.

Today, most people that know my parents understand that they are the way they are and take their comments with a grain of salt. A younger family member is also this way and is better at masking her hostility and deception, and this can cause some difficulty.

If you meet her, it won't take long before this woman displays this trait. At the first sign of sympathy, she will begin to detail the many faults and crimes of her husband. Being human, he has his fair share. She tells all from the perspective of a person who is completely innocent of any contribution to her difficulties. Her mother (by her account) was horrible to her and has never properly apologized for the trauma caused by expecting her daughter to do household chores. She elevates her position as a wife, mother, sister, etc. by giving examples of the many failures around her. Her critical eye doesn't miss much and with time, she can easily give the worst motives to the most genuine comment or action.

I wasn't surprised when I heard she had wagged her tongue about me. She had sought me out for my opinion on a matter I've researched. I provided her with the information I had, reassured her that I thought she was doing her best under the circumstance and suggested that she try one of several options.

I left it at that.

However, that conversation has been retold in this way: She did not ask my opinion. I simply walked up to her and pronounced my judgment, impugning abilities and motives in an accusatory way.

Now, I know that this woman has problems. I know that she has falsely represented her parents, her husband, my parents and anyone else that ever suggested that there might be another approach to her decision making process. I've listened to her embellish the mistakes of others until they appeared criminal. I also know that when she asks me for advice, it is more often a craftily laid trap to give her ammunition. I know these things, and I still care about her and her children. And it still hurts to know that she takes the time to gossip and paint me as a monster.

I do feel a little better to know that no one that knows me believes her. I'm glad they would let me know.

How do you move forward when this happens in your family?

Well, I haven't the time or the energy to bother correcting a misbehaving adult. I've offered her my time and attention whenever she requested it and given many opportunities for her to leave her bad habits behind until I have finally decided to decline opportunities to visit. Thankfully, she lives too far away to visit often. I regret not having a closer relationship with her family, but I can't expend time and emotion trying to work around the drama related to all of that at the expense of my own family. Mostly, I'm just thankful for the miles that separate us. If she were physically closer, it would be more difficult.

I love her. I love her family. I love their children. Moving forward in this instance means not making myself or my family an easy target. Family doesn't always mean friendly. Those that should love and support you often don't. So, I'll be even more guarded. I'll not offer any advice, even when asked. I'll be cool, demure, nod and smile with one eye on the nearest exit when I'm in her presence.

Life's just too short to spend it building bridges others are trying to rip apart.

So whether you are struggling to leave behind the ones that refuse to join you on the journey, or wondering if it's worth it to lay aside the hurts and grievances, I invite you to join me. Set aside the things that humans fight and posture over. We have something better to move towards. Let's move forward!


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sweep Around Your Own Front Door -- Adult Siblings

Relating to siblings as adults is not a simple matter. Some people embrace adulthood. Others avoid it by rehashing their childhoods again and again in an effort to extract apologies from everyone that they think wronged them.

While you can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family. This means you will spend a lifetime being related to people that may or may not ever get over themselves. Add to this the fact that these individuals marry others that have struggles of their own.

This is (overall) not a problem for me. However, as I've aged, tolerating perpetual victims has become more of a challenge. When you've endured loss and come out the other side, you just want to celebrate and be grateful to be alive. Additionally, if you have grown to the point that you make an effort to focus on the blessings in your lives, it's difficult to be around those that like to take inventory of the disappointments.

In my family's dynamic, I am often left trying to perform a balancing act. My parents are racist and malicious gossips. They offer opinions and directions to adults as though they are given to a toddler. They regularly disrespect others and disrupt gatherings with their bickering. My job is to honor them, not to approve of them.

Younger siblings have found that it is easier to love parents from afar and have moved their families to other states and counties. However, some siblings went to the effort of packing up and taking their angst to their new addresses. This means that if they ever visit my parents, they come with unresolved histories and the expectation that their absence has somehow humbled these people. These are the same parents that have spent a lifetime defending their indefensible actions.

