Help Meet to a Husbandman

There is a lot of information in various circles of believers regarding how God organized the family structure. Much has been written using the words authority, headship, patriarchal, etc. My own life experience has proven that there are far more sick variations that twisted minds have devised than there are genuine, loving homes and marriages that seek to honor the Creator.

When God created man He placed him in the garden and told him to tend it. In this environment, Adam learned what it meant to be keeper of his domain. It was in this context that woman was created, given to him as a wife. Man was called her head.

Later, God describes the relationship as that of Christ to the church -- her Savior and Redeemer.

I heard a very wise man once say that anyone can tear down and destroy, but it takes a real man to build. If you examine the word husband, it is a derivative of the word husbandman. Just as a husbandman tends the plants, land and animals in his domain, creating an environment where they can flourish and bear fruit -- a husband tends to those in his domain, that they may flourish and become . . . more. More of what they could or should be given the things they need to GROW.

Do husbands have power? Do they have authority? Are they in charge?

Of course. They have the same power, authority and influence as the work worn farmer returning from the fields. His domain bears witness to his influence, the wisdom of his decisions and the power of his labor. In the examples of Scripture -- those heads which God favors -- they are those which are husbandmen. The story of the good steward tells of how God measures stewardship -- by the return. Go to the calloused-handed farmer and tell him about the glories of his headship over his land and he will laugh wryly at your pictures of absolute dictatorship. He knows what it takes to be a successful husbandman. And that is what it takes to be a husband that God honors.

Why is this important? Because the efforts that wives make to honor a man within his own home are offerings of grace, nothing less. He is her savior, her husbandman. She is his help meet, a daughter of the Most High. Those that fear God would do well to remember that our conduct reflects our true belief.

I've seen beautiful, vivacious, talented and gifted women ground beneath the heel of arrogant, selfish, demeaning attempts at manhood. A few decades of that treatment and they begin to wane in many ways -- especially the physical. If this kind of man were a dairyman, he would leave his stock to feed and milk themselves and then berate them for looking poorly. Anyone with sense would see the foolish dairyman for what he is, but we chide and berate wives that have endured the same treatment for the sake of Christ.

Instead, I suggest that we look to the example of a true help meet -- Abigail. Her husbandman was a churlish man. He did not look well to the ways of his domain. Those charged to his care had their very lives endangered by his careless habits. Abigail did not gloss over the truth of his actions. She accepted them for what they were and stood in the gap when lives were at stake. She saw that all they had been given was a charge from the Almighty, and she dared not squander that which had been placed within her hands to protect and tend. So, when Nabal would have let others die for the sake of his belligerence, his help meet, Abigail, took action that turned the tide. She did not add to the sin of his actions.

A true help meet, helps a man tend that which has been entrusted to him. She doesn't increase his error. She mitigates it so that eternal purposes are honored. She is not his judge. She is his helper. She tends and cares for his domain that there might be an increase in things physical, mental, emotional and physical.

Sometimes, the task of a help meet is to quietly believe the truth even when her husband has believed a lie. Some husbands will want wives that act as their conscience, their mother, their taskmasters, their managers, etc. There are far more men that would much prefer to leave off the responsibilities of husbandship. They chase after selfish means and motives to the hurt of those left in their charge. They shift about for someone to carry their load and take the blame.

We wives aren't to be at odds with them. Leave God to be the righteous judge. Rather we are to walk in the light of truth, not in religious customs, and trust that God will make provision as we honor Him and His design for the family. There may well be men that will never step into the role God has ordained, but our challenge as wives is to live in such a way that our husband COULD step into that role if he WOULD. Let's not be a stumbling block by adding to their excuses for rebellion.

And, for the record ladies, we ARE emotional creatures. If we did not need men to work to create an environment where we could flourish, God would not have ordained it so. Rather than beat each other up for feeling frustrated, upset, bewildered and even angry with the challenges we face following an imperfect husband, it's high time we encouraged each other along the way. It's time we took our emotions to God and acknowledged them rather than trying to pretend they don't exist by sedating ourselves with inappropriate relationships, food, careless spending, bitterness, etc.

