Immodest Minds

I grew up in a home that required the females to wear skirts and dresses. Because there was no money for new clothes, this meant that we were limited to hand me downs. Sewing wasn't a past time that was taught and no materials were provided for alterations.

I attended a public schools. My experiences involved answering questions posed by curious teachers and classmates that viewed my clothes as an odd choice for the casual school day. Physical education teachers received written accusatory explanations from my father on why I wouldn't be allowed to wear shorts or other appropriate clothing for gym. Instead, I wore thick sweat pants on even the hottest days.

You would think that this glaring difference in dress would have been a neon sign flashing that I was not available for lurid advances. It didn't. Placing me within a community of people that had different standards only meant that I was daily ridiculed for clothing choices I didn't make and for my parents' condemning attitude. This isolated me so that the only ones which approached me with kindness were those who pitied me or who were trying to manipulate me.

Men and boys that had been aroused by images and glimpses of girls' privates on display through revealing clothing were on the prowl for someone to fulfill their compulsive fantasies. They were looking for someone that no one liked, that likely wouldn't tell, that no one would believe if she told. They wanted something they thought was 'unused.' Like a predator picking out the straggler, the young, the weakest, the unprotected -- they found me.

Whether it was the perverted neighbor who wanted to see if he could look in my window, the old man that wanted to give me my first French kiss, or the boy that wanted to see how far he could go, I found myself fending off these advances at home, family gatherings, church and school.

I still believe in modesty. However, here's where I think many people fail in their efforts:

1) MODESTY ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE OUTSIDE -- Modesty isn't just about how you dress, but how you present yourself. You can be fashionable AND attractive AND modest. For a female, feeling good about what you wear gives you a confidence that predators avoid. They would never try the stuff they do with a confident girl. Her clothing shows that she is cared for and cares for herself. Someone is watching out for her.

2) MODESTY DOESN'T HAVE A UNIFORM -- If you adopt a standard that is completely foreign to your culture, rather than a modest form of dress that is accepted in your culture, then you attract attention for all the wrong reasons. You make yourself stand out as odd because of your strange dress rather than because of your devotion to your faith. This is decidedly immodest.

3) RUN IN CIRCLES THAT RESPECT YOUR STANDARDS -- Even if it's a small circle, it is important to have a support group for your children that includes kids their same gender and age which are sharing the same challenges. If attending a school, find one with a dress code that mirrors your own. Tossing a child into a hostile arena to defend herself on a daily basis without support is just wrong. Few adults would subject themselves to the same abuse AND if they did, they would be sure to have strong support at home. The bottom line is that if it is important enough for you to set as a standard, it's important enough for you to go to the trouble of protecting your family. Put your money where your faith is and take the time to provide a support system for the ones you are supposed to protect.

4) DON'T THINK THAT DRESSES PROTECT FEMALES FROM PERVERTS -- Too many "men" blame the female form for their own slimy thought life. Such a male sees every glimpse of a woman's body as an invitation to 'go there' in his own mind. This twisted thinking produces a man that is convinced he's not capable of controlling himself (he would if a police officer showed up). He excuses his behavior by telling himself that the females were 'asking for it.' In this society, men need to be taught how to avoid and deal with temptation like MEN -- Honorable MEN. Prepare your daughter to deal with the reality that a lot of supposedly god-fearing men are mentally masturbating throughout the day with any image presented to them. All it takes is a moment alone with a female that has a poor self image. A man with such garbage filling his mind will see a dress as an open invitation to get his hands and anything else roaming. He will tell your modestly dressed daughter it is her fault for being too alluring.

5) KNOW WHY YOU DRESS MODESTLY -- You are trying to help good men avoid temptation and keep some things only for your husband's eyes. You aren't there to demonstrate to others the error of their way or elevate yourself in their presence. If your head is in the right place, you shouldn't be checking to see if others noticed how 'godly' you appeared or compare yourself to others. If you've gained the spotlight by your appearance, you've drawn it away from the One you claim to serve. If you are using modest dress to get attention, then you are using modest garments for immodest purposes.

6) DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A PLEASANT EXPRESSION -- One of the arguments for modest dress is that the eye be drawn to the face rather than the figure. Wearing a smile rather than a scowl is one way to accomplish this. The nicest fashions can easily be seen as dowdy and unattractive if the wearer appears perpetually unhappy. Let your joy show!