Add to this the fact that there seems to be some expectation placed upon older siblings to act as a go-between. I regularly disappoint others in this area. I don't carry tales or take sides. It also doesn't help that I choose to treat adults as adults. I'm have sympathy for childhood struggles. I agree that children should be loved, provided for and protected. I am not, however, the righter of all wrongs. I will not be beating up my parents emotionally or otherwise to make someone else feel better.

It's regrettable that families have financial struggles. However, I refuse to use my resources to help family members whose children enjoy luxuries denied to my own because we live within our means (or try to). We don't take expensive trips. It's each family's prerogative to spend their days and resources traveling to various activities. It's my prerogative to not empty my pantry in order to support another's lifestyle choices.

The fact that I'm not taking sides, not attacking my parents, and not shelling out hard earned money to fend of self-made crisis means that I am often not very popular among some siblings. Apparently, they have looked at me, my time and my resources as items owed them from a substitute parent. It's easier to take out their frustrations on me. . . . And I'll admit that I'm not very cooperative.

The road goes both directions. I've traveled for gatherings, made calls, opened my home, etc. The doors are still open at my house, but I no longer beg and plead for others to take the time. I finally got smart and realized that if I wore myself out to get them to spend time with me, I hadn't won a very good prize when all I got for the trouble was an afternoon of listening to complaints or witnessing disrespectful behavior towards old people.

Relationships shouldn't be the equivalent of picking at an infected wound. We need to learn how to apply some salve and let things heal. There might be a scar, but that's life. Why throw away our future and all of our todays playing the victim? My only conclusion is that it just hasn't gotten painful enough for some people. They haven't reached the bottom; it hasn't gotten bad enough for them to turn around and start living.

The message here is:
For parents -- If you want to have a relationship with adult children, respect them as adults and use your manners.
For siblings -- Get over yourself. You aren't the only person with a painful childhood. Did someone molest, abuse, neglect, hurt your feelings? Here's a news flash, the children you grew up with all experienced the same things, but they aren't waiting on you to fix their screw ups and they aren't blaming their problems on you. If you're mad at mom & dad, don't expect big sis or brother to be mad too. It's time to grow up.
For SIL's --
A. Your husband isn't a mess because he had siblings that didn't know how to parent him. If he's lied to you about other things, he's probably lying about his childhood. He isn't a pitiful victim, but he will play that card as long as you let him.
B. Just because we aren't willing to help you emasculate your husband doesn't mean we think he's right. We aren't the enemy.
C. We would love to be your friend, but we aren't going to take sides against our brother just to make you feel better. Quit trying to drag us into and blame us for your marital problems.
D. We have a shared history. Please stop being jealous when we laugh or talk together. Don't punish us because your spouse neglects you and the children. An hour with us only proves that he COULD spend time with you if he WOULD. It's not our fault that he doesn't, and he will only avoid us if you make it an issue. We aren't the reason that he doesn't do what he should. We aren't blaming you, please stop blaming us.
For Older Siblings -- Life's too short to waste it chasing around younger brothers and sisters trying to maintain a relationship when they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Reach out, but direct your focus to your own immediate family ties and friendships. Invest yourself in that which gives the greatest return.

“Let everyone sweep in front of his own door,
and the whole world will be clean.”

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When it comes to siblings, that's good advice!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Me He Cannot See

There are times in our lives when we realize that the ones we love most are unable to see us or acknowledge our needs. To become bitter over such a reality is the response that only hurts us. Someone once described bitterness as the act of drinking poison and waiting on the other person to get sick. We are the only ones that suffer.

One of the kindest persons in my life is also someone that cannot see past her bewildered angst and hurt enough to stop doing harmful things. She has survived so much, but cannot celebrate the life that remains. She has the ability to insert criticisms into the most casual conversations and bring a chill to warm exchanges. While serving others and tending their needs, she seems oblivious to their feelings. She is my mother.

My husband is another one of those persons. We had a much needed conversation recently where I asked him to please acknowledge me when I spoke so that I would know he had heard me. His habit had been to respond to my questions, statements or comments with silence. I could never tell if he heard, agreed, disagreed, or had thoughts on the topic. This is more often about inconsequential items, but lately it had been in regard to things like home security and safety.