Will we find that God's resources can meet our need? Will we trust that the supply will be there when it is most required? Or will we follow the temptation to surrender to the despair? Will we declare victory during the raging storm? Or will we sink into silent hopelessness? We may not choose the circumstance, but I do believe God is waiting to give us hope in those circumstances.

Go to God and tell Him the truth about what you are feeling and LISTEN to His response. Admit your part in it and work on yourself. Another cigarette, another drink, another piece of chocolate -- none of these help to do anything but to distract you from the real issue. You feel used, neglected, unloved. Tell Him and remember His words. You may not have a husbandman, but that isn't because God wouldn't love to give you one. . . . and He has made provision for those that are left as widows -- even widows within their own marriage.

I know even as I write these words that there are some 'suffering saints' that have made a career of religious martyrdom, criticizing their men and holding them up to ridicule. If you are one of those, you won't likely recognize this about yourself. All the more reason to pray with humility. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. Those things that we so casually condemn in others, He will not bear lightly in our own lives. If we could see it in others as an error, the obvious question is why we did not deal with it in our own.

So, if you are hurt or hurting, be sure that you are not increasing the damage done by the one to whom you've pledged yourself. Sometimes we have to honor the dishonorable so that he can see some things for himself. A husbandman learns what works best with his domain by seeing the results of his effort. Let him learn and allow the chafing of the process to do a good work in you also.

Do not believe the lie that you are less. Even if your man has believed this lie, you needn't trust it. Expect more from yourself and from him. Live each day as though THIS will be the day your efforts bear fruit in your home. . . one day you will be right.

Remember that monarchies were first devised by unbelieving and rebellious men. Pray for your husband if he determines to be the lord of his castle rather than God's husbandman. Pray that God will become his Lord and that his heart will be returned to that which pleases God and bears fruit in the home. Show him the daily ministry of undeserving grace.

With God's strength and aid, may our husbands all be true husbandmen. May they look back over the result of their labors, praising God for the increase.

Unexpectedly Blessed!

Well! After the last few posts, you may be thinking that life is just all rough, tough stuff. There's plenty of that for sure.

However, you should also know that just as it gets very dark, when you think your heart can't take another hurt, He knows just how to send you reminders that He knows, He hears and He cares. Look for them or you'll miss them.

Bitterness can rob you of them also. Bitterness has a way of warping your perspective and robbing you of gratitude so that you become so wrapped up in your own swirl of emotional turmoil, you can't enjoy the blessings that are waiting for you.

One of the things I like to do is to follow my heart when it comes to giving. It's the part of me that sees something and thinks it might be of use to someone, or recalls how much an item might have meant to me once. If I have a little to spare, I like to get those things and look for opportunities to share . . . because you KNOW others are out there struggling too!

I had done this very thing last week, before I knew the heartache this week would bring. I had spied some items and sent them on their way before I had a chance to procrastinate. All week I waited to hear the package had arrived. It did and with it came the welcome report that it had proved as useful as I'd hoped. Sure enough, my heart-friend (one of those 2-way relationships that is spread over too many miles and too few opportunities to talk/converse/communicate) let me know that the items were somehow just the very things she would have selected for herself.

How could I know?

I couldn't have! That's the beauty of it. God knew. He knew that she would be delighted, and He allowed me to have the means to send her that blessing. The same Lord that knew her heart knows mine. Just as He sent her that which delights her heart, He will delight to do the same for me in His time, in His way by His means.

Yes, my heart is still grieving. Yet, in this dark time, there is hope. God can still use me. ME -- a cracked, chipped, worn, old vessel -- the one that others can so easily misjudge and revile -- HE comes to break bread at MY table and I am humbled. I am honored.

I will rejoice. I will praise Him, because HE is the reason to hope.
All that man can do is all that man can do.

I am HIS. I am blessed. The darkness yields to His light!

Death Before Birth

As I write this, my heart is breaking. There aren't words to describe what I'm feeling. My first grandchild will never draw breath on this earth. Before this little one was born, there is death.

The circumstances that surrounded this news were bad -- even if the child had survived.