7) WEAR CLOTHING APPROPRIATE FOR THE ACTIVITY -- You can be feminine and modest while participating in athletics, outdoor activities, formal occasions and many others. However, you would NOT wear the same outfit to each of those. Have clothing that is suitable for the purpose. You wouldn't wear the same clothing to do the gardening as you would to attend a wedding or graduation. Inappropriate dress is also immodest because it only serves to draw attention to the wearer.

8) TEACH YOUR BOYS TO BEHAVE AS GENTLEMEN -- This includes their thought life. If you exist in this world at this time, your sons will be bombarded with inappropriate images. Everywhere they go they will meet women who have no idea how men struggle to avoid looking at the body parts being accentuating with poor clothing choices. You have the opportunity to teach them how to win the battle to treat every human being with dignity and respect rather than as an opportunity to use them (or the sight of them) as a tool for their own pleasure. I think too many people focus on how women should or shouldn't present themselves while neglecting to teach their boys how to deal with real temptation. In my day, good manners meant treating others with dignity -- no matter their station, race or clothing choices. A man that treats woman like a lady -- even if she doesn't present herself like one -- is a wonderful example of devotion to one's faith.

I nearly cheered when I saw this video from India

These are just a few things I wish I had been taught as a child and known as a young adult. Instead, I spent a long time wearing the wrong things for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in an effort to meet some imposed standard of modesty. I would have done better to focus on serving my Savior with my choices and enjoying the freedom that comes with that focus.

Losing to Win

No matter how competitive they are, there's no way to win at a husband's expense without causing yourself to lose.

I know. I know. Many husbands are so competitive that they are forever posturing and looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their 'superiority' over their wives. It's a very wise woman that can know this is a lie and yet allow her husband to posture for this imaginary position. I'm talking practicality here -- a calculated acquiescence. In legal terms, acquiescence means to knowingly stand by without raising any objection to the infringement of your rights.

The trick is to do this without bitterness. Understand that a man that has had to compete and find his place in this world doesn't always know how to turn that off when he gets home. There are assorted ways to discourage this behavior, but taking offense and pointing out his flawed approach/reasoning will only drive a wedge between you. This results in him not only feeling like less of a man (because a woman bested him), but now he is defensive over his approach (which has worked in sports, the workplace, school, and everywhere else).

Think for a minute about the women that men find naturally attractive. At critical points and moments, they express a weakness or need that the male can meet. A woman that knows a man well will eventually learn his weaknesses. There will be times when a wife will find herself and her husband at a point of need that is also his weakness. You can either emphasize that weakness by challenging him and besting him, or you can mitigate the potential damage by diffusing the situation.

If you insist on demonstrating your superiority, you will emasculate him, make him feel foolish and do damage to the marital relationship. Here is the point where you ask yourself which is more important: your marriage or making sure your husband knows how great you are.

If you've got a good man and you're a smart cookie, you'll choose the marriage.

There are also times when being determined to prove you are right will cost you even more. I recently read of a woman that is married to a man that thinks his job is to smooth her feathers at every turn rather than address the issue. This means that when one of their children is ill, if she goes to him for advice or guidance, he will only try to reassure her that the child is not really sick. In one instance he even chided her for taking a child to the emergency room late at night. The child was experiencing a dangerous loss of blood.

Knowing this about her husband means that this wife -- while she loves and respects her husband -- does not involve him when it comes to taking care of the children's medical emergencies. She's on her own in this regard. She accepts this and proceeds as is required.

Would it be nice to have a husband that addresses the issues at hand rather than always protecting his emotional tender spots? Yes, but realize that this is the way they are made. They have a visceral need to feel 'manly' and 'superior.' If you take that away from them, you lose EVERY TIME.

Admittedly, some men do such a good job of demonstrating their lack of admirable traits that a wife's mere presence is enough to threaten them. A kind and good wife will stand in stark contrast to a bombastic, impatient brute. Seeing her be patient when he knows he deserves to be screamed at is enough to drive some men over the edge, but that isn't the wife's fault. A man at war with his own conscience will simply take it out on whoever is available. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about the wife that tries to get her husband to see the 'error' of his ways by showing him how wrong he is. You might prove him wrong, but you'll also give up sex, romance, companionship, friendship and a lot of other perks that come with a good marriage. By pointing out the obvious, you'll become the enemy and no longer his ally.

Are there some men that crave their wives honest opinions? Do some husbands want open conversation and a real challenge to talents and abilities? Yes, but even these need to know they can hold their own. When you have the option of allowing him to win convincingly, do so. You will benefit.