I outlined my reasons for needing him to let me know he had heard me if I spoke to him, and he sat in silence, feeding my feelings of worthlessness. I asked him for a response and he said, "I'm listening." Then he further explained, "I'm trying to keep things level. I believe actions speak louder than words."

To that, I replied that I agreed. His actions told me that I was not worthy of acknowledgement. His actions told me that he was perpetually angry with me. His actions told me that he would not disclose his thoughts to me because I am not part of him. His actions were cruel.

It was like a light bulb moment of sorts. His refusal to engage had not been seen (by him) as an action. In an attempt to avoid all potential conflict, he did not know he had isolated me. He could not see my need. In a world where only his comfort or feelings exist, I had become invisible. His behavior worked for him at a high cost to me.

As is often the case, it was one of those concrete moments that shed light on the problem with his approach. There's nothing like a large project involving power tools and 90 degree weather to demonstrate the folly in not answering someone when they ask you if you've got a good hold on something.

This post then is an encouragement to isolated wives that the cruelty of enforced isolation is sometimes nothing more than an adult trying to protect themselves from anticipated and imagined attacks. If he had an overbearing mother, you may be dealing with it for years, so it's better to see it for what it is and not let bitterness take root. For men, I'll kindly suggest that the universe has not rallied all of its forces to come against you. The person that shares your life, your bed and your children isn't the enemy and you aren't her victim.

For young women, mark how a young man responds to his mother. Even if she IS a bitter angry shrew and deserves his disdain, she won't live forever and the habits learned in his childhood for coping with her will be applied to his wife, whether she deserves it or not. If you see him discounting or mocking her, do not choose this man. Men learn about women first from their mother. No matter that you are not her. No matter that you are her polar opposite. He will emotionally respond to you as the kind of female his mother is (or was). If she belittled, criticized, cajoled, and condemned him, he will be very tempted to work out all of that pent up frustration with you BECAUSE you aren't her, you are safe, and he can. It's easier to take out life's frustrations on someone that has vowed to never leave.

So, when choosing a husband, look carefully at his family of origin. See how the mother in the home is perceived by those living with her. If she is seen as critical or shrewish, keep looking. Those perceptions will determine how the son's future wife is perceived by her husband.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Loving a Bitter, Angry Person

It's amazing how much progress you can sometimes make without realizing it. What I am writing here is just a point along the way. I've not yet arrived, but looking back, I've certainly traveled a LONG way!

Love is such an enriching part of marriage. It colors everything. Love is the oil that makes the rough places smooth, that soothes the hurt and makes the bumps and bruises of this life a little easier to take. Just as God loves us, He asks us to love each other. When we do as He has commanded, when we follow the Creator's instructions, this institution He has designed works wonderfully!

I'm a romantic at heart. I can see the romance in painting a room together, a cup of coffee without having to ask, and someone offering to do something for me 'just because.' Grand gestures make me suspicious of the motives behind them. I guess that this is because it's just easier to throw money at something hoping to make yourself look better than it is to consistently extend kindnesses.

Then again, I've also seen people that would extend kindnesses as a way of getting a free pass for bad behavior. The neighbor lady that 'just wants to help' may offer to clean your kitchen and organize your cupboards only as a way of keeping you captive long enough to collect juicy tidbits for gossip. If you are upset with her later for telling tales, she will feign hurt that you didn't think better of her after all she's done for you.

Yes, I'm a romantic, but I'm also a realist.

I know what it is to love and love well. I've had glimpses of what it is to be loved well. I am the wife of a man that cares much about how he provides for his family, and I can tell you that I love him with all my heart. I've cared for him through sickness and health. I've borne him children, learned to cook his favorite foods and read his various moods. This is the man I've grown old with. I love his work worn hands and the years of toil they represent. I love the feel of his arms around me and his breath against my neck. I long for times of solitude with him when he only sees me, and I don't have to compete with the cares of the day.