I feel so impotent. So much of this life has been an exercise in trying to be heard. To count. To matter.

As a child and young adult, I had two reoccurring nightmares. In one, I was a little girl at the wheel of a vehicle hurtling out of control. My feet couldn't reach the pedals to hit the brake. All I could do was steer, desperately trying to save my life and the life of those in the car. I would awake before the crash.

The other dream was always about some looming disaster. I had knowledge of it and was certain of its accuracy. However, in the dream as I try to get people to leave the burning building, move to higher ground, escape the bad guys, etc. no one will believe me. If secrecy is needed, the ones I am trying to get to safety stand and laugh and ask me loudly what it is I wanted them to know.

The second variety of dreams lasted longer into my adulthood.

I no longer have those dreams because I know that it is up to the others whether or not they listen . . . And I'm not in charge of the driving. However, as I sit here now I wonder if I had been able to capture the heart of my own child . . . if I had been better able to convey the truth . . . if . . . if . . . if. . . .

Would the rebellion that led to this day and the death of this grandchild never have occurred? I'm not driving the car. I didn't set it in motion, but I have to wonder if I might have better conveyed the urgency and influenced things to a more secure road.

The generation before me delight in badmouthing and gossip. The generation after me loves rebellion. The ones they listen to are brighter, more colorful -- They are younger, wiser, more cunning and devious. They lace their lies with enough truth to make their poison sweet and the bliss of their embrace clouds the reality of death.

This walk is not an easy one. This grief is rending my soul. Yet, I cannot deny the One Who died for me. May God have mercy. May this life not end before repentance and reconciliation. May there be a time when my children know Him as their Lord and Savior and may the generations to come reap a better part than that which I have known.

Oh please, let it be so . . .

Loneliness

I should follow-up my last post with one on the loneliness that is often present in this life. When you find yourself surrounded by those who are so consumed with themselves that they also consume you, it can be heartbreaking.

I'm not talking about the sadness that comes with the disappointment when you realize you thought someone cared more than they actually did. I'm referring to the realization that there may be only 1 or 2 persons (if that) who care for your heart. I'm referring to human persons here and not to the Almighty.

This can be sad because humans are frail beings and prone to die on occasion. As we age, those few persons that cared for our heart can leave this life. Additionally, circumstances change. We relocate or are called away to reside at great distances from those who are dear to us. These things and other things can bring about circumstances that find us bereft of any immediate contact with heart friends.

It's a sad thing to find ourselves as the window dressing of someone else's life. We provide a framework for their adventures and respond to their requirements, but there is none to care for us. Forget the silly simpering pitty partiers. That's just a waste of good breath and precious time.

But . . . do NOT forget that you are God's precious creation. You ARE here for HIS divine purpose. You are valuable to HIM, though no one else has taken the time to know your favorite color, song, or activities. Do not place value upon yourself based upon the ability of those around you to recognize that value. Rather, look to the One who made you and died for you. Unworthy though you are, you mattered enough for Him to woo you and draw you unto Himself.

So, it's okay to be sad for the loss and long for someone that wants to know your thoughts, preferences and perception.

Different Kinds of Friends

Friendships are a complicated enterprise. As a young girl/woman, I was of the opinion that people fell into two basic categories: friends and not friends. Looking back, I now realize that it's not so limited. Relationships are more like spheres that vary in size. They range from tight to loose. We needn't necessarily end or cut off friendships if we recognize this fact. I think it is when we fail to understand the spherical nature of friendships, that we find ourselves needing to cut people out of our lives -- because we don't know how to recognize the lines of influence.

Some friendships are very influential. We like what this person likes because this is a very important relationship. This is a very tight sphere of influence and it has a direct influence on our day-to-day outlook. Other friendships are very wide and broad. This may be someone that we met only once and occasionally call or write. We like this person, but we don't get the opportunity to socialize often. Then there are those medium-sized spheres of friendships that we might meet or see more often, possibly at work or at community gatherings. Each of these people have varying influence upon our decisions and choices.