What does this mean in practical terms? In practical terms, you'll need to regularly evaluate his limitations. Does he lack self control in an area? Don't tempt him where you know he will fall. This means you don't even ask about whether or not to put filters on your internet connection when you KNOW he might be tempted by certain sites. You don't ask him about splurging on something when you know he can't handle money. Hire someone to do the things you know he consistently can't or won't do. THEN compliment him on how well he has provided. Just because you had to find a round about way to get it done doesn't mean he can't get the praise he craves. It will also be easier for you to be generous in your praise when you've had things taken care of rather than setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather than stewing over how/whether/if/when he could/should change, you can focus on his attributes.

And that's what makes every marriage work, really. We can sit around and pick each other apart with criticisms, or we can be grateful for the merits of our spouse. Life's too short to spend it hoping the person you love will come to his senses and see things your way. If he did, he'd be a woman. Let it go. You aren't his mother. Enjoy being his wife.

Moving Forward in When Others Want to Pull You Down

Lots of families have malicious gossipers. If one of these persons disagrees with you, you won't be asked to clarify or support your opinion. Instead the incident will be recounted in an altered version of the conversation where you are made to appear intolerant, accusatory, arrogant or display some other ugly trait.

I recall adults in my childhood who would attack me verbally and otherwise, imagining that they were supporting my parents who were saddled with such an awful child. The truth was that they had believed efforts to malign my character. People ask me why I never told an adult what was happening in my home when I was growing up, and I laugh at the implication that any adult would have believed me. My parents had convinced them that I was not to be trusted.

Today, most people that know my parents understand that they are the way they are and take their comments with a grain of salt. A younger family member is also this way and is better at masking her hostility and deception, and this can cause some difficulty.

If you meet her, it won't take long before this woman displays this trait. At the first sign of sympathy, she will begin to detail the many faults and crimes of her husband. Being human, he has his fair share. She tells all from the perspective of a person who is completely innocent of any contribution to her difficulties. Her mother (by her account) was horrible to her and has never properly apologized for the trauma caused by expecting her daughter to do household chores. She elevates her position as a wife, mother, sister, etc. by giving examples of the many failures around her. Her critical eye doesn't miss much and with time, she can easily give the worst motives to the most genuine comment or action.

I wasn't surprised when I heard she had wagged her tongue about me. She had sought me out for my opinion on a matter I've researched. I provided her with the information I had, reassured her that I thought she was doing her best under the circumstance and suggested that she try one of several options.

I left it at that.

However, that conversation has been retold in this way: She did not ask my opinion. I simply walked up to her and pronounced my judgment, impugning abilities and motives in an accusatory way.

Now, I know that this woman has problems. I know that she has falsely represented her parents, her husband, my parents and anyone else that ever suggested that there might be another approach to her decision making process. I've listened to her embellish the mistakes of others until they appeared criminal. I also know that when she asks me for advice, it is more often a craftily laid trap to give her ammunition. I know these things, and I still care about her and her children. And it still hurts to know that she takes the time to gossip and paint me as a monster.

I do feel a little better to know that no one that knows me believes her. I'm glad they would let me know.

How do you move forward when this happens in your family?

Well, I haven't the time or the energy to bother correcting a misbehaving adult. I've offered her my time and attention whenever she requested it and given many opportunities for her to leave her bad habits behind until I have finally decided to decline opportunities to visit. Thankfully, she lives too far away to visit often. I regret not having a closer relationship with her family, but I can't expend time and emotion trying to work around the drama related to all of that at the expense of my own family. Mostly, I'm just thankful for the miles that separate us. If she were physically closer, it would be more difficult.

I love her. I love her family. I love their children. Moving forward in this instance means not making myself or my family an easy target. Family doesn't always mean friendly. Those that should love and support you often don't. So, I'll be even more guarded. I'll not offer any advice, even when asked. I'll be cool, demure, nod and smile with one eye on the nearest exit when I'm in her presence.

Life's just too short to spend it building bridges others are trying to rip apart.

So whether you are struggling to leave behind the ones that refuse to join you on the journey, or wondering if it's worth it to lay aside the hurts and grievances, I invite you to join me. Set aside the things that humans fight and posture over. We have something better to move towards. Let's move forward!

Sweep Around Your Own Front Door -- Adult Siblings

Relating to siblings as adults is not a simple matter. Some people embrace adulthood. Others avoid it by rehashing their childhoods again and again in an effort to extract apologies from everyone that they think wronged them.