Every day I rise with the hope of his embrace.

I do not expect it, however.

As we have aged, my husband has grown angry and bitter. Mostly, he is a fearful man. Most of those fears are unnamed ones. He doesn't give them voice. Instead, as difficulties or challenges arise in his work day or at home, he just glowers and growls. He doesn't like people much . . . and I'm a people.

We don't talk because it makes him angry to have a conversation. This means that he lives mostly inside of his own head. He is an observer without context. He sees things around him and assumes that he knows how they got that way, what led to the circumstance. He determines whether this is good or acceptable and then he becomes angry. Most of the time, we blindly try to please him by guesswork. Since it makes him angry to explain things, we aren't really sure what he wants. Sometimes, we get things JUST RIGHT! That's a time for celebration.

More often, though, I miss the elusive mark. I keep trying and have become quite skilled at this 'pin-the-tail-on-his-wants' game (or is it Marco Polo?). The difficulty is that after a lifetime of convincing himself that he MUST be afraid and that he MUST be angry, these emotions have become a sort of security blanket. As awful as it must be for him to feel this way, it is familiar; it is comfortable.

The sad part of it all is that I've had to let go of my notions of what it is to be a wife and to be loved. That feminine and soft side of me has faded away and a hard, practical woman has taken her place. The woman that would lavish so many daily extras, affection and good things on this man if he would just let her, was stifled and squelched long ago.

I wake each day. I don't get my hug. I move on. Life awaits.

There are more good reasons to stay in this marriage than there are reasons to leave. In fact, you might even say that I've already been 'put away.' However, I've retained my address and my children have grown up in an intact home. They don't have to juggle holidays or figure out where to go for special occasions. There's one single address.

The truth is that as love is defined in Scriptures, I've accepted that my husband does not love me . . . and I'm not much liked or wanted in my own home, either.

How do you get up every day and face that? How do you manage to put one foot in front of another when your heart is broken, caring for someone that despises you and scowls at the sight of you?

Well, it isn't easy. It is doable however. A lot of it has to do with knowing who you are and who your spouse is.

I am a loved child of the Most High, created for His use and purpose. I am a help meet to a man that has believed too many lies about himself to know the truth about me. That's okay. Life is short. I can love him in this life, and he can come to understand truth in the next. It's not my job to enlighten him.

Are there times when I want the meanness to stop? Would it be a relief to wake each day and finally see a friendly face? Yes! So, I keep some animals around. That way, something is available for a cuddle or offers me a friendly greeting. They even seem to soften my husband a bit. I take my kindnesses when they are offered and give thanks for them. I hurt. I admit that. But life is about more than how much I've been hurt.

Life is about living and living it well. Life is about realizing that you have a purpose even if those closest to you don't believe it's true. It's about knowing you deserve to be loved, even when you are not. To do the noble thing is not to do the convenient or the easy thing. To love when it's free and easy is nothing more than the most base among us would do. That kind of love is only self-serving.

But when we love in spite of the unloveliness . . . That is a thing of beauty. It's the flower that blooms in the snow, the sparrow that sings in the storm.

My husband is angry. He does not love me.

I love him. I love him. I love him. By God's grace, I love him. And God loves me!


Friday, May 13, 2011

Mining For Gold

As we worked a boy told me how there were things he would never do the way his parents did. I listened to his noble goals and remembered feeling the same way for much of my youth.

We continued working while he talked, and I considered my response.

I held up two of the tools we were using. I told him, 'We learn so many things from our parents. It's easy to see the flaws and mistakes. For instance, you might say that your parents used one of these tools and things didn't go so well for them, so you have determined to never use that tool. Instead you will use this one. However, what seldom occurs to any of us is that neither tool is a good choice. When we choose our actions by avoiding someone's failure, we forget that there are uncountable ways to do something wrong. Often we just end up choosing another version of wrong.'

His eyes grew wide with alarm. How could any of us do better if we are only choosing between uncountable versions of the wrong way to do things?

I let that sink in for a while and then continued.