Within the spheres of friendships, there are also varying levels of permeability. This means that some relationships are more one-way. Doctors are an example of this. They know some of the most intimate details about their patients while remaining relative strangers to the patient. There are some people in our lives that we are there to serve. Others are there for us. It is the rare relationship that is both in a close sphere AND quite permeable, allowing us to bear each others burdens. The relationships which allow us to encourage the other person with the expectation that this individual will gladly reciprocate when we are in need is seldom found and should be cherished.

Marriage was designed to be one of these types of small spherical, permeable friendships, exclusive of others. Yet, unless you find yourself married to someone with this same ideal, it is a fruitless endeavor in frustration to demand or expect it. There are many men that are raised with the idea that allowing emotional intimacy with a woman is equal to being a mama's boy or showing weakness. In the moments when he is vulnerable, he is more likely to become angry that a woman was witness to it and withdraw further.

So, what are you to do? You find yourself at a point in life when your dearest girlfriend or possibly your spouse has demonstrated to you that the relationship is for his or her benefit only. They enjoy the benefits of your favor without wishing to be concerned with your welfare. As a young woman, I would have told you to stop wasting your time with these self-centered people and to just walk away. However, time has taught me that there is another alternative.

Recognize that each relationship has its limitations. What does that look like?

I have a dear friend that calls me frequently with requests for advice, offering me details of her life. She knows a lot of factual information about my life, but not very much about me as a person. At least, not nearly so much as I know of hers after years of listening. This relationship is limited by her inability to extend concern for my interests except where they overlap her own. She expects that I will help her regain a perspective on her struggles and we share humor. However, I've learned to not expect her to reach beyond that on my behalf. If urgent matters occur in my life, she cannot view them in any way but through the lens of her own life. Since she knows little of my heart, her assumption is always that my motives mirror her own. Better said, if she were to send you a text or email which didn't get an immediate response, her assumption would be that you were ignoring her, rather than that you were busy. This is a one-way relationship. As long as I recognize this, we get along splendidly because I don't get hurt by unmet expectations.

This is the same in my relationship to my mother. She likes me well enough, but never has much to discuss other than to ask me a few details of my life. After the preliminaries, she launches into details about people I've never met, or seldom see. She tells me long accounts of conversations that don't concern or interest me and includes her pronouncements and declarations of wisdom on subjects that are all foreign to me. I smile and nod and ask few questions. That's all she really needs. Someone to listen. It doesn't occur to her to ask about how events are impacting me, my heart, or my feelings. Again, it's a one-way relationship.

It can work much the same way in marriage. It's the hurt of failed expectations that often kill a marriage. Let the spouse tell you by his actions what you can expect from the relationship. This will often save you from the emotions that make it impossible to continue living with someone that causes such pain when your expectations go unmet.

But, these are all lessons that come with experience. How can they benefit the young? I wish I had known this as a young person because I would have had a better perspective on who or what should be trusted with my heart. You don't trust someone with your heart when the relationship is one-way. You allow those in the one-way friendships to speak, express, bluster, blow, whatever and you just listen.

You don't go out and get a different hair-do, outfit, or make a major purchase based solely upon their counsel because you realize that their advice is offered in the context of a one-way relationship. Their concern is not for your welfare; it is that your agreement makes them feel better about their own choices. This type of person might get upset that you didn't get the color she recommended, but it will be short-lived. They will need a listening ear again soon and you will be back into favor.

This is also not the person that gets the largest voice in matters that concern your physical safety, welfare or your future. The one-way friendship is limited in its scope and can only offer opinions that benefit the one-way friend. There is no self-sacrifice for the benefit of another. When life is painful, when the storm is blowing, when things seem most precarious -- you may have to seek the advice of someone with whom you are less familiar.

The best advice may sometimes come to you from those who are in those wide spheres of friendship. They seem more distant, but that may only be because they are less demanding and less self-centered. However, if you take the time to look, you may find that these are the kind people who give without expectation of receiving in return. Their council is considered and thoughtful and given with an eye to the future. They do not give their advice lightly, nor are they belligerent or forceful. They may be firm, but they aren't bullies. They give freely and do not demand. These are the ones better trusted with your heart -- with the puzzles of your life.