While you can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family. This means you will spend a lifetime being related to people that may or may not ever get over themselves. Add to this the fact that these individuals marry others that have struggles of their own.

This is (overall) not a problem for me. However, as I've aged, tolerating perpetual victims has become more of a challenge. When you've endured loss and come out the other side, you just want to celebrate and be grateful to be alive. Additionally, if you have grown to the point that you make an effort to focus on the blessings in your lives, it's difficult to be around those that like to take inventory of the disappointments.

In my family's dynamic, I am often left trying to perform a balancing act. My parents are racist and malicious gossips. They offer opinions and directions to adults as though they are given to a toddler. They regularly disrespect others and disrupt gatherings with their bickering. My job is to honor them, not to approve of them.

Younger siblings have found that it is easier to love parents from afar and have moved their families to other states and counties. However, some siblings went to the effort of packing up and taking their angst to their new addresses. This means that if they ever visit my parents, they come with unresolved histories and the expectation that their absence has somehow humbled these people. These are the same parents that have spent a lifetime defending their indefensible actions.

Add to this the fact that there seems to be some expectation placed upon older siblings to act as a go-between. I regularly disappoint others in this area. I don't carry tales or take sides. It also doesn't help that I choose to treat adults as adults. I'm have sympathy for childhood struggles. I agree that children should be loved, provided for and protected. I am not, however, the righter of all wrongs. I will not be beating up my parents emotionally or otherwise to make someone else feel better.

It's regrettable that families have financial struggles. However, I refuse to use my resources to help family members whose children enjoy luxuries denied to my own because we live within our means (or try to). We don't take expensive trips. It's each family's prerogative to spend their days and resources traveling to various activities. It's my prerogative to not empty my pantry in order to support another's lifestyle choices.

The fact that I'm not taking sides, not attacking my parents, and not shelling out hard earned money to fend of self-made crisis means that I am often not very popular among some siblings. Apparently, they have looked at me, my time and my resources as items owed them from a substitute parent. It's easier to take out their frustrations on me. . . . And I'll admit that I'm not very cooperative.

The road goes both directions. I've traveled for gatherings, made calls, opened my home, etc. The doors are still open at my house, but I no longer beg and plead for others to take the time. I finally got smart and realized that if I wore myself out to get them to spend time with me, I hadn't won a very good prize when all I got for the trouble was an afternoon of listening to complaints or witnessing disrespectful behavior towards old people.

Relationships shouldn't be the equivalent of picking at an infected wound. We need to learn how to apply some salve and let things heal. There might be a scar, but that's life. Why throw away our future and all of our todays playing the victim? My only conclusion is that it just hasn't gotten painful enough for some people. They haven't reached the bottom; it hasn't gotten bad enough for them to turn around and start living.

The message here is:
For parents -- If you want to have a relationship with adult children, respect them as adults and use your manners.
For siblings -- Get over yourself. You aren't the only person with a painful childhood. Did someone molest, abuse, neglect, hurt your feelings? Here's a news flash, the children you grew up with all experienced the same things, but they aren't waiting on you to fix their screw ups and they aren't blaming their problems on you. If you're mad at mom & dad, don't expect big sis or brother to be mad too. It's time to grow up.
For SIL's --
A. Your husband isn't a mess because he had siblings that didn't know how to parent him. If he's lied to you about other things, he's probably lying about his childhood. He isn't a pitiful victim, but he will play that card as long as you let him.
B. Just because we aren't willing to help you emasculate your husband doesn't mean we think he's right. We aren't the enemy.
C. We would love to be your friend, but we aren't going to take sides against our brother just to make you feel better. Quit trying to drag us into and blame us for your marital problems.
D. We have a shared history. Please stop being jealous when we laugh or talk together. Don't punish us because your spouse neglects you and the children. An hour with us only proves that he COULD spend time with you if he WOULD. It's not our fault that he doesn't, and he will only avoid us if you make it an issue. We aren't the reason that he doesn't do what he should. We aren't blaming you, please stop blaming us.
For Older Siblings -- Life's too short to waste it chasing around younger brothers and sisters trying to maintain a relationship when they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Reach out, but direct your focus to your own immediate family ties and friendships. Invest yourself in that which gives the greatest return.

“Let everyone sweep in front of his own door,
and the whole world will be clean.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When it comes to siblings, that's good advice!