'I believe that God gives us parents not so that we can critique their mistakes. That would take us a lifetime. Instead, life is like attending a school where the subjects aren't named. Our first instructors are our parents and our opportunity is to learn from them the things they did correctly. We sift out the bits of grit and sand in search of the gold which is the things they got right. Then we build upon that and do better than they did.'

I thought about my own bitter parents. My childhood memories are punctuated with images of a mother given to emotional rages and a withdrawn, critical father. They were so often locked in their own power struggles that we children were left unprotected and insecure. Then I returned to our conversation.

'My parents did some things very well. My mother was a very compassionate woman. She would take us children with her as she drove people to church who were blind and had no family to care for them. She would take meals to others, wash their feet and cut their hair. My father had such a head for figures, he never needed a calculator. He loved the precision of mathematics, music and art. He delighted in the orderliness of creation and how a well tended seed would germinate, grow and yield an increase. Mother loved to sing. Father loved to learn. They did these things well.'

The boy considered my words. 'Do you mean that I could do things BETTER than my dad? HOW?' He seemed afraid to hope.

'Because,' I told him, 'God made you the son of a man that did some things with excellence. You have the opportunity to see those things lived out in real life. You can learn how do do them by learning from his example. Then, you will be able easily do as well as he did. With effort, you will become even more skilled at things it took him a lifetime to master. But these things only come to those that are willing to embrace the good, not just on reject the bad.'

'If you want to take a course in mechanics, you don't go to the gymnasium to find an instructor. Some of us have parents that have no idea how to train children, how to love a spouse, how to be patient, how to express love . . . That doesn't mean they weren't good at SOMEthing. You just have to find out what that something was and learn from it. There are always more things a parent is NOT good at than things a parent IS good at doing.

'Running around declaring how we will never do whatever the way our parents did is a trap. We end up avoiding a particular mistake while creating a new version of the same error. Mine for the gold and let God fill in the gaps. Trust the design of the Creator. He knows what He's doing -- even if He uses some of the most curious people to get it done.'

The boy smiled. 'I think you've got a lot of gold,' he said.

I smiled back and thought, I could have had more if I had known these things at his age.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Help Meet to a Husbandman

There is a lot of information in various circles of believers regarding how God organized the family structure. Much has been written using the words authority, headship, patriarchal, etc. My own life experience has proven that there are far more sick variations that twisted minds have devised than there are genuine, loving homes and marriages that seek to honor the Creator.

When God created man He placed him in the garden and told him to tend it. In this environment, Adam learned what it meant to be keeper of his domain. It was in this context that woman was created, given to him as a wife. Man was called her head.

Later, God describes the relationship as that of Christ to the church -- her Savior and Redeemer.

I heard a very wise man once say that anyone can tear down and destroy, but it takes a real man to build. If you examine the word husband, it is a derivative of the word husbandman. Just as a husbandman tends the plants, land and animals in his domain, creating an environment where they can flourish and bear fruit -- a husband tends to those in his domain, that they may flourish and become . . . more. More of what they could or should be given the things they need to GROW.

Do husbands have power? Do they have authority? Are they in charge?

Of course. They have the same power, authority and influence as the work worn farmer returning from the fields. His domain bears witness to his influence, the wisdom of his decisions and the power of his labor. In the examples of Scripture -- those heads which God favors -- they are those which are husbandmen. The story of the good steward tells of how God measures stewardship -- by the return. Go to the calloused-handed farmer and tell him about the glories of his headship over his land and he will laugh wryly at your pictures of absolute dictatorship. He knows what it takes to be a successful husbandman. And that is what it takes to be a husband that God honors.

Why is this important? Because the efforts that wives make to honor a man within his own home are offerings of grace, nothing less. He is her savior, her husbandman. She is his help meet, a daughter of the Most High. Those that fear God would do well to remember that our conduct reflects our true belief.

