Immodest Minds

I grew up in a home that required the females to wear skirts and dresses. Because there was no money for new clothes, this meant that we were limited to hand me downs. Sewing wasn't a past time that was taught and no materials were provided for alterations.

I attended a public schools. My experiences involved answering questions posed by curious teachers and classmates that viewed my clothes as an odd choice for the casual school day. Physical education teachers received written accusatory explanations from my father on why I wouldn't be allowed to wear shorts or other appropriate clothing for gym. Instead, I wore thick sweat pants on even the hottest days.

You would think that this glaring difference in dress would have been a neon sign flashing that I was not available for lurid advances. It didn't. Placing me within a community of people that had different standards only meant that I was daily ridiculed for clothing choices I didn't make and for my parents' condemning attitude. This isolated me so that the only ones which approached me with kindness were those who pitied me or who were trying to manipulate me.

Men and boys that had been aroused by images and glimpses of girls' privates on display through revealing clothing were on the prowl for someone to fulfill their compulsive fantasies. They were looking for someone that no one liked, that likely wouldn't tell, that no one would believe if she told. They wanted something they thought was 'unused.' Like a predator picking out the straggler, the young, the weakest, the unprotected -- they found me.

Whether it was the perverted neighbor who wanted to see if he could look in my window, the old man that wanted to give me my first French kiss, or the boy that wanted to see how far he could go, I found myself fending off these advances at home, family gatherings, church and school.

I still believe in modesty. However, here's where I think many people fail in their efforts:

1) MODESTY ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE OUTSIDE -- Modesty isn't just about how you dress, but how you present yourself. You can be fashionable AND attractive AND modest. For a female, feeling good about what you wear gives you a confidence that predators avoid. They would never try the stuff they do with a confident girl. Her clothing shows that she is cared for and cares for herself. Someone is watching out for her.

2) MODESTY DOESN'T HAVE A UNIFORM -- If you adopt a standard that is completely foreign to your culture, rather than a modest form of dress that is accepted in your culture, then you attract attention for all the wrong reasons. You make yourself stand out as odd because of your strange dress rather than because of your devotion to your faith. This is decidedly immodest.

3) RUN IN CIRCLES THAT RESPECT YOUR STANDARDS -- Even if it's a small circle, it is important to have a support group for your children that includes kids their same gender and age which are sharing the same challenges. If attending a school, find one with a dress code that mirrors your own. Tossing a child into a hostile arena to defend herself on a daily basis without support is just wrong. Few adults would subject themselves to the same abuse AND if they did, they would be sure to have strong support at home. The bottom line is that if it is important enough for you to set as a standard, it's important enough for you to go to the trouble of protecting your family. Put your money where your faith is and take the time to provide a support system for the ones you are supposed to protect.

4) DON'T THINK THAT DRESSES PROTECT FEMALES FROM PERVERTS -- Too many "men" blame the female form for their own slimy thought life. Such a male sees every glimpse of a woman's body as an invitation to 'go there' in his own mind. This twisted thinking produces a man that is convinced he's not capable of controlling himself (he would if a police officer showed up). He excuses his behavior by telling himself that the females were 'asking for it.' In this society, men need to be taught how to avoid and deal with temptation like MEN -- Honorable MEN. Prepare your daughter to deal with the reality that a lot of supposedly god-fearing men are mentally masturbating throughout the day with any image presented to them. All it takes is a moment alone with a female that has a poor self image. A man with such garbage filling his mind will see a dress as an open invitation to get his hands and anything else roaming. He will tell your modestly dressed daughter it is her fault for being too alluring.

5) KNOW WHY YOU DRESS MODESTLY -- You are trying to help good men avoid temptation and keep some things only for your husband's eyes. You aren't there to demonstrate to others the error of their way or elevate yourself in their presence. If your head is in the right place, you shouldn't be checking to see if others noticed how 'godly' you appeared or compare yourself to others. If you've gained the spotlight by your appearance, you've drawn it away from the One you claim to serve. If you are using modest dress to get attention, then you are using modest garments for immodest purposes.

6) DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A PLEASANT EXPRESSION -- One of the arguments for modest dress is that the eye be drawn to the face rather than the figure. Wearing a smile rather than a scowl is one way to accomplish this. The nicest fashions can easily be seen as dowdy and unattractive if the wearer appears perpetually unhappy. Let your joy show!