You needn't cut off the ones that are one-way. Just recognize them and do not place demands on those relationships that they weren't designed to bear. See selfish designs for what they are and guard your heart. Flatterers are plentiful, but they are a snare to the soul.

Watch the inconsistencies and mark them. Do you enjoy listening to her talk of others? Guess who she speaks of when you are not there. Do you sympathize with the suffering victim that endures injustices from his parents? Guess who he will rebel against when you are his wife. Do you have a soft and sympathetic heart because you've known hurt yourself? Then watch and be sure that those you help are truly in need and not just those that recognize this trait in you and use it to their own advantage.

An easy and simple way to do this is to love God's truth and His word. Measure others by it, and you'll see the inconsistencies. You'll be able to trust this objective measure to your own benefit. And this will allow you to let others be what they are: one-way, permeable, wide, medium or tight.

Demanding While Undeserving

It's easier to demand what you don't have

than it is to accept you are undeserving
of the blessings lavished upon you.

There are many things I don't have that I would like to demand.
I want to demand things on behalf of my children.
I don't have enough room to list the assorted demands
I'd like to place upon my spouse. *blush*

Hey, I'm even smart enough to know that I shouldn't make selfish demands. While others might demand leisure, ease and prosperity, I would go for things I see as needs -- items which are good by anyone's measure. I might even demand we all give peace a chance.

The thing is, while I'm making those demands and seeing them go unmet, I'm robbing myself of something precious. I'm like the little child that walks past all of the toys in my room and proclaims I haven't anything to play with, or the growing boy that stares at a kitchen full of food and states that there isn't anything to eat, or the teenaged girl with a closet full of clothes that declares she hasn't anything to wear.

As a young woman, I would hear all of the things that I should have without asking or demanding and I would become angry. Focused on these unmet needs/rights/necessities/etc. I would demand them from the people/places/things that had already neglected these things. Predictably, I would be disappointed. While I was busy demanding and running off to fix things with my own talents/abilities/strength, I had forgotten to do an inventory of the things I already had.

I was so busy jousting at windmills that weren't interested in my crusade that I was not willing to admit I had been blessed, and greatly so. In fact, I had received an abundance that I could not have secured on my own behalf or known to ask for if given the opportunity. There were those who crossed my path that I could have blessed with my abundance. But I took the coward's way.

It is easier to make angry demands, to fearfully clutch at that which is just beyond our grasp. We are afraid that if we don't do this, we won't get the biggest slice, the choice selection, the best place in line. To be content is to run the risk that we will be overlooked . . . by whom? It is so much more difficult to hold ourselves accountable for our blessings -- to realize that Someone hasn't overlooked what is most important and that someone else would be grateful to share them.

Am I lonely? Someone out there needs a friend. Find them.
Am I bored? I have talents that need to be put to use.
Are my days empty? Someone is overwhelmed and needs a hand.
Has my world come crashing down? Give the person next to you a hand.
They're hurting too and in need of a little hope.
Am I weak? It's time to discover a different kind of strength.
If I'm weeping, I should share the tissues.

The difference between demands and gratitude can make ALL the difference.
Rather than picking through the rubble of our lives and trying to make sense of it all, it's time to check on our neighbor and help them get to higher ground. Just as we received what we needed today, we will receive what we need tomorrow from the same wise One that took care of us yesterday. Wherever we are, in the midst of pain or grief, we have still been blessed. Grieve, mourn and do an inventory.

A wise person once told me not to let the holidays just happen to me. I was to be alone that year. The lonely holidays would be a reminder of all that had gone terribly wrong leading up to that point. There wasn't money to make a special meal, send cards or buy the trappings that accompany the celebration. Days stretched before me in which I could easily have drowned in despair as I reflected on it all. Instead, I found a place to volunteer to serve meals. All day, I offered smiles and helped people find seats. I offered them the things that I knew I needed.

