There are times in our lives when we realize that the ones we love most are unable to see us or acknowledge our needs. To become bitter over such a reality is the response that only hurts us. Someone once described bitterness as the act of drinking poison and waiting on the other person to get sick. We are the only ones that suffer.One of the kindest persons in my life is also someone that cannot see past her bewildered angst and hurt enough to stop doing harmful things. She has survived so much, but cannot celebrate the life that remains. She has the ability to insert criticisms into the most casual conversations and bring a chill to warm exchanges. While serving others and tending their needs, she seems oblivious to their feelings. She is my mother.
My husband is another one of those persons. We had a much needed conversation recently where I asked him to please acknowledge me when I spoke so that I would know he had heard me. His habit had been to respond to my questions, statements or comments with silence. I could never tell if he heard, agreed, disagreed, or had thoughts on the topic. This is more often about inconsequential items, but lately it had been in regard to things like home security and safety.
I outlined my reasons for needing him to let me know he had heard me if I spoke to him, and he sat in silence, feeding my feelings of worthlessness. I asked him for a response and he said, "I'm listening." Then he further explained, "I'm trying to keep things level. I believe actions speak louder than words."
To that, I replied that I agreed. His actions told me that I was not worthy of acknowledgement. His actions told me that he was perpetually angry with me. His actions told me that he would not disclose his thoughts to me because I am not part of him. His actions were cruel.
It was like a light bulb moment of sorts. His refusal to engage had not been seen (by him) as an action. In an attempt to avoid all potential conflict, he did not know he had isolated me. He could not see my need. In a world where only his comfort or feelings exist, I had become invisible. His behavior worked for him at a high cost to me.
As is often the case, it was one of those concrete moments that shed light on the problem with his approach. There's nothing like a large project involving power tools and 90 degree weather to demonstrate the folly in not answering someone when they ask you if you've got a good hold on something.
This post then is an encouragement to isolated wives that the cruelty of enforced isolation is sometimes nothing more than an adult trying to protect themselves from anticipated and imagined attacks. If he had an overbearing mother, you may be dealing with it for years, so it's better to see it for what it is and not let bitterness take root. For men, I'll kindly suggest that the universe has not rallied all of its forces to come against you. The person that shares your life, your bed and your children isn't the enemy and you aren't her victim.
For young women, mark how a young man responds to his mother. Even if she IS a bitter angry shrew and deserves his disdain, she won't live forever and the habits learned in his childhood for coping with her will be applied to his wife, whether she deserves it or not. If you see him discounting or mocking her, do not choose this man. Men learn about women first from their mother. No matter that you are not her. No matter that you are her polar opposite. He will emotionally respond to you as the kind of female his mother is (or was). If she belittled, criticized, cajoled, and condemned him, he will be very tempted to work out all of that pent up frustration with you BECAUSE you aren't her, you are safe, and he can. It's easier to take out life's frustrations on someone that has vowed to never leave.
So, when choosing a husband, look carefully at his family of origin. See how the mother in the home is perceived by those living with her. If she is seen as critical or shrewish, keep looking. Those perceptions will determine how the son's future wife is perceived by her husband.