7) WEAR CLOTHING APPROPRIATE FOR THE ACTIVITY -- You can be feminine and modest while participating in athletics, outdoor activities, formal occasions and many others. However, you would NOT wear the same outfit to each of those. Have clothing that is suitable for the purpose. You wouldn't wear the same clothing to do the gardening as you would to attend a wedding or graduation. Inappropriate dress is also immodest because it only serves to draw attention to the wearer.

8) TEACH YOUR BOYS TO BEHAVE AS GENTLEMEN -- This includes their thought life. If you exist in this world at this time, your sons will be bombarded with inappropriate images. Everywhere they go they will meet women who have no idea how men struggle to avoid looking at the body parts being accentuating with poor clothing choices. You have the opportunity to teach them how to win the battle to treat every human being with dignity and respect rather than as an opportunity to use them (or the sight of them) as a tool for their own pleasure. I think too many people focus on how women should or shouldn't present themselves while neglecting to teach their boys how to deal with real temptation. In my day, good manners meant treating others with dignity -- no matter their station, race or clothing choices. A man that treats woman like a lady -- even if she doesn't present herself like one -- is a wonderful example of devotion to one's faith.

I nearly cheered when I saw this video from India

These are just a few things I wish I had been taught as a child and known as a young adult. Instead, I spent a long time wearing the wrong things for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in an effort to meet some imposed standard of modesty. I would have done better to focus on serving my Savior with my choices and enjoying the freedom that comes with that focus.

Losing to Win

No matter how competitive they are, there's no way to win at a husband's expense without causing yourself to lose.

I know. I know. Many husbands are so competitive that they are forever posturing and looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their 'superiority' over their wives. It's a very wise woman that can know this is a lie and yet allow her husband to posture for this imaginary position. I'm talking practicality here -- a calculated acquiescence. In legal terms, acquiescence means to knowingly stand by without raising any objection to the infringement of your rights.

The trick is to do this without bitterness. Understand that a man that has had to compete and find his place in this world doesn't always know how to turn that off when he gets home. There are assorted ways to discourage this behavior, but taking offense and pointing out his flawed approach/reasoning will only drive a wedge between you. This results in him not only feeling like less of a man (because a woman bested him), but now he is defensive over his approach (which has worked in sports, the workplace, school, and everywhere else).

Think for a minute about the women that men find naturally attractive. At critical points and moments, they express a weakness or need that the male can meet. A woman that knows a man well will eventually learn his weaknesses. There will be times when a wife will find herself and her husband at a point of need that is also his weakness. You can either emphasize that weakness by challenging him and besting him, or you can mitigate the potential damage by diffusing the situation.

If you insist on demonstrating your superiority, you will emasculate him, make him feel foolish and do damage to the marital relationship. Here is the point where you ask yourself which is more important: your marriage or making sure your husband knows how great you are.

If you've got a good man and you're a smart cookie, you'll choose the marriage.

There are also times when being determined to prove you are right will cost you even more. I recently read of a woman that is married to a man that thinks his job is to smooth her feathers at every turn rather than address the issue. This means that when one of their children is ill, if she goes to him for advice or guidance, he will only try to reassure her that the child is not really sick. In one instance he even chided her for taking a child to the emergency room late at night. The child was experiencing a dangerous loss of blood.

Knowing this about her husband means that this wife -- while she loves and respects her husband -- does not involve him when it comes to taking care of the children's medical emergencies. She's on her own in this regard. She accepts this and proceeds as is required.

Would it be nice to have a husband that addresses the issues at hand rather than always protecting his emotional tender spots? Yes, but realize that this is the way they are made. They have a visceral need to feel 'manly' and 'superior.' If you take that away from them, you lose EVERY TIME.

Admittedly, some men do such a good job of demonstrating their lack of admirable traits that a wife's mere presence is enough to threaten them. A kind and good wife will stand in stark contrast to a bombastic, impatient brute. Seeing her be patient when he knows he deserves to be screamed at is enough to drive some men over the edge, but that isn't the wife's fault. A man at war with his own conscience will simply take it out on whoever is available. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about the wife that tries to get her husband to see the 'error' of his ways by showing him how wrong he is. You might prove him wrong, but you'll also give up sex, romance, companionship, friendship and a lot of other perks that come with a good marriage. By pointing out the obvious, you'll become the enemy and no longer his ally.