Then, one woman changed my perspective. She was there with her three small children all under the age of 5 or so. I helped her juggle plates and little hands and got them all settled. She looked at me and told me how that her husband had left her alone with the children and she had just been diagnosed with cancer. All day, I had been thinking that these people were more fortunate than me. At that point, I grew up a little and realized that I wasn't the only person struggling, that my difficulties weren't even the worst in the world. I realized that I didn't have a patent on suffering. Bad things happen. People hurt. We can ease one another's burden with what little we have: time, a smile, a touch, a look, a word.

Hold your blessings with an open hand. You can see them better that way -- and you can more easily share them.

Die On What Hill?

From my earliest memories, I can recall having a strong sense of right and wrong. I was a child and a young adult that could become so focused on the details that the big picture would fade into irrelevance. When I perceived that something just wasn't right, I was like a dog with a bone -- gnawing at the thing until it could no longer be ignored.

Once during a drawing class, I lost my corrective lenses. These couldn't be replaced immediately as I was an impoverished student at the time. The result was that I was left trying to render images of a model I could barely see. To my chagrin, the teacher was thrilled with the result. Because I could no longer see the details of the features, I was forced to focus on the stance of the model, the play of the light and the general 'feel' of the form before me. Before, my renderings had been tight and controlled. Now, they were loose, intuitive and calligraphic. I was forced to reflect upon the image as a whole. My nearsightedness meant that I had to look at the big picture, because I could no longer gnaw on the little details.

Why is that important tonight?

It's important because I find that I care for good people that get hurt. These aren't self-destructive dolts that go out and enjoy their 15 minutes of fame by chasing headlines. Rather, these are good people that do good things for good reasons and are falsely accused. The indignity of it -- the wrongness of it -- makes me want to stand up and proclaim THIS IS NOT RIGHT!

These are the individuals that reach out to the least of these. They are not afraid to offer hope to the hopeless or defend the defenseless. The very ugliness they stand against, they are accused of promoting.

I am tempted to wrestle with the false accusers. I want to refute them line for line, and I could . . . but then I remember that art class. I ask myself, what is my focus?

And the reality is that sometimes it's just fun to beat them at their own game. It's satisfying to watch the bad guys fall, to jump in the fray and hand it back to them enjoying the momentary victory.

What IS the focus then?

The people I most admire and respect are not great individuals in their own merit. Rather they are great because of the One they serve. I so admire and respect them because I know that they do what they do because they want to redeem the time, to reach just one more person, to make an eternal difference for just one more family. They are less concerned with what anyone thinks of them than they are with what others think of their message -- their message of hope.

When I look at the big picture, the details fade from view. I realize they are right. It's not so important that they have the respect of strangers. What's important is that they have a platform from which they can share their story of hope. . . Not that I can refute all of the lies, but that I can share the truth.

My friends are consumed with the mission of reaching a lost and dying world for Christ and being allowed to share the truth.

Once upon a time, I would have been shouting from a mountaintop about how this is NOT right. I would have been telling anyone who would listen how these people are good people and demonstrating that the negative stuff is taken out of context, or outright lies.

That was then, though. With time, you learn that all details aren't worth quibbling over. That some hills aren't worth the loss of life to take. . . . And that the message is more important than the assorted messengers.

This is one I wish I'd have learned sooner rather than later.

A Beginning

There certainly is a lot for us to discuss, isn't there? So much is happening to you. So much is going to happen to you. . . . and the events of life are bearing down on you whether or not you are ready for them.

Breathtaking twists and turns await. Things you can't anticipate, things you'd never knowingly choose, but that's just how life comes to us. My hope is that you'll not lose the wonder even when you are tempted to give up -- that you will be reminded that life's greatest gifts often come in packages that break our hearts.

Life is a series of lessons after all. Here is where I recall those lessons. I know I cannot tell these things to my younger self. (OH! How I wish I could!) I already know how the story turns out for me. But maybe there is another younger self out there somewhere who needs to know that there is life on the other side, that there are red flags you can recognize and that some things just don't matter in the grand scheme of things -- even if it seems like life is coming to a screeching halt and all your dreams will never come true.

May your journey be enriched. May you reach greater heights and experience joys I can only imagine.