Emotional Hostage Takers

My condolences to anyone that is related to or must regularly deal with an Emotional Hostage Taker (EHT). These individuals are usually female, however (in this day of the feminized male) I see it also occurring in some men.

What's an Emotional Hostage Taker?

An EHT is a person that demands all others be consumed with meeting their emotional needs. As a parent, and EHT will teach the children to never think for themselves and will convince them that any act of autonomy is an attack against their poor, poor mother. As a wife, this woman will demand that her husband have no outside contacts without her presence. She will emasculate him and then play the victim when he becomes angry over her manipulations. She will 'punish' her husband for having any hobbies, conversations or interests that don't revolve around her. She expects to be the center of the universe in her home.

As a co-worker, she is alternately a bully and a victim. She will collect long lists of other people's wrongs and hold them until she needs to use them as a weapon against anyone that threatens to call her to account for her own actions. If she is in a position of authority, she will work to get rid of anyone that cannot be intimidated. As a worker, she will not strive to do her best, only to best those around her. The object is not to do excellent work, but to appear skilled by being compared to those who present no real competition. When all else fails, she will become emotionally distraught, accuse others of creating a hostile work environment and threaten legal action -- alternately bullying and playing the victim.

As an extended family member, this is the person that ruins every get-together. She is adept at laying traps and collecting evidence to support her false accusations. An innocent comment that someone would like some salt is retold as a vicious attack on her cooking skills. Any statement can be twisted by the EHT to cast doubts on the speaker's motives. If an elderly adult expresses concern over a child for any reason, this woman will angrily swoop in and disrespect her elders in the guise of defending her turf. In order to compete with other moms in the family, she will look for ways to portray them as mean, unfriendly, harsh or poor mothers in comparison to herself. Her husband will not be allowed to make plans or converse with anyone unless it is with her approval or in her presence. Sometimes, in order to appear innocent of the strife she cultivates, she will require that her husband fight her battles for her. This means family members will often be left wondering what prompted an angry retort from an otherwise peaceful man.

The children of this woman will avoid telling her details regarding any occasion. She is threatened by any event that occurs outside of her supervision. If she has a best friend, that person will be VERY quiet by necessity.

If she doesn't change, the EHT will eventually drive all family members away. At the end of life, her habits will likely be so ingrained that she will be incapable of seeing anything wrong with the cruelties that have served her so well. This is a person that doesn't trust others will care for her without being coerced into it. Those who care but won't be manipulated eventually leave her to stew in her own juices.

It's one thing to look to loved ones to comfort and soothe us when times are difficult. However, it is quite another to demand that others feelings always come second to your own. If you've caught yourself walking down this path, it's worth your most valiant effort to turn away and with the help of all of Heaven's resources, refuse to go there any longer.



Emotional Hostage-Taking
by Sea Gisondo

I'm sorry love for everything I've done
I manipulate with tears to til I'm sure that I have won
I'm sorry dear for often seeing red
For reconstructing every little word you said to me

Out to be a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've said
Sometimes I think I'm right and get inflated in the head
I'm sorry love for getting out of hand
I know that you forgive me but just try to under
Stand what I say, it's not meant that way

As a storm stronger than the ocean
What I do, I've taken you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for being such a bitch
For pointing out each fault of yours and finding every glitch
I admire your adeptness to forgive
To accept the dirty truth and just get on and
Live and give

Nothing is a storm stronger than the ocean
I have to stop taking you
Captive under my emotions

I'm sorry love for everything I've done

***

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes~
***

False Accusers Showing True Colors

You'd love my friend Chrissy. She was raised as a well loved child by some incredible people. As a result, she always assumes you have the best intentions. When someone's feelings get hurt and they start to pout it goes right over her head. That's because Chrissy just can't imagine a world where people would intentionally try to hurt her feelings or would think that of her. She just knows you like her.

I need to spend more time with Chrissy and her family!

Me? I come from the kind of family where if someone asks you for a favor, you are then accused of being rude because you granted the favor. I shouldn't be, but I'm just amazed by the lengths some people will go to to accuse someone else of being mean or hurtful.

Like I said, I need to spend more time with Chrissy's family. Encounters like the one I described just leave me feeling dirty.

To defend my actions only makes it look like my actions need to be defended. The implication that I had exposed personal details publicly is still there. The fact that others made the matter public is not given any weight.

Whew! Insecure females are tiresome!

I like what a wise man once said, "They tell you who they're working for by what they do."

False accusers aren't working for the winning team. . . . That would explain why they aren't corrected by the Father. He only corrects His own.

Immodest Minds

I grew up in a home that required the females to wear skirts and dresses. Because there was no money for new clothes, this meant that we were limited to hand me downs. Sewing wasn't a past time that was taught and no materials were provided for alterations.

I attended a public schools. My experiences involved answering questions posed by curious teachers and classmates that viewed my clothes as an odd choice for the casual school day. Physical education teachers received written accusatory explanations from my father on why I wouldn't be allowed to wear shorts or other appropriate clothing for gym. Instead, I wore thick sweat pants on even the hottest days.