Are there some men that crave their wives honest opinions? Do some husbands want open conversation and a real challenge to talents and abilities? Yes, but even these need to know they can hold their own. When you have the option of allowing him to win convincingly, do so. You will benefit.

What does this mean in practical terms? In practical terms, you'll need to regularly evaluate his limitations. Does he lack self control in an area? Don't tempt him where you know he will fall. This means you don't even ask about whether or not to put filters on your internet connection when you KNOW he might be tempted by certain sites. You don't ask him about splurging on something when you know he can't handle money. Hire someone to do the things you know he consistently can't or won't do. THEN compliment him on how well he has provided. Just because you had to find a round about way to get it done doesn't mean he can't get the praise he craves. It will also be easier for you to be generous in your praise when you've had things taken care of rather than setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather than stewing over how/whether/if/when he could/should change, you can focus on his attributes.

And that's what makes every marriage work, really. We can sit around and pick each other apart with criticisms, or we can be grateful for the merits of our spouse. Life's too short to spend it hoping the person you love will come to his senses and see things your way. If he did, he'd be a woman. Let it go. You aren't his mother. Enjoy being his wife.

Moving Forward in When Others Want to Pull You Down

Lots of families have malicious gossipers. If one of these persons disagrees with you, you won't be asked to clarify or support your opinion. Instead the incident will be recounted in an altered version of the conversation where you are made to appear intolerant, accusatory, arrogant or display some other ugly trait.

I recall adults in my childhood who would attack me verbally and otherwise, imagining that they were supporting my parents who were saddled with such an awful child. The truth was that they had believed efforts to malign my character. People ask me why I never told an adult what was happening in my home when I was growing up, and I laugh at the implication that any adult would have believed me. My parents had convinced them that I was not to be trusted.

Today, most people that know my parents understand that they are the way they are and take their comments with a grain of salt. A younger family member is also this way and is better at masking her hostility and deception, and this can cause some difficulty.

If you meet her, it won't take long before this woman displays this trait. At the first sign of sympathy, she will begin to detail the many faults and crimes of her husband. Being human, he has his fair share. She tells all from the perspective of a person who is completely innocent of any contribution to her difficulties. Her mother (by her account) was horrible to her and has never properly apologized for the trauma caused by expecting her daughter to do household chores. She elevates her position as a wife, mother, sister, etc. by giving examples of the many failures around her. Her critical eye doesn't miss much and with time, she can easily give the worst motives to the most genuine comment or action.

I wasn't surprised when I heard she had wagged her tongue about me. She had sought me out for my opinion on a matter I've researched. I provided her with the information I had, reassured her that I thought she was doing her best under the circumstance and suggested that she try one of several options.

I left it at that.

However, that conversation has been retold in this way: She did not ask my opinion. I simply walked up to her and pronounced my judgment, impugning abilities and motives in an accusatory way.

Now, I know that this woman has problems. I know that she has falsely represented her parents, her husband, my parents and anyone else that ever suggested that there might be another approach to her decision making process. I've listened to her embellish the mistakes of others until they appeared criminal. I also know that when she asks me for advice, it is more often a craftily laid trap to give her ammunition. I know these things, and I still care about her and her children. And it still hurts to know that she takes the time to gossip and paint me as a monster.

I do feel a little better to know that no one that knows me believes her. I'm glad they would let me know.

How do you move forward when this happens in your family?

Well, I haven't the time or the energy to bother correcting a misbehaving adult. I've offered her my time and attention whenever she requested it and given many opportunities for her to leave her bad habits behind until I have finally decided to decline opportunities to visit. Thankfully, she lives too far away to visit often. I regret not having a closer relationship with her family, but I can't expend time and emotion trying to work around the drama related to all of that at the expense of my own family. Mostly, I'm just thankful for the miles that separate us. If she were physically closer, it would be more difficult.

I love her. I love her family. I love their children. Moving forward in this instance means not making myself or my family an easy target. Family doesn't always mean friendly. Those that should love and support you often don't. So, I'll be even more guarded. I'll not offer any advice, even when asked. I'll be cool, demure, nod and smile with one eye on the nearest exit when I'm in her presence.

Life's just too short to spend it building bridges others are trying to rip apart.

So whether you are struggling to leave behind the ones that refuse to join you on the journey, or wondering if it's worth it to lay aside the hurts and grievances, I invite you to join me. Set aside the things that humans fight and posture over. We have something better to move towards. Let's move forward!