I've seen beautiful, vivacious, talented and gifted women ground beneath the heel of arrogant, selfish, demeaning attempts at manhood. A few decades of that treatment and they begin to wane in many ways -- especially the physical. If this kind of man were a dairyman, he would leave his stock to feed and milk themselves and then berate them for looking poorly. Anyone with sense would see the foolish dairyman for what he is, but we chide and berate wives that have endured the same treatment for the sake of Christ.

Instead, I suggest that we look to the example of a true help meet -- Abigail. Her husbandman was a churlish man. He did not look well to the ways of his domain. Those charged to his care had their very lives endangered by his careless habits. Abigail did not gloss over the truth of his actions. She accepted them for what they were and stood in the gap when lives were at stake. She saw that all they had been given was a charge from the Almighty, and she dared not squander that which had been placed within her hands to protect and tend. So, when Nabal would have let others die for the sake of his belligerence, his help meet, Abigail, took action that turned the tide. She did not add to the sin of his actions.

A true help meet, helps a man tend that which has been entrusted to him. She doesn't increase his error. She mitigates it so that eternal purposes are honored. She is not his judge. She is his helper. She tends and cares for his domain that there might be an increase in things physical, mental, emotional and physical.

Sometimes, the task of a help meet is to quietly believe the truth even when her husband has believed a lie. Some husbands will want wives that act as their conscience, their mother, their taskmasters, their managers, etc. There are far more men that would much prefer to leave off the responsibilities of husbandship. They chase after selfish means and motives to the hurt of those left in their charge. They shift about for someone to carry their load and take the blame.

We wives aren't to be at odds with them. Leave God to be the righteous judge. Rather we are to walk in the light of truth, not in religious customs, and trust that God will make provision as we honor Him and His design for the family. There may well be men that will never step into the role God has ordained, but our challenge as wives is to live in such a way that our husband COULD step into that role if he WOULD. Let's not be a stumbling block by adding to their excuses for rebellion.

And, for the record ladies, we ARE emotional creatures. If we did not need men to work to create an environment where we could flourish, God would not have ordained it so. Rather than beat each other up for feeling frustrated, upset, bewildered and even angry with the challenges we face following an imperfect husband, it's high time we encouraged each other along the way. It's time we took our emotions to God and acknowledged them rather than trying to pretend they don't exist by sedating ourselves with inappropriate relationships, food, careless spending, bitterness, etc.

Will we find that God's resources can meet our need? Will we trust that the supply will be there when it is most required? Or will we follow the temptation to surrender to the despair? Will we declare victory during the raging storm? Or will we sink into silent hopelessness? We may not choose the circumstance, but I do believe God is waiting to give us hope in those circumstances.

Go to God and tell Him the truth about what you are feeling and LISTEN to His response. Admit your part in it and work on yourself. Another cigarette, another drink, another piece of chocolate -- none of these help to do anything but to distract you from the real issue. You feel used, neglected, unloved. Tell Him and remember His words. You may not have a husbandman, but that isn't because God wouldn't love to give you one. . . . and He has made provision for those that are left as widows -- even widows within their own marriage.

I know even as I write these words that there are some 'suffering saints' that have made a career of religious martyrdom, criticizing their men and holding them up to ridicule. If you are one of those, you won't likely recognize this about yourself. All the more reason to pray with humility. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. Those things that we so casually condemn in others, He will not bear lightly in our own lives. If we could see it in others as an error, the obvious question is why we did not deal with it in our own.

So, if you are hurt or hurting, be sure that you are not increasing the damage done by the one to whom you've pledged yourself. Sometimes we have to honor the dishonorable so that he can see some things for himself. A husbandman learns what works best with his domain by seeing the results of his effort. Let him learn and allow the chafing of the process to do a good work in you also.

Do not believe the lie that you are less. Even if your man has believed this lie, you needn't trust it. Expect more from yourself and from him. Live each day as though THIS will be the day your efforts bear fruit in your home. . . one day you will be right.

Remember that monarchies were first devised by unbelieving and rebellious men. Pray for your husband if he determines to be the lord of his castle rather than God's husbandman. Pray that God will become his Lord and that his heart will be returned to that which pleases God and bears fruit in the home. Show him the daily ministry of undeserving grace.