You would think that this glaring difference in dress would have been a neon sign flashing that I was not available for lurid advances. It didn't. Placing me within a community of people that had different standards only meant that I was daily ridiculed for clothing choices I didn't make and for my parents' condemning attitude. This isolated me so that the only ones which approached me with kindness were those who pitied me or who were trying to manipulate me.

Men and boys that had been aroused by images and glimpses of girls' privates on display through revealing clothing were on the prowl for someone to fulfill their compulsive fantasies. They were looking for someone that no one liked, that likely wouldn't tell, that no one would believe if she told. They wanted something they thought was 'unused.' Like a predator picking out the straggler, the young, the weakest, the unprotected -- they found me.

Whether it was the perverted neighbor who wanted to see if he could look in my window, the old man that wanted to give me my first French kiss, or the boy that wanted to see how far he could go, I found myself fending off these advances at home, family gatherings, church and school.

I still believe in modesty. However, here's where I think many people fail in their efforts:

1) MODESTY ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE OUTSIDE -- Modesty isn't just about how you dress, but how you present yourself. You can be fashionable AND attractive AND modest. For a female, feeling good about what you wear gives you a confidence that predators avoid. They would never try the stuff they do with a confident girl. Her clothing shows that she is cared for and cares for herself. Someone is watching out for her.

2) MODESTY DOESN'T HAVE A UNIFORM -- If you adopt a standard that is completely foreign to your culture, rather than a modest form of dress that is accepted in your culture, then you attract attention for all the wrong reasons. You make yourself stand out as odd because of your strange dress rather than because of your devotion to your faith. This is decidedly immodest.

3) RUN IN CIRCLES THAT RESPECT YOUR STANDARDS -- Even if it's a small circle, it is important to have a support group for your children that includes kids their same gender and age which are sharing the same challenges. If attending a school, find one with a dress code that mirrors your own. Tossing a child into a hostile arena to defend herself on a daily basis without support is just wrong. Few adults would subject themselves to the same abuse AND if they did, they would be sure to have strong support at home. The bottom line is that if it is important enough for you to set as a standard, it's important enough for you to go to the trouble of protecting your family. Put your money where your faith is and take the time to provide a support system for the ones you are supposed to protect.

4) DON'T THINK THAT DRESSES PROTECT FEMALES FROM PERVERTS -- Too many "men" blame the female form for their own slimy thought life. Such a male sees every glimpse of a woman's body as an invitation to 'go there' in his own mind. This twisted thinking produces a man that is convinced he's not capable of controlling himself (he would if a police officer showed up). He excuses his behavior by telling himself that the females were 'asking for it.' In this society, men need to be taught how to avoid and deal with temptation like MEN -- Honorable MEN. Prepare your daughter to deal with the reality that a lot of supposedly god-fearing men are mentally masturbating throughout the day with any image presented to them. All it takes is a moment alone with a female that has a poor self image. A man with such garbage filling his mind will see a dress as an open invitation to get his hands and anything else roaming. He will tell your modestly dressed daughter it is her fault for being too alluring.

5) KNOW WHY YOU DRESS MODESTLY -- You are trying to help good men avoid temptation and keep some things only for your husband's eyes. You aren't there to demonstrate to others the error of their way or elevate yourself in their presence. If your head is in the right place, you shouldn't be checking to see if others noticed how 'godly' you appeared or compare yourself to others. If you've gained the spotlight by your appearance, you've drawn it away from the One you claim to serve. If you are using modest dress to get attention, then you are using modest garments for immodest purposes.

6) DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A PLEASANT EXPRESSION -- One of the arguments for modest dress is that the eye be drawn to the face rather than the figure. Wearing a smile rather than a scowl is one way to accomplish this. The nicest fashions can easily be seen as dowdy and unattractive if the wearer appears perpetually unhappy. Let your joy show!

7) WEAR CLOTHING APPROPRIATE FOR THE ACTIVITY -- You can be feminine and modest while participating in athletics, outdoor activities, formal occasions and many others. However, you would NOT wear the same outfit to each of those. Have clothing that is suitable for the purpose. You wouldn't wear the same clothing to do the gardening as you would to attend a wedding or graduation. Inappropriate dress is also immodest because it only serves to draw attention to the wearer.

8) TEACH YOUR BOYS TO BEHAVE AS GENTLEMEN -- This includes their thought life. If you exist in this world at this time, your sons will be bombarded with inappropriate images. Everywhere they go they will meet women who have no idea how men struggle to avoid looking at the body parts being accentuating with poor clothing choices. You have the opportunity to teach them how to win the battle to treat every human being with dignity and respect rather than as an opportunity to use them (or the sight of them) as a tool for their own pleasure. I think too many people focus on how women should or shouldn't present themselves while neglecting to teach their boys how to deal with real temptation. In my day, good manners meant treating others with dignity -- no matter their station, race or clothing choices. A man that treats woman like a lady -- even if she doesn't present herself like one -- is a wonderful example of devotion to one's faith.

I nearly cheered when I saw this video from India

These are just a few things I wish I had been taught as a child and known as a young adult. Instead, I spent a long time wearing the wrong things for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in an effort to meet some imposed standard of modesty. I would have done better to focus on serving my Savior with my choices and enjoying the freedom that comes with that focus.