With God's strength and aid, may our husbands all be true husbandmen. May they look back over the result of their labors, praising God for the increase.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Unexpectedly Blessed!

Well! After the last few posts, you may be thinking that life is just all rough, tough stuff. There's plenty of that for sure.

However, you should also know that just as it gets very dark, when you think your heart can't take another hurt, He knows just how to send you reminders that He knows, He hears and He cares. Look for them or you'll miss them.

Bitterness can rob you of them also. Bitterness has a way of warping your perspective and robbing you of gratitude so that you become so wrapped up in your own swirl of emotional turmoil, you can't enjoy the blessings that are waiting for you.

One of the things I like to do is to follow my heart when it comes to giving. It's the part of me that sees something and thinks it might be of use to someone, or recalls how much an item might have meant to me once. If I have a little to spare, I like to get those things and look for opportunities to share . . . because you KNOW others are out there struggling too!

I had done this very thing last week, before I knew the heartache this week would bring. I had spied some items and sent them on their way before I had a chance to procrastinate. All week I waited to hear the package had arrived. It did and with it came the welcome report that it had proved as useful as I'd hoped. Sure enough, my heart-friend (one of those 2-way relationships that is spread over too many miles and too few opportunities to talk/converse/communicate) let me know that the items were somehow just the very things she would have selected for herself.

How could I know?

I couldn't have! That's the beauty of it. God knew. He knew that she would be delighted, and He allowed me to have the means to send her that blessing. The same Lord that knew her heart knows mine. Just as He sent her that which delights her heart, He will delight to do the same for me in His time, in His way by His means.

Yes, my heart is still grieving. Yet, in this dark time, there is hope. God can still use me. ME -- a cracked, chipped, worn, old vessel -- the one that others can so easily misjudge and revile -- HE comes to break bread at MY table and I am humbled. I am honored.

I will rejoice. I will praise Him, because HE is the reason to hope.
All that man can do is all that man can do.

I am HIS. I am blessed. The darkness yields to His light!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Death Before Birth

As I write this, my heart is breaking. There aren't words to describe what I'm feeling. My first grandchild will never draw breath on this earth. Before this little one was born, there is death.

The circumstances that surrounded this news were bad -- even if the child had survived.

I feel so impotent. So much of this life has been an exercise in trying to be heard. To count. To matter.

As a child and young adult, I had two reoccurring nightmares. In one, I was a little girl at the wheel of a vehicle hurtling out of control. My feet couldn't reach the pedals to hit the brake. All I could do was steer, desperately trying to save my life and the life of those in the car. I would awake before the crash.

The other dream was always about some looming disaster. I had knowledge of it and was certain of its accuracy. However, in the dream as I try to get people to leave the burning building, move to higher ground, escape the bad guys, etc. no one will believe me. If secrecy is needed, the ones I am trying to get to safety stand and laugh and ask me loudly what it is I wanted them to know.

The second variety of dreams lasted longer into my adulthood.

I no longer have those dreams because I know that it is up to the others whether or not they listen . . . And I'm not in charge of the driving. However, as I sit here now I wonder if I had been able to capture the heart of my own child . . . if I had been better able to convey the truth . . . if . . . if . . . if. . . .

Would the rebellion that led to this day and the death of this grandchild never have occurred? I'm not driving the car. I didn't set it in motion, but I have to wonder if I might have better conveyed the urgency and influenced things to a more secure road.

The generation before me delight in badmouthing and gossip. The generation after me loves rebellion. The ones they listen to are brighter, more colorful -- They are younger, wiser, more cunning and devious. They lace their lies with enough truth to make their poison sweet and the bliss of their embrace clouds the reality of death.

This walk is not an easy one. This grief is rending my soul. Yet, I cannot deny the One Who died for me. May God have mercy. May this life not end before repentance and reconciliation. May there be a time when my children know Him as their Lord and Savior and may the generations to come reap a better part than that which I have known.

Oh please, let it be so